Casting the Crown, Ch. 1 (final revision for now)

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OK, I know I've changed the first two chapters multiple times, but I just haven't been satisfied with how the novel was starting out. However, I feel that this chapter carries a much stronger opening to the book than the last few have, and am greatly pleased with it.

Still, as always, any suggestions would be much appreciated. :)

Also, I've created a website dedicated to the novel series. It explains in detail everything a curious mind will need to know about the mysterious world of Antheria! The link can be found on my profile.
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Legends
Book One: Casting the Crown
Chapter One
-xxxXxxx-

Eona parried the blow that had been destined for her right leg with ease, smirking playfully as she circled the man before her.

He watched her carefully, hard green eyes locked evenly with her own, but he could not keep his own smirk from spreading thickly across chapped lips. "It's rude to toy with your prey, you know," he jeered, rolling his broad, armored shoulders back and straightening his stance as he allowed his grip on the heavy broadsword to relax some.

This elicited a laugh from the younger redhead, her soft green eyes crinkling in delight as she flexed her gloved grasp on the leather-bound hilt in hand. "Well I ought to have my fun, dear Daveth, for you are hardly playing fair!"

The man, Daveth, scoffed at her rebuttal, twirling the broadsword around in his hand with little effort, his unadorned chain mail catching the glare of the midday sun with a dull twinkle. "Sword fights are never fair, milady," he stated, flicking thick tresses of wavy blond hair out of his eyes with a slight twitch of his head. "Lesson number one."

Laughing, Eona rushed at him again and they exchanged a few more blows, each one parrying expertly as the other swung. The shouts of steel upon steel resonated loudly throughout the stone courtyard.

"I thought the first lesson was to keep a vigilant eye about you?"

Clang!

Daveth smirked as her blow, a swift upward arc aimed for his head, was deflected by the steel of his sword. "Vigilance is lesson number two, milady," Daveth declared as he lashed out with a free hand to grab the wrist of her sword arm, holding her in close proximity. Her free hand instinctively grabbed his arm, the movement drawing the two even closer.

As they both lowered their arms to chest level, swords still crossed in combat, Eona studied the man whose face was mere inches from her own.

She would be lying if she denied that he was handsome. A thin layer of blond stubble was growing around his firm jaw and his bronzed complexion, though glistening with tiny beads of sweat, was nearly perfect. The faintest of scars sliced jaggedly across his left brow, slithering around his eye before trailing off midway down his cheek, and the bridge of his nose was crooked slightly in the middle—the only indicator that it had once been broken. Her eyes flicked down to his lips, thin and chapped, before meeting his gaze again.

"Your skill has improved remarkably," Daveth admitted, giving her a playful wink with his right eye. "Enough to rival that of even our most inexperienced trainees!"

Eona gave a soft snort, a mischievous grin washing over her moist, full lips as she matched his stare, the hem of her pale blue dress rustling quietly in the sudden breeze. Though Sternhelm was known to be a city plagued by constant winds, the high walls of the stone keep were enough to protect even the open courtyard from the worst of it, much to Eona's delight; she had to practice her secret training somewhere.

"If I didn't know you as well as I ought to," she started, the thick red locks that framed her face dancing along with the wind, "then I would be most disheartened to discover that you have been holding back on me."

"Then give thanks to the Firstborn that you know me well enough."

"Aye, Sir Daveth," she began, impish grin never faltering, "I do know you better!"

Before he could react, Eona reached up with a booted foot and kicked him away, breaking his grip on her wrist and causing him to stumble backwards a few short paces.

Daveth shook his head as Eona struggled to balance both her sword and her stature, laughter pealing animatedly from her lips; it was a pleasant sound, almost like the chorus of ringing church bells, and Daveth could not help but smile at her mirth.

"You are a shrewd fighter, milady," he teased, adjusting his own sword in hand. "I will have to be quick with you."

Eona shook her head, chuckling. "So you do admit to keeping soft with me!"

