Fleirzon: People of the Skies )1-2 revised

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Fleirzon
..........

The bitter wind was edged in ice, stinging like the talons of a falcon; the slate stratus an omen of the torrents that would soon slice the air. Verdeyan thought for a moment of retreating back to the island. The haven of trees was like a beacon, the broad branches of pines and oaks stretching out in the expanse of limbs that she called home. Her wings stroked up, down, up, down, just like a bird’s. All true people had wings; they were the Fleirzon, the dwellers of the sky that flew with hawks, eagles and songbirds.
Verdeyan glimpsed down, thinking of what it would be like to be one of the Hamoiin; creatures of ancient myth, said to dwell in the darkness below the Chamelaen Forests. It was rumored that they had faces like the Fleirzon, although flatter, uglier and crueler with harsh, awful voices. But most of all, they had no wings. The Hamoiin dwelled far down, past the known reaches of the cerulean sky and the branches of the Chamelaen Forests that Verdeyan’s universe was composed of.
Verdeyan shook her head, clearing her mind of the idle myths that she had often listened to. The Hamoiin didn’t exist, she knew, yet she still wondered with a defiance of fact that was by some considered unhealthy for a young woman of fifteen. Now is not time to be fanciful! She chided herself, narrowing her eyes against the wind.
Her hair streamed behind her, knotting in endless tangles as she soared through the clouds, powerful, free, and alive.

As the sleet began to fall, it dashed against the dark flier’s cheeks and face. In the distance, he saw the flash of wings. Another Fleirzon. Looking out, he saw pale silver wings and long hair that gleamed like flame; the features of a Sleveten.
Silently, he swooped down, his wings tucked in tight, aiming for the Fleirzon below.
Verdeyan gasped, and swooped downwards as well, seeing the dark form of the Raptein above her. Rapteins were just one of the many Fleirzon tribes, but no tribe was as callous as the Rapteins. Verdeyan had known a girl called Laina who had been captured. Her captor had cut off the tips of her wings and flown away with her, while her friends and relatives watched, helpless against the guard of Raptein warriors that hovered in the way. Now a Raptein was after her. What would become of her?
With the memory of her friend’s fate flaring in her mind, she plummeted twisting herself into a tight spin as she fell. Slevetens were wonderful acrobats, renowned for their grace and speed, but not for their fighting skills. The Rapteins were Spartan in their lifestyles, conquering whatever part of the forest they could. Their all-male scouts were ruthless and precise in fighting and attack. Survivors told stories that made the most fearsome hailstorm seem mild. If one was captured, they were considered lost, thus few knew precisely what happened. Many had disappeared never to be seen again.
As she dropped, she heard the whistle of wings behind her, and knew the Raptein was closing in. In a last resort, she flared out her wings, nearly crying out at the pain of the stopped descent that was like lead in her veins. She wheeled and threw out her feet, the tips of her wooden boots spearing him in the stomach. The Raptein shouted and seized her, with a crushing grip.
Verdeyan struggled, kicking him with her heels, until he pressed a nerve point on her neck, rendering her unconscious. He could’ve dropped her then, but he didn’t. Instead, he extracted a knife from his rucksack, and began to shave off her feathers.
When Verdeyan first came conscious, she was aware of a throbbing in her head and a horrible apprehension. Slowly, as her coherence increased, she remembered what had transpired. Leaving the haven of her home thicket to follow the others that had left her behind in the early morning confusion, shanghaiing her in the open sky. Then the capture came searing back in vivid memory. She screamed in terror, and stood up, her entire body protesting as if her bones were breaking at the sudden movement. She recognized the oasis of a platform built atop a tree, and hurled herself from the edge, and opened her wings. Her muscles sang with pain that suddenly brought back the nightmares she’d had after Laina’s capture. That she too had been captured; now, that was the truth. She suddenly realized that she wasn’t flying; she was falling...













Chapter two: Painful Empathy

As she plummeted, a sensation unlike any other rose in her mind. She was ready to vomit, though her stomach was empty of all but bile.
She was falling, past the trunks of the Chamelaen Forest, down, down, down…into the blur below. She screamed, suddenly afraid of the open air that only the day before she’d cherished. Her wings still sang with pain, and she realized what must’ve happened. My wings have been clipped, she thougth.
A dark figure pierced the blur of blue sky and green trees. Solid armsenclosed her abdomen. She shrieked again in terror as the Raptein, her captor, lifted her back to the platform.
“Sit. Do not speak,” said the man, his deep hazel eyes narrowing at her from the shadows of his brow. He was handsome in a solemn way, his ebony hair cut short in layers, his skin pale in contrast. His clothing was like that of most Rapteins; a tunic of silk and fur thread, dyed blue grey like the clouds and a cloak of raptor feathers over a rucksack made of bird’s skin leather.
“I’m Gattlinain, son of Jorso of the Raptein tribe. Call me Gattlin, though. You are a Sleveten? Tell me you name.”
“No,” Verdeyan defied him, her voice thin, high and cracked instead of its usual steady tone.
“Alright.” Gattlin shrugged. He didn’t seem too deterred.
Even if he lost interest and left her on the platform, it wouldn’t do much good. She couldn’t fly, the feathers sheared from her skin, and a few portions of her flesh missing due to his knife’s work.
He went to a hut built near the center of the platform, shuffling through his rucksack, removed a torn bed sheet. Gattlin motioned to his captive to sit at his feet. Then, tearing strips from the sheet, he bandaged the wounds on her wings.
“Why?” she whispered.
“What?”
“Why?”
“Why I have captured you? Life is hard here in the trees. I’ve known many captured. So I’ve captured you. I won’t harm you. You’re strong, but clipped wings won’t help you. Don’t try such a ludicrous stunt again. I may not be there to catch you next time.”
“Will you tell me you name?” he repeated.
“Verdeyan,” she hissed, rolling from the sitting position onto her feet, fleeing to climb the towering branches of the tree that harbored the platform.
Gattlin didn’t follow her, but instead flung himself from the platform, into the open sky. With the cold wind flying past his feathers, and through his hair, he felt so strong and free, he was hit with a pang of regret.
What have I done? He wondered. She’s stuck now without the ability to fly.
Such beautiful wings, too. What have I done?





....

Thanks for reading!

Please, feel free to absolutely rip apart my work. It needs a though review.

-Voxina
Last edited by vox nihili on Sat Aug 14, 2010 8:04 pm, edited 6 times in total.




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Hello Vox. Sorry this took longer to get out.

The bitter wind was edged in ice, stinging like the talons of a falcon; the slate stratus an omen of the torrents that would soon slice the air.


Hrmm I don't like this as an opening sentence. It's rather jumbled. You were talking about the wind in the first part, then it goes to talking about the stratus? I think you would of been better off having an introductory sentence than starting things off with vague descriptions.

The haven of trees was like a beacon, the broad branches of pines and oaks stretching out in the expanse of limbs that she called home.


This bit threw me off. Limbs? Of what? I assume that your MC is going to some forest right? Why not come clean about it? And also, aren't 'haven' and 'beacon' essentially the same thing?

Her wings stroked up, down, up, down, just like a bird’s. All true people had wings; they were the Fleirzon, the dwellers of the