To Bicker Like An Old Married Couple

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“...and try to stop staring at him!”

“Huh?” The girl turned to look at her friend. Said friend rolled her eyes and took a large bite out of her apple.

“Geez, if you like him so much, why don’t you just go tell him?”

“Tell him?” Giving her friend an incredulous stare, she shook her head. “I don't think he likes me," she says softly. ‘In fact, I think he might hate me’ thought the brunette.

With a loud sigh, Sarah put her apple down on the table. “How do you figure? It’s not as though he’s totally ignoring you or anything. For God’s sake, at least attempt at a conversation. You can’t just leave him hanging like that, Lily!”

Lily found her eyes wandering back again. “I try, I really do, but we just don’t get along. He doesn't feel the same way I do, and he never will.”

“Oh come on, we’re all friends here. He’s not going to start hating you or giving you the cold shoulder just because you like him or something.”

“You never know. I’d rather we stay as friends than nothing at all.” Lily looked down at her hands and slowly threaded them together.

“But I- Oh, here he comes.”

Lily blinked and turned around, only to have her vision blocked from sight. She titled her head up and gave a grimace. “Hi Daniel.”

Sarah furrowed her eyebrows and elbowed her friend, making her drop her grimace. “What’s up, Dani?”

‘Dani’ glared at Sarah, before sighing. “I’m bored.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “That’s interesting.”

“Shut up.”

“No, why don't you?” she answered defiantly, however out of character it seemed.

“Guys, stop it.” Sarah scowled, her tone dark and threatening, as if daring them to go on. Daniel took a seat across the two females and looked across the room where he thought he heard his name being called.

“Ugh, my sister’s calling me.”

Lily stared at him. “Well then, why don't you go then!” she said to him quietly, to which he glared back.

“She’s with her group of friends. I don’t like hanging around them; they’re annoying.” Daniel said, staring at the table across the room. “I’d rather stay here. At least you’re not half as annoying as they are.”

“Gee, thanks for the compliment.” Sarah said sarcastically.

“You’re welcome.”

There was an awkward silence as they all sat down. Deciding to be the one to break said silence, Sarah spoke up. “This is awkward.”

Daniel rolled his eyes. “This is really boring.”

“Well, no one’s asking you to stay,” came the low voice.

“Be quiet, Lily.”

“No.”

“You guys fight like an old married couple.”

They both stared at Sarah in horror.

“Oh, don’t be so surprised. I’m just saying. Geez, can’t anyone take a joke?”

Daniel sighed. “She’s calling for me again. God damn it. Fine, I’ll go now.”

“Aww, do you have to?” Sarah pouted. “I was just about to say how cute you two look together.”

Lily kicked Sarah in the chin, and she gave out a sharp hiss. “Ow, Lily!”

“Yes, Sarah?”

Sarah glared at her hard, as though willing her to combust.

“Alright, I’m leaving now. I’ll see you later.” Daniel got up to leave.

“You should stop stalling.”

“Shut up, Lily.”

It wasn’t until after Daniel left did Lily notice her friend staring at her.

“What's wrong?”

Sarah let out a loud, long sigh. “And you wonder why you’re still only friends. No wonder people say that love brings the worst out of people.”
Last edited by BrokenWing on Sat May 01, 2010 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
For every tear marks my courage.




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Hello BrokenWing!

Welcome to YWS, by the way. I happened to notice the date you joined :D

Ok so this was a really cute little piece. Just some pointers: In this section...

“Well, no one’s asking you to stay.”

“Be quiet, Lily.”

“No, you be quiet.”

“You guys fight like an old married couple.”

They both stared at Sarah in horror.

“Oh, don’t be so surprised. I’m just saying. Geez, can’t anyone take a joke?”

Daniel sighed. “She’s calling for me again. God damn it. Fine, I’ll go now.”

“Aww, do you have to?” Sarah pouted. “I was just about to say how cute you two look together.”

Lily kicked Sarah in the chin, and she gave out a sharp hiss. “Ow, Lily!”

“Yes, Sarah?”

Sarah glared at her hard, as though willing her to combust.

“Alright, I’m leaving now. I’ll see you later.” Daniel got up to leave.

“Yeah, yeah. Just go!”

“Shut up, Lily.”



...there is very little description as to what your characters are doing at the time. It helps the reader to picture the situation if you can add more detail as to their facial expression, their gestures, habits etc. This will just felsh it out a bit and make it clearer.

It got a little confusing as to who was who at times but after reading it through twice I understood it a little better. I loved the voices of your characters, very believable but I think the reason why I was confused was because both of the female characters sounded similar and had similar attitudes. It would be easier to follow if you changed Lily to be more romantic or timid or something different from Sarah because at the moment they seem to be the same.

Other than the above points I thought it was a really enjoyable little piece. (Very appropriate title too :D)

Well Done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?




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Oh, thanks! I'll get that corrected right away! ^-^
For every tear marks my courage.



Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.