Daveth shrugged, rolling his shoulders back and pointing the tip of his sword forward as he took on a fighting stance. Eona did the same, her free hand hiking up the bulk of her dress slightly, preventing the hem from sweeping along the courtyard pavestones. The worn tips of sleek, heeled leather boots peeked out from beneath the dress.

"I confess to nothing, milady," Daveth started, spreading his arms wide as if to surrender. "Only that you are shrewd, and I take no credit for that." He gave a small wink to show that his words were meant in jest.

"Come now, Daveth," Eona demanded, narrowing her eyes in a mock-serious manner. "Hold nothing against me this time."

Before the brawny man could respond, the echo of hurried feet broke through the afternoon air.

"Lady Trinity!"

Eona turned at the mention of her surname, eyes searching the stone path behind her for the source of the outburst.

Doubled over just outside the heavy wooden doors, both spread wide open to reveal the luxurious comforts of the inner keep, with a face as red as a ripe apple and hands grasping his shaking kneecaps as he struggled for breath, was a young courier.

"Yes?" Eona queried casually, brushing back the stray tresses around her face with an absentminded sweep of the hand. The lightweight sword dangled limply in her inattentive grasp, silver steel glistening brightly against the blue of her dress. "Have you a message, boy?"

The boy—he could not have been more than thirteen, Eona reasoned with an astute once-over—straightened his posture, though his face was still remarkably flushed. "Aye, milady," he sputtered, chest still heaving from his apparent run.

Eona did not have to turn and look to know that Daveth had moved to stand beside her; she felt his armored shoulder bump hers ever so slightly as he sheathed his weapon before reaching down for the sword in her hand, and she allowed the smallest grin to curl her lips as she relinquished the weapon.

Upon seeing the taller man standing next to her, the young herald dipped his head in a courteous bow. "The message is for Captain von Casvian, as well, milady," he informed, his head bobbing lower at the mention of Lady Eona's title.

Daveth raised an inquisitive brow and shared a quick, curious glance with Eona before turning his attention back to the boy before them. "What matter concerns the captain of the royal guard?"

The boy lifted his head, but kept his eyes trained on the cobblestones at Daveth's booted feet. "Lord Azir wishes for the attendance of his trusted commander at the arena today, sir." His nervous hands plucked at the sides of his pallid green tunic, the traditional color of a House Trinity pageboy, as he shifted his gaze to Eona, making certain that his eyes never met her own. "He wishes the same of his daughter, as well, milady."

Eona rolled her eyes, her lips twisting into a rather displeased frown as she shook her head in dismay. So this is what her father deemed so urgent?

She felt more than heard Daveth shake his own head at this 'pressing' news, chain mail clanking softly as he shifted his posture, and her lips fluttered ever so slightly.

Turning her focus back to the anxious courier, Eona considered declining her father's request for a fleeting moment. "Tell his Lordship," she started, and had to repress the smirk that threatened to prickle her lips at the boy's alarmed expression. Undoubtedly, he feared that she would refuse, as well.

'Afraid of the consequences he would face, more or less,' Eona huffed, flicking aside a loose strand of unruly hair that dangled before her eyes. The boy's fear of any imminent punishment coupled with the thought that it would be her doing did little to phase her. After all, he was only a mere pageboy.

For a moment she glanced up at Daveth, hoping to find a look of approval in his eyes, but he simply shrugged. 'We both know this is no request,' he seemed to tell her, and she all but agreed. Her father never requested anything in life, only demanded.

With a disgruntled nod of her head, Eona looked back at the pageboy and sighed. "Tell his Lordship that Lady Eona will grace his side at the match today, as requested." She did not bother to hide the disappointment in her voice, but the boy seemed oblivious to her woes.

His groan of relief nearly audible, the young herald nodded his understanding. "And of Master von Casvian?" He inquired, bowing his head as he addressed the captain of the guard. "Shall I relay that he will be joining his Lordship in the splendors of today's match, as well?"

"No."

Eona quirked an eyebrow and lifted her gaze, curious. "No?"

Daveth scoffed at the pageboy's frightened demeanor, offering little comfort when he confirmed the statement with a shake of his head. "Your Ladyship heard correctly. No."

