Beneath the Lies - Chapter 1

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Warning: The main character is an homosexual, if this offends you, please leave. Otherwise, enjoy! ^-^

Chapter 1

The echo of harsh breathing can be heard down the hall, but that is of no matter right now. I can’t seem to remember the last time I’ve felt so alive. The adrenaline is the only thing that was keeping me going right now or else I would’ve fallen down half-dead hours ago.

“Shit!” Damn it; and that was my good arm, too. I look down at my other useless, dislocated arm. Good thing I’m left handed or else I’d be six feet under by now.

With a great spurge of determination that seemingly came out of nowhere, I scurried my way over to the next block, ducking ever so often as bullets flew over my head.

“Man, when I get out of here I’m going to kill you, Grey!” Grey, my ever so pleasant boss, sent me out to this stupid mission he deemed “easily accomplishable even by morons like me”. I, being the ever so intelligent buffoon I am, didn’t even notice the trap before it hit me. Really, I guess the lack of people on camp should have put me on the highest stage of paranoia, but then again, this is me we’re talking about. I’ve never been the brightest crayon in the box. That’s not saying I’m stupid, I just don’t happen to be as intellectual as many others.

I threw my body into a roll and landed into the next corner over.

“You goddamn moron,” came the growl from behind me. Almost instinctively, I push my gun into the offender’s face, centimetres away from his nose. Blinking slowly, I stare at the culprit and lower my weapon.

“Daniel?” What was he doing here? “What are you-“

“You are the stupidest moron I have ever seen! How did you manage to get yourself ambush by something as simple as this-”

“Uh, Daniel-”

“-and even manage to get hurt in the first place! That stupid lieutenant should have known better than to send a soldier in by himself-”

“Daniel!”

“-especially when he had just finish a mission.” He took a breather and calmly threw a knife over his shoulder. A loud scream told us he hit his target. “What?” He asked.

I gave him a sigh. “Dude, if you would just look around you, you’d notice we’re in the enemy territory. Meaning no fraternizing until we get out of here, comprendo?” He gave me a glare which I firmly return, and started to make my way out of here. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve had just enough of this place. Let’s just get out of here before I feel like blowing this place up.”

I saw him roll his eyes at me from the corner of my eye and discreetly jam my elbow onto his side, relishing in his grunt of pain.

“Hurts, don’t it?” I ask with a grin, dashing behind a wooden crater. “Where’s the rescue team?”

“What?”

I turn to look at him as he gave me a blank stare. “The rescue team? You know, the ones who are going to pull us out?”

“I know what are rescue team is, you dimwit. I am your ‘rescue team’ as you call it.”

I glance at him for a moment before turning to the front once more. “We’re doomed.” I say dejectedly, moving with a speed I hadn’t known I had until now. “If no one’s going to save us, well, we’re going to have to save our own butts.”

I flexed my wrist and readied my body for the next series of action I was about to perform. With my back hunched forward, I bent my knees and propelled myself into the air, twisting my body to land on the crater on my hands. I repeated the same actions but with my elbows this time instead of my knees and landed on the next crater over. Once I reached the top, I climbed the ladder to reach the roof and threw a grenade down on my way up, hearing a resonating sound of explosions left in my wake.

“Hey, you alive there?” I ask, not willing to look down at my partner.

“Just keep moving. I really don’t like the view I’m seeing here.”

“Hey! You should be lucky I’m gracing you with such a fantastic view!” but sped up nonetheless.
On the rooftop, I was surprised to see a helicopter waiting there for us. I turned to look at Daniel only to see a smirk on his face.

“I did tell you I was your rescue team, didn’t I?”

I gave him a wide grin and two thumbs up.

“Yup! I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Now let’s go before they catch up to us.”

Quickly making our way to the transportation, we - more like he did, touchy bastard, wouldn’t let me touch ‘his precious helicopter’ - manoeuvred it out of the island and back home.

“You owe me one.”

I gave him a pout and he rolled his eyes at me once again.

“You’re a man, stop being so irrational. That’s a woman’s job.”

“Yeah, yeah, just keep your eyes up front, why don’t you?” I grumble. Just wait until we get back and I tell your mom what you just told me. Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.
Last edited by BrokenWing on Mon May 03, 2010 7:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
For every tear marks my courage.




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Haha, I love this! Hi Brokenwing, I'm Tanya, here for a review.

On to the nitpicks!

The echo of harsh breathing could be heard down the hall, but that is of no matter right now. I can’t seem to remember the last time I’ve felt like this. The adrenaline was the only thing that was keeping me going right now or else I would’ve fallen down half-dead hours ago.
Ok, I'm only going to mention this once; review your work. You slip from past to present constantly throughout this piece. I've put in bold a few examples. If you have any questions, please pm me. My next point here is when the Mc says, "can't remember when I last felt like this'. What is 'this?' you need to tell us what the MC is feeling if you want us readers to feel for him/her. Show us, don't tell us.

Man, when I get out of here I’m going to kill you, Grey!” Grey, my ever so pleasant boss, sent me out to this stupid mission he deemed “easily accomplishable even by morons like me”. I, being the ever so intelligent buffoon I am, didn’t even notice the trap before it hit me. Really, I guess the lack of people on camp should have put me on the highest stage of paranoia, but then again, this is me we’re talking about. I’ve never been the brightest crayon in the box. That’s not saying I’m stupid, I just don’t happen to be as intellectual as many others
I love the MC's description of his/herself. It's no info dump, it's light and full of humour and it tells us that the MC is quite aware of his/her own weaknesses and strenghts.

That’s a women’s job.”
woman's

Ok, that's it for the grammar nitpicks. Now, the mc says that the job is even good for morons like him/her. But the MC seems quite efficient in the way you describe his actions. Maybe an explanation (a quick, quirky one) could tell us of a past 'mission' he's badly done.

Also, at first, I thought it was a man. When Daniel arrived, I changed my opinion and thought, "Hmm, possible romance', which I confirmed when the Mc wiggled her butt at Daniel and then she pouts. But THEN Daniel says, 'you're a man, act like one', I went, huh? So, if the MC is a woman, disguised as a man, don't make her pout and wiggle her butt, a man wouldn't do that!

That all being said, I reiterate what I said at the beginning: I loved this! It had a nice flow and I smile the whole time I was devouring it. Great work!

On to the next chapter!
Tanya :D



I only know that learning to believe in the power of my own words has been the most freeing experience of my life. It has brought me the most light. And isn't that what a poem is? A lantern glowing in the dark.
— Elizabeth Acevedo, The Poet X