Kill Me Slowly

*So this is what boredom during french has delivered. Feel free to rip it apart. *

Kill me slowly,
let me breath,
the scent of death,
adrenaline rush,
kill me slowly,
let me feel,
every touch,
your cold kiss
gently grasping,
all that's left.

Kill me slowly,
stroke my neck,
let me feel all the pain,
slowly pulsing through my body,
gently taking over, like a burning fire.

Kill me slowly, kindly,
in agony, despair.
Let me see, all that's left,
all I've lost.

Kill me slowly, let me hear,
my own agonizing cries.
Kill me slowly, let me die.
All I need, is you, my love.

All I can see right now is the repition of kill me slowely. I don't think you need to use this so much in the poem. I also thing that you rhyme and then you just cut it off. If you are going to rhyme then do if not then don't. Anyway I really like the description in it.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Hey Eva!

The repetition of "Kill me slowly" you overused. There's a fine line of repetition and overuse, and you have to be careful about it because if you do overdo it, it can ruin your poem. The rest of the poem is just ehh. Death is a poetry subject far, far overdone, it's lost it's originality. I can't tell you how many times I've read a poem about death, about how the author wants the pain of it, they're not at all scared, and they welcome it. It's boring to tell you the truth.

Good luck with your writing, and I hope to see more from you, but try to pick a less cliche topic next time .

~Hope

Hi,

I like your use of varying stanzas.

"Breath" should be "Breathe."

This seemed a bit artificial to me. I just didn't believe the "kill me slowly", "burning fire". I'm going to digress briefly and tell you a story. Last year someone was critiquing a poem of mine, someone I'd only just met, and my poem contained the line "my heavily magoted source" and he said "you know, I've been sitting with you for nearly an hour an I don't see anything maggoty about you." So the point I'm making is that when you don't really believe something, readers can tell.

I'd also use more imagery. What does the "adrenaline rush" feel like? What exactly is the "scent of death"? I'd try to take this outside of the speaker's internal reality and into the realms of what;s around them and what they are reacting to.

Hope this helps.

Jas

i dont agree with the ppl who say you used kill me slowly to much poems arnt as structured as stories and are completly for expression. and about ending it in ryhm you dont need to but if you can get a good pair of words it would be awesome. keep it up!

I like the way you've used the phrase "kill me slowly". Although I feel that the poem would perhaps be more at home being sung with a Nirvana-esque band playing along. Second line should be breathe though, not breath.

I like the idea of the "scent of death" it would've been nice for to have elaborated on that, which might have added another dark aspect.

I also like the idea of pain pulsing through your body (not meant to sound sadistic), but I felt perhaps the idea of that and a gentle fire didn't quite fit? Personally I would've used a raging or perhaps unforgiving fire.

Overall, a good poem with some good imagery and good use of repetition. Just one technical error I could find.

Well done

I don't know if it's just my mood or what, but 'Kill me slowly' seemed to have an immediate heavy feeling to it - long and drawn out without you having to say so. I think, though, where this poem felt lacking was in the pointed repetition - nowhere do you say why the narrator wants to be killed slowly -only what happens if they are. Like Jas, I didn't get a sense of genuine desire from reading this.

In most stanzas, there is that repetition - which is annoying, rather than having any kind of impact, since the language and imagery used there is very cliche, and all seen before. So...I'd say spice it up with something a little more believable and interesting.

Hey stelagineva!

I like your title a lot and the whole idea of being so in love that you just want to die... it's an interesting (albeit, masochistic) idea. Now, to improve it, I would probably suggest being specific. Right now, you're not being very specific. However, if you describe exactly how you want to be killed, this adds a huge creepy factor and impacts a rather strong impression on the reader.

Just an idea.

Thanks everyone! I liked Snoink's idea, so I'll make sure I develop that a bit more. Yes, I agree it might be a bit of a cliche, but hey, I mostly write to please myself, and I'm on here just to get ideas to improve my work, not completely get rid of it. Thanks anyway to anyone who helped me out!

Hey there!

I read this kind of quickly, but what struck me was that it would be greatly improved if a lot of the unnecessary commas were taken out. Just a quick easy thing to change. Anyway, thought I'd suggest it, guess it's something to think about for your next poem if you've moved on from this one.

Good luck!
Sophie