"No, sir?" The boy parroted, but his question seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"Is there some fleeting appointment you must attend then, Sir Daveth, which denies me your company at the arena?"

Daveth met Eona's gaze, grinning as he winked down at her in good humor. Then, centering his attention back to the pageboy, who had since taken on a rather unhealthy pallor in his cheeks, he nodded. "Aye, lad, no."

The boy looked about ready to faint. Eona could not blame him, though; her father was known for his quick temper when things did not meet his demands. 'Things like me,' she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Before the young courier could part his quivering lips in protest, however, Daveth stepped forward and grinned. "I must first stop by the armory to relieve myself of this blade," he started, holding up the training sword that he had taken from Eona moments ago. "You will tell his Lordship that Captain von Casvian will honor his request then."

Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, a breath Eona suspected he had been holding in during his exchange with Daveth, the pageboy nodded in understanding. Then, bowing his respect twice on account of the both of them being present, he turned on his toggled heels and darted quickly through the open doors behind him.

Once the young courier was out of sight, Eona slipped off the weighted gloves that adorned her hands and turned to look at the man standing beside her. "Well then, Sir Daveth," she started, handing him the gloves. Daveth accepted them without question, raising a brow to signal for her to continue. "I suppose that this is the last of our lessons for today?"

Daveth nodded, noting the hint of disapproval that seethed from her tongue but not bothering to mention it. "Aye, milady. It seems that your private instruction has been delayed on account of the lord's favorite gambling event."

"It seems to be everyone's favorite gambling event, Daveth," Eona interjected, turning to cross the paved courtyard as she made her way towards the open doors. Daveth followed wordlessly behind her, the clank of his armor and the heavy thud of booted feet the only indicators that he was near her at all. As they passed through the doors, Eona was vaguely aware of the two armored guardsmen standing on either side, visors raised and eyes trained to the highest point on the wall before them.

"Such a barbaric thing, these bouts," she stated as they rounded a stone corner, their steps muted by the lush red carpet beneath their feet. The faint sound of the heavy wooden doors slamming shut whispered after them. "I honestly can't see why anyone would enjoy them."

Daveth tucked the blade of Eona's training sword beneath his mailed arm, taking care to avoid any soft spots in the armor he bore. "It is a mystifying conundrum, milady."

Eona lifted her gaze and spared a glance at the man strolling next to her. Broad shoulders thrown back, powerful chest thrust forward, square chin jutting up and out in a commanding manner, and towering above her by a good two heads, it was not hard to see why Daveth von Casvian was feared among the guardsmen of the keep. It was also no mystery, Eona pondered with a small grin, that the imposing captain of Sternhelm's royal guard strongly detested the sadistic treatment of the arena participants, as well as the brutality of the events, themselves.

'That makes two of us, dear Daveth,' Eona thought sourly as they came to a split in the corridor. One way, Eona knew, would lead her past the servants' quarters, the kitchen, and eventually to the entrance of the northernmost box that overlooked the grounds of the arena. The other path snaked by the historical archives, the infirmary, and ended at the doors of the keep's armory.

Daveth and Eona exchanged glances, green eyes locked together in an unwillingness to part ways.

'You should not keep his Lordship waiting,' her conscience probed, reminding her of the last time she had been tardy for one of her father's requests. A defeated sigh whistling from her lips, Eona shook her head, red curls bouncing back and forth from the motion as Daveth offered her a comforting grin.

"Come now, fair lady," he began, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder. The heavy gauntlet added more weight than Eona would have liked, but she did not mind the contact, brief as it was. "I will join you in equal despair at these heathen games before you can so much as bat an eyelash." With those last words echoing in the empty corridor, Daveth bowed his head before turning down the left passageway.

