Darkest World [0.03]

Two hours later, we are free from prison school. After letting myself into the house, I lock myself into my room.
Need. To. Clear. My. Head.
My mind spins uncontrollably. Splinters of images fly through my head.

:flash: First time I used a razorblade for something other than shaving.
:flash: The day that my cousin, Linda was buried. She died from cancer. The sky cried for two days after. Almost like she was telling us she was okay.
:flash: The day I realized that my life was spinning out of control…

“HANNAH! Are you home?” Mom screams from the kitchen. I slip down the stairwell and meet her in the kitchen.
She is standing in her crisp business suit, holding a large paper bag that is dripping in grease. Gross.
“What’s in the bag?” I ask nervously. My stomach is tightening.
“I picked up something to eat on my way home from work. It’s McDonald’s. I got you Coke for the drink. Is that okay?”
McDonalds? That is certainly not okay.
“Um, sure.” I struggle to say as I sit at the kitchen table.
She places a bag in front of me. If I touch it, grease will drip into my veins and I’ll never be able to get it out.
I gingerly put my hand inside it and take out the cardboard containers of chicken and fries.
Mom digs into her meal. I force a French fry into my mouth. It drops into my stomach with a splash.
That tastes so good… My mouth opens wide because here comes another fry, and another and another. Follow it down with the greasy chicken burger. Wash it all down with the Coke.
I squeak a “thanks” and dash to the bathroom. I lock the door and lean over the toilet. :Grease/toilet bowl/flushoutofsight:
I take the razorblade from its hiding spot in the cabinet and cutcutcut my arm. Punishment for the food I shoved into myself.
Note to self: Never eat McDonalds again

:flash: First time I used a razorblade for something other than shaving.
:flash: The day that my cousin, Linda was buried. She died from cancer. The sky cried for two days after. Almost like she was telling us she was okay.
:flash: The day I realized that my life was spinning out of control…

Get rid of those. There's better ways to put it. If it's someone's life flashing before their eyes, just make a paragraph of things in her life. That will show it flashing.

Two hours later, we are free from prison school.

Don't do the strike out. It looks bad. Instead say something like, "Two hours later, we are released from the prison known as school." Or something like that.

She is standing in her crisp business suit, holding a large paper bag that is dripping in grease. Gross.
“What’s in the bag?” I ask nervously. My stomach is tightening.
“I picked up something to eat on my way home from work. It’s McDonald’s. I got you Coke for the drink. Is that okay?”

Yes, McDonalds isn't that healthy, but never have I seen one whose food drips in grease. Believe it or not McDonalds has cut back on that.

I squeak a “thanks” and dash to the bathroom.

Lose the quotation marks around thanks.

I lock the door and lean over the toilet. :Grease/toilet bowl/flushoutofsight:

Those are bad, other ways to word it. Also, what did she do in the bathroom? I'm guessing she threw it up, but I can't tell because you don't show us.

I take the razorblade from its hiding spot in the cabinet and cutcutcut my arm.

Only need one cut, and razor blade is two words.


Overall, I didn't really enjoy it. There was no emotion behind it so I can't say I really feel sorry for your character. This person is taken a razor to her arm, so you got to tell us, "How does feel?" and "How does this make her feel better?" Your story lacks overall description, and I can't tell where she is, or what she's doing. All I can see is that she really doesn't like McDonalds. Show us more of how your character is revolted by this food. Also, describe the kitchen a little bit, as a reader, I don't know what you as the writer intended the place to look like. Another problem I had is with those words you have in the colons. There are better ways to describe what is happening. What you did is quick and dirty, and shows lack of experience. If you have trouble, go to the chat room, there's usually one or two people in there that will be able to help you. If you need any help or need another review, feel free to PM me through YWS and I'll get to it ASAP.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf