The Ascension Part Two

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[b]-New Ending to Part One-[b]
To Landon’s great surprise, Aviv had back his smile. “But I am not alone, Landon; I have you.” Landon did not know how to respond to that. Yes, they were brothers, and yes, as the older of the two, Landon’s duty was to look after Aviv. But who did he owe it to? Both Mother and Father Delaine had passed years back, and he had made no deathbed promises to either of them. In fact, he would probably keep Aviv safer if he refused to finance this new project.
Then again, Aviv had a point when he pointed out that Landon owed him a favor. It is hard to ignore the fact that it was Aviv who gave Landon his first trading vessel. What to do?
[b]-Chapter Two-[b]
The merits in his bag weighed him down only slightly as Aviv made his way back to his vessel. Landon’s office was located too far inland for Aviv’s liking, but he suspected that Landon preferred land over Sea. That was fine by Aviv, though, not everyone was the same. That was the fun of it, in fact. Aviv enjoyed being different, being the one who could do as he wanted without social restrictions. That was the main reason Aviv loved the Sea so much: it was all his as far as he could see.
There was the problem, though. Aviv was not unique in that respect and everyone felt as though the Sea was all theirs. In the modern day, thought Aviv, there are simply too many vessels on the Sea for any one man to be free.
“But I have the answer,” Aviv said. He spoke aloud despite that he was quite alone on the nighttime streets of West Partner Island. The name came from the fact that three islands were arrow shaped and each pointed to a different compass point: south, north and west. Of all the Partners, West Partner was considered the most developed of the three, housing both government buildings and big businesses. To live on West Partner Island was a sure sign of wealth.
Yet West Partner Island had a rudimentary lack: natural resources. The rocky surface yielded no valuable minerals and was ill suited for agriculture. North Partner Island was everything West Partner was not; it had rich soil in sprawling pastures and an abundance of natural timber and minerals. Here was the center of agriculture and farming for the Partners, on which few made their home, as most land was taken for farming or mining. It was to this Partner Aviv was going and where Aviv made his home, unlike most, who chose South Partner as their dwelling place.
The third dock off the center, Aviv told himself. The vessel he used today was dreadfully commonplace and hard to find in a crowd. His memory was true, though, and he was quickly aboard the Young Delaine. It was the vessel his parents had given to him at the celebration of his twentieth year and it was a fine vessel with a sturdy oak hull and high sails. Aviv smiled, he was always the favorite son.
But the Young Delaine would do him little good tonight, as there was curiously little wind. It would do little good as it is, corrected Aviv, for he had been experimenting with his vessel, and tonight was the perfect time to try his innovation. Keeping the sails closed, Aviv went under the deck of the Young Delaine and beheld the predecessor to the engine that would power the Ascension. What Landon had dismissed as a random assortment of gears, and oven and water was in fact an already proven mechanism. Aviv had christened his invention the Water Engine, as it used the power of heated and gaseous water to make things move. Things like vessels.
Aviv threw coal into the oven and making sure that there was enough water in the tank. When the routine was complete, he reached out into the familiar darkness to find his steel and flint. It was sad, noted Aviv, how little the human senses could perceive in less-than-ideal conditions. He had long considered making a devise to amplify the senses, but his mind had yielded no explanations on how this might be done.
After a minute of graceless groping, Aviv found his query and lit the oven. It would be minute, he knew, before the power of his invention would take effect. That was fine by Aviv, as he was in no hurry. His apprentices were all asleep at this fine hour, so there was no watcher of the clock awaiting his arrival back home. Climbing back to the deck, Aviv made his way to the port side of his small vessel where the ropes needed untying. All but the last knot was done when a voice shouted over to him.
“Hallo! You there, is that your vessel?” It was a dock guard, and like most, he was lazy and noticed things at the last second. They still, however, deserved respect.
“Yes, sir!” replied Aviv, not stopping the untying of the finale rope. It was crucial that the Young Delaine was free of all bonds before the Water Engine took effect, for the delicate machinery might break if it could not vent its energy properly. Already smoke was coming out of the chimney Aviv installed on his vessel. Time was short now.
“It does not seem like the best time to be setting sail, mister,” observed the guard, “why don’t you stay at an inn till the morning wind arrives?”
“Because,” Aviv said in a dramatis fashion he rather liked, “the Sea waits for no man!” On that note, the Young Delaine pulled away from the dock, the guard standing with his mouth agape, wondering what sort of sorcery propelled the vessel. Now that the steam had begun exercising its full power against the propeller, the vessel was moving almost as fast as any vessel could hope to go on a fair sailing day. Aviv laughed at the wheel and by the moon’s gracious light found his way back home.




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Hey there, here I am for part two!

Both Mother and Father Delaine had passed I'd add "away" here. years back, and he had made no deathbed promises to either of them.


Landon’s office was located too far inland for Aviv’s liking, but he suspected that Landon preferred land over Sea.


Unless that's the proper name of the sea, then it shouldn't be capitalized.

There was the problem, though.


I don't like the way this is worded; it doesn't make sense.

In the modern day, thought Aviv, there are simply too many vessels on the Sea for any one man to be free.


It's so much easier for the reader when you italicize a character's direct thoughts (Direct thought: I like pie, he thought. Indirect thought: James thought about how much he liked pie). Also, start a new paragraph when you do, since it's rather like dialogue, you know?

Aviv smiled, he was always the favorite son.


There should be a semicolon instead of a comma. Also, replace "was always" with "had always been," since his parents have passed away.

But the Young Delaine would do him little good tonight, as there was curiously little wind. It would do little good as it is,


Way too repetitive here.


Okay, that's all I have to say! Again, not much aside from a few minor wording issues; you've got a good writing style.

Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions! :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hello! I'll be reviewing your story today. :D

I've just read Part One earlier, and I think that your story is pretty good, aside from a few grammatical mistakes from time to time. Ranger Hawk has already pointed out most of the mistakes, though, so I'll only talk a little bit about them.

That was fine by Aviv, though, (since) not everyone was the same.

This sentence is actually okay, but if I were you, I would add "since" to it to make it more smooth.

There was the problem, though.

Like how Ranger Hawk said, it doesn't make much sense. "There was a problem, though." or "There was this problem, though." would make the sentence a whole lot clearer.

Yet West Partner Island had a rudimentary lack: natural resources.

I understand what you're trying to convey here, but the wording is a bit off. Try rewriting it. :D

His memory was true, though, and he was quickly aboard the Young Delaine.

Again, this sentence is a bit off. What do you mean by his memory was true? Also, it should be "he quickly boarded the Young Delaine." instead. I quite like the name of the ship, though. :D

What Landon had dismissed as a random assortment of gears, and oven and water was in fact an already proven mechanism.

There are way too many ands in this sentence. Try rewriting it.

It would be (it should be take here) minutes, he knew, before the power of his invention would take effect.


“Because,” Aviv said in a dramatis fashion he rather liked, “the Sea waits for no man!”

Dramatic, not dramatis, okay? :D

I hope I haven't been too harsh on you! You write pretty well and I hope to read more of your stories! :D

-Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.





Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan