Slipped

I wrote this awhile ago and decided to post it. I was going to make it into a longer story, but i didn't know how to get it started. So you guys just get to see the beginning.

I was blinded by her beauty, not being able to see what was really there. I had never known what true love really was. Not until that moment that changed my life. I was so close to having what I wanted, but I was so far, way farther then I could have ever imagined at that moment. The one time in my life I actually felt something, wanted something so bad it hurt. She was mine, but then so easily she slipped right out of my hands as if she where made of silk.

I never knew what I had until it was gone. Gone forever and I couldn’t go back. I would change my whole life if I could, but that is only a dream, and dreams don’t come true. Only in fairy tales, with happy endings and all of that jazz. I used to believe that I could be happy, that I was happy, but that was before. If out of anything I learned happiness only comes when you least expect it,and then it goes away and we have to live with what we’ve done. Real happiness and love only comes once in a life time. So don’t ruin your chances like I ruined mine. No one is happy forever, at least that’s the way I see it.

Hey KAH welcome to YWS if you got any questions about finding your way around ask me or anyone else familiar with the site for help. Now on to your story; if this the prologue to your story first I suggest you move it to the novel section, second this was pretty good and you left me wanting more to read. So keep writing, thanks for the read and now I bid you farewell.

Thanks!!I am finding my way around pretty well. I will taker your advice and move my story into a more fitting category!! I'm glad you liked it and i will be posting more of my writing up soon!

Welcome to YWS, KAH! If you need anything feel free to PM me.

There were a few typos I spotted, but that aside it was a bit short.

The biggest thing you need to watch out for though, is cliché descriptions. Beware! These can effectively kill all emotion or meaning your story might have. Some clichés are fine. They're familiar and sometimes they're just the best way to describe an emotion or scene, but as with anything, too much is never good.

Just a tip.

Write On!
Lette

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I'm Bondgirl, or Hope as many call me, and I'm here to review!

I was blinded by her beauty, not being able to see what was really there.

Awesome opening line!

I had never known what true love really was. Not until that moment that changed my life.

Nyuu! Not "the single moment in time that changed the whole inter face of my life" cliche! Anything but that!

The one time in my life I actually felt something, wanted something so bad it hurt.

So he's never felt anything before? This intrigues me...I want to know what his deal is now!

She was mine, but then so easily she slipped right out of my hands as if she where made of pure silk.

Well if I were you I'd use something different then silk, although I love it the way it is, I can't really picture silk slipping through my fingers.

I never knew what I had until it was gone.

Gone forever and I couldn’t go back.

You basically just said that, you don't need to repeat yourself.

I would change my whole life if I could, but that is only in my dreams, and dreams don’t come true.

If out of anything I learned happiness only comes when you least expect it, and then it goes away and we have to live with what we’ve done.

Ahh! Now I really want to know what happened to him!

See, now you've got me interested, I want his story now...I want to know why he doesn't feel anything. I want to know .

Thank you for all of your help, I have fixed all of the mistakes you spotted! This is one of my abandoned stories so you only get to see the begging. The rest of it was a complete and utter failure! Thank you so much for the support!!!!

-KAH

Hi!

Thanks for critiquing my story! I thought I'd return the favor and critique yours. I understand that this is old, but if you want to improve this, there are going to have to be a lot of things you're going to have to add to.

Right now, this just seems like a raw template. It's two paragraphs of generic love descriptions that reads more like a testimonial. If you want to make something more out of this, you're going to have to start from scratch and use what you've got now as a raw template for it. It's generic and could fit into any number of situations.

Sorry this wasn't a better critique, but a lot of the others really hit home with their comments, so I don't want to be too repetitive. Add to the characters; give them names, personalities, histories. Come up with a scenario as to how to they met. What happened to the girl? Did she die? How does your narrator know that this girl is the one?

PM me if you have any questions, and good luck with this!

-Elinor xo