the box chapter one

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just thought of this story did it in an an hour hopefully you guys like it i did. this is just a preview kind of tell me if you want more.


Chapter one
The ship was about to explode and it wasn’t my fault. I ran through the corridors in a dead sprint I knew there wasn’t much time, drops of warm sweat dripped into my eyes and I rubbed it away as fast as I could the package under my left arm burned as my muscles strained under the load. Crisscrossing through hallways was all I could think to do as the snarling growls behind me grew closer and closer. I was afraid to turn my head to see how far behind me they were, up ahead was some debris a couple of dusty boxes and some garbage blocking my path at a sharp corner. Apparently I should have slowed down for the turn but trust me it’s the last thing from your mind when you’re running for your life. I leaped over the small boxes and tried to take the turn to fast, resulting me sliding into the wall hitting my head and of course busting my ass. Probably I should have gotten up and kept running but me like an idiot I lay there on the steel floor admiring the stars that were floating around my head I clutched the box under my arm like a child, no more like a football. Thump something had hit the boxes about 4 feet away from me and about a half of second later there was an explosion fragments of charred wood flew at me. I got up and ignoring the searing pain coming from my head stared a wobbly run down the hall. Son of a bitch that was a grenade! I should have asked for more money. Yes that was my first thought not oh my god I could have died, money. The thought made me wobble faster I turned my head to look back and sure enough there they were three slimy excuses for humans running after me with so help me god grenade launchers, really? Come on can give a hard working man a break. No they couldn’t have had any weapons near them or ammo at least. No they had to have god damn grenade launchers! I pulled the small pistol from is holster on my waist and took three blind shots back at my chasers. Not one hit jeez I have no luck with these kind of things. We were in a wide hallway I figured my best bet was to find a door and try to make my way back to the entrance. But there wasn’t one to be seen (my luck) a small object flew over my shoulder it was a blur but I already knew it was a grenade it flew down the hallway probably ten feet in front of me. God I should have been a doctor like my mom wanted me to be. I skidded to a stop and looked at my options. One run into a grenade which wasn’t so appealing and the other turn around and rush the three men coming at me which would maybe if I was lucky take them by surprise and maybe take one of them with me. I took the latter I turned around and emptied my gun into ugly one small blotches of red appeared on his chest I knew I hit him. But momentum kept him coming he fell and slided towards me right as the grenade behind me exploded I leaped over him and pistol wiped ugly two I whipped his head back and he slumped to the floor. I looked up at ugly three he stood breathing heavily his long and sleek grenade launcher pointed right at my chest. He took a couple of seconds to catch his breathe and finally go out some words “put box down”. Alright I said I looked at him and his gun just don’t do anything rash that you might regret later. He gave me a dirty look. I lowered the box and right as I was about to put it on the ground I used all my might and threw it at him. It knocked him square in the chest his gun slipped out of his hand and he fell to the ground. I threw myself at the gun my heart racing I had to get it. Ugly three threw himself too we collided into each other I was a little heavier (thank god for fast food) and managed to get leverage on him I pulled the gun away. And hit him over the head with it a couple of times he was sprawling on the ground and I hit him tell he stopped moving. I hit him a couple more times just to make sure he was knocked out. I pulled the ammo clip out and just my luck the gun was empty. Ugly three had been bluffing the entire time I looked at the three idiots and rubbed my aching head. I checked the time on my old watch 9:54pm I yawned well at least I would maybe get some sleep tonight. I then walked around trying to find my way back to the way I came in. which took a while that bump on the head does horrible things to your memory you know? I took my time to study the box I had risked my life to bring back to my employer ladysman3442 yes that was his name and his ad was on Craig’s list. It seemed normal just a black box but hey as long as I get paid. To be continued….




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Hmm, I'm not really sure what to say about this.

First, you should really separate your work into paragraphs. If you look at other stories, you should see that there are paragraphs organizing thoughts and actions, but I'm sure you know what they are.

Secondly this piece has bad grammar. There are commas where there shouldn't be and aren't where they should. If you go back and read your pieces out loud, you should be able to pick up the mistakes. If you read aloud, it's like you're a whole other person! And when you read a piece you wrote, already knowing what's going to happen and what words are going to be used, it can be hard to pick up mistakes.

As a whole, this really just seemed like a person telling someone about their day. You used slang in this piece that I don't appreciate as a writer. Since you are telling it in first person, it is okay to tell it as if the person is speaking. But writing things like 'you know?' makes it seem like you are telling me this in person. Maybe it's just me, but I don't find that piece of writing appealing.

Also, I saw no plot in this. Maybe it's just because it's the beginning, but this seems like a short story or a flash-fiction. Something small with no moral or lesson.

As a whole, you kept me entertained, which is a good thing. Your actions scenes were interesting, though confusing. I liked reading them and think I learned a thing or two from your writing. So kudos about that.

Keep writing!

Classy



Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)