Eona watched his retreating figure, the torchlight that illuminated the stone hall twinkling off of his dull armor, until he rounded a corner and disappeared from view. Then, giving an exasperated groan in anticipation of what was to come, idly brushed off the front of her dress before turning right and following the red carpet to the madness that awaited her.
Last edited by firefly882 on Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:42 pm, edited 25 times in total.
"Have I ever told you the story about how our kingdom was nearly torn apart by greed and betrayal? No? Well then gather 'round, my children, and let Ol' Nan tell you about the Legends of Arenthul." ~Naneria




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This is good, but i think you should describe you characters a bit more, describe their situations, describe their feelings. Another thing is.. I was so confused when i was reading this, make it a bit clearer, i didn't understand where she was at the start, and it just got progressively worse.
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Hey Firefly

As a general piece of a novel this is good, but as a first chapter it is full of several flaws.

Fight scenes are only good if your reader already has an interest in the character, or the situation. Your reader has yet to get to know the main character, so at this point we don't know her, and don't really care what happens to her.

It was also slightly annoying trying to work out what was going on. Again, you need to introduce your reader to the world in which the story is set, and at least a little background to the situation. You've kind of dropped us right into a fight scene, and instinctively, the first thing we're going to think is 'what's going on?' After a while of wondering what's going on, it gets rather boring.

Like I said, it's a good chapter, but a bad way to open a novel.

Hope this helps.
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Hello Firefly! Welcome to YWS! Here is Esther for a review. What I am going to do is comment on your plot flow, your characters, and nitpick (not grammatical btw)problems that should be considered to remove. Here we go! Lets start with nitpick(s)...

NITPICK(S):

Okay, this was very well written. No grammar errors, good paragraph use, the works. I don't have much to say in that regard. Now, as for the MC (main character), I have a suggestion. You may not like it, but here it is:

Change her name.

Ouch! But I am serious, do it. Hyphens and commas in the use of names is SO cliche and outdated. Not to mention, names like Glag-Norn or Kyl'ah grate against the reader's ear greatly. The process to read such names are jumpy and hard to pronounce. I know this is a fantasy novel, but there is no need to make it so...meh. ;)

Second off, I suggest you give the reader a sense of where the whole thing is being carried out. The descriptions are great,(lovely, even) but I don't know where the character is. Because you talk about sand so much I would presume she would be in a desert, but then you mention tempests which are usually associated with sea storms... Tempest has been used before unlike a sea storm of course, but try to find a word that fits the story better. Now that these things are out of the way...ON TO THE ANALYSIS!

PLOT AND FLOW:

The plot is good. That I can tell you. But, this doesn't seem like an opening chapter. In fact, this feels like something that would be several chapters in. As mentioned above, starting a novel with an action scene is very risky, and I hate to say that you didn't quite pull it off. The readers have no idea what is going on. We don't know who the MC is fighting. Is she fighting sand? We don't no where she is. In a desert? The worst thing to do is make a reader guess what is going on, only to realize that their guesses were wrong a few chapters in. Work on the setting.

CHARACTERS:

Huzzah! I haven't got attached to her yet, but your MC is great. I only wish I knew what she was dealing with. I want to know more about what she feels. Give me a reason to wince when she gets in pain, or cry when her heart is broken. Her inner conflict with her suppressed abilities was a fantastic part to read. I applaud you for that.

OVERALL:

This was great. Not as a first chapter, but as chapter in general. I would recommend either extending the beginning so people know what is going on, or make this chapter two. Either way, get to it. Work on making me love your characters. Because I know that I will once I get to know them. Don't repeat yourself. You talked about sand a little bit more than needed. Overall, great job. Welcome to YWS! I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Hey Firefly, Stella here! So I thought I'd take a look at your novel for you :) Just one thing, I've noticed that your own review count is pretty low. The more you do, the more you'll get!


I. NITPICKS

and his dark complexion,


Just a question of word choice- I would never associate a blond with a dark complexion. Maybe his skin is dark from spending so long in the sun, but complexion, to me, always seemed to do with what your skin would look like whether in the sun or not. So maybe just... face? I don't know.
The boy—he could not have been more than thirteen, Eona reasoned with an astute once-over of the eyes—


I think the "of the eyes" is unnecessary.

'You should not keep his Lordship waiting,' her conscious probed,


conscience.

the tall blonde bowed his head before turning down the left passageway.


blond. Only an "e" if it's feminine.

