Horror: To Be Pretty

It's been soo long; I can't even keep track anymore. So tired, so very tired. The wires are starting to cut into my skin, but I could hardly feel it. Could only feel the outlining numbness that it held against my wrists. Everything was so dark. I feel so lonely, empty; why won't anyone come for me?

I heard it again, the sounds of footsteps coming closer and closer, louder and louder. I don’t want to die! I shook my head. No, I’m too young to die! I don’t want to be here. Don’t want to. Why am I still here? I tug on my wrists but they won’t budge. Why me? I want to leave. I want to leave! The sounds of footsteps stopped right before me, but I don’t dare open my eyes. Won’t open them.

A loud chuckle reached my ears and a shudder racked through my body. No! I try scooting back, but my legs won’t move. They’re frozen in fear. I don’t want to die. Not yet. Not yet! My breath rasped as I felt a hand grab my chin and tilt my head upwards, but I refuse to open my eyes. Please stop. I have a family to go home to. Please let me go. I want to go home; home. I choked out a sob and clenched my eyes tighter together.

A hand caressed my face and I tensed my shoulders. Stop. Stop! I don’t like this. I don’t want to be here anymore. A cold breath lingered over my ear and I froze.

“You’re so pretty,” purred the voice. “Like a little flower begging to be crushed.” I gasped as he hissed out the last part, trying to inch away from him but he only pulled me closer. “Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you; much.”

With that, any presence of him was gone and I let out a little sigh, waiting to hear the door close before I open my eyes once more. I was surrounded by darkness again. I let a tear slide down my cheek. "You're going to be so pretty when you grow up, with your golden curls and expressive baby blue eyes!" my mother once said to me as a toddler; but I don't want to be pretty. I stare at the door.

No, I don’t want to be pretty.

Hiya!

This was cool and just a tad bit annoying. Her saying 'I don't want to be pretty' just annoys me for some reason. She seems to be pitying herself, and I hate that in a person. But, it fits well in your story, so don't mind my criticism.

Any who, the repetition, though also annoying, was very realistic. If I was in that situation, I would have probably said everything she did, so good job on that!

I wish you would have painted a clearer picture of her for me. I have no idea what she looks like. At least maybe give us a hint of her race? Hair color? Eyes? Something! Of course I can picture a pretty person, but I don't know, I just want more imagery in this piece.

Keep writing!

Classy

Yay, yet another one!! Hey BW my horror master .

As classy said it was cool . But again you should have had more detailing in your character and her surroundings so that the readers could get a better image. But thanks anyway for the read and keep writing. And since I think this is your third piece on the YWS here's a magical dancing elephant but be careful they have been known to disco

I agree with your first two reviewers that you could definitely use some more detail in this piece. I got the feeling that I knew what you were going for (sort of a creepy, almost horrifying sensation of helplessness) but never actually felt it myself. You don't have to give us every detail, just the right details. For instance, I don't care if she's black, white, red, yellow, orange, or purple with green spots. Blonde hair, red hair, blonde hair, no hair - doesn't matter. I think you had the right idea in that sense, because you tried to describe how your narrator was feeling, rather than how she looks, but you weren't quite effective.

For instance:

How long have I been here? A few hours? A few days? A few weeks? I don’t even know. So tired, so very tired.

I'm not hooked. Whatever's happening here is obviously twisted, but I don't really get a sense of that in your opening few sentences. She could just be in basic training or in her first semester of college. People sound like that when they're just worn out, not necessarily being tortured.

The wires are starting to cut into my skin, but I could hardly feel it. Could only feel the outlining numbness that it held against my wrists. Everything was so dark. I’m so lonely and tired, why won’t anyone rescue me?

Some tense mix-ups here, but this is closer to what I'm talking about. Wires? wtf? Good stuff. I think you should rephrase, though. "Lonely" and "tired" are pretty mild words for somebody who's being held captive. And "why won't anyone rescue me?" conjures images of a princess in a tower, sighing as she wanders away from the window to comb her hair. Maybe something like, "Why hasn't anybody come? Are they even looking for me?"

I heard it again, the sounds of footsteps coming closer and closer, louder and louder. I don’t want to die! I shook my head. No, I’m too young to die!

And this is where you lost me. I definitely laughed at the "I'm too young to die!" line in spite of myself. Kill the cliche' and rephrase for effectiveness.

I tried scooting back, but my legs wouldn’t move. They’re frozen in fear. I don’t want to die.

More tense mix-ups.

Mommy once said I was very pretty and that I would have the attention of men when I grow up. I don’t want to be pretty anymore. I stare at the door.

I don’t want to be pretty.

This was good. I think you could rephrase, or maybe introduce her mom telling her that one day she'd have attention for her looks earlier in the story.

You don't have to explain exactly what's going on and why, but I think more detail here would be good. If possible, preserve the length. I think being brief here is good. Nice work.

Wow, I really like these horror stories. But like the other one, describe the relation between the characters and develop them a little more. Also, some parts are a little cliche, this one more than the others, but still good! I also like how this is from the victims point of view instead of the murderer or whatever. Also sometimes it seems a little poetic, like it should be more of a poem rather than a story. Keep up the good work!