Alright...

II. OVERALL

There's not much that I can pick at here- only to maybe be careful referring to your characters too much by their physical appearances- the blond, the redhead, etc. But overall, it's a pretty strong beginning!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Hey firefly! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I've had a busy week.

This is a very solid story here. I enjoyed it quite a lot. It felt like I was reading a real, professional novel. Good job here. I also think this is a better opening chapter than the one you previously had here. Let's get on to the meat of the review, shall we?

PLOT: This, like your previous "first chapter" starts in the middle of the action. You pull this a lot better off this time because I actually develop a liking to the characters early on. However, I think it would have been nice to have a little scene before the two started fighting, so we could get a feel of the relationship more and thus developing the plot at the same time. Just a little prelude, nothing fancy. Other than that, this is a very interesting read. The hook at the end makes me want to keep reading. Good job here.

FLOW: While this flows very well, there are a few issues that can be polished slightly. For one, you keep on describing the characters over and over again. We know what the two main characters look like from the first scene; why describe them again? It's also best if you didn't use their descriptions in place of their names. (Example: "The fiery blonde waited", doesn't flow as well as "Daveth waited" because the reader has to figure out WHICH blonde character you're talking about.)

Of course, once you describe the character once doesn't mean you can't again. Don't be afraid to bring up eye color or hair color, just don't over do it. The average reader skips descriptions that they have read before.

GRAMMAR: You are one of the most grammatically correct people I have seen on YWS. No issue here, really!

CHARACTER: Good, good. Besides the over load of descriptions, I like them a lot. I think the dialogue between Daveth and Eona is slightly stiff, though. They seem closer than their polite speech implies. However, their relationship is interesting and their chemistry is fantastic. I only wish I knew exactly who they were. I think you should give more insight into what Eona really does. I'm guessing she's noble, but what else? Simple questions like these should be answered as soon as possible, lest the reader loses interest.

OVERALL: Fantastic! Once again another great read from you. It kind of reminds me of Dragonlance. My biggest issue with you is that it sometimes feels like you try too hard to stick with the typical fantasy genre, so the material sort of feels like it's been read before. Cut out some of your descriptions to save the reader time and confusion. Make sure to call the characters by their name and not what their hair color is. Also, be sure to give the reader an idea of what's going on. Other than that, I loved this and I hope you put all you have into it.

Aww...another long review. I hope I helped any.
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Hello there, Firefly.

First of let me say that I enjoyed this chapter, however I have to echo the comments of others that the jumping right into the action can be a little confusing for the reader. However I only had to jump back on myself a couple of times and despite the action the two characters were introduced well enough.

The story did tend to be a little overly descriptive in parts and although I know myself how much you want the reader to visualise what the characters look like some of it seemed unecessary.

Another little nitpick, assuming Eona is the main character and for the most part is meant to be liked by and related to by the audience there was one tiny part that through me off a little. Eona seems a nice enough character, joking with Daveth. But then I was thrown of a little by how she addressed the messenger ...

"Have you a message, boy?"


... this to me made her sound a little rude, I may have been misreading it of course. I thought at first that perhaps it was because she of a higher status and thus addressed all below her in such a manner but that is slightly contradicted by ...

"Eona turned at the mention of her surname, scowling at the formality of the address as her eyes searched the stone path behind her."


... wherein she openly shows displeasure in the formalities of court.

Aside from that I really liked the story and am looking forward to reading more of it in the future. I also made sure to check out your website as I really like fantasy world's, there's nothing I hate more than a fantasy world without a map and the one on your site is really well done so props for that :).




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emiliedanae here for a review :)

PLOT:
Loving the plot and i think its a brilliant and it flows nicely.

CHARACTERS:
okays i knoww daveth isnt a main, but OFFT!
im loving him :) his the hottie that i always seem to fall in love with in certain books :) mmm.

OVERALL:
i wanna read more.
that should tell you how i love it :) :D


i know i suck at this reviewing thingy. :) trust me ill get better :D
p.s i havent got any constructive critism :P

~ emiliedanae;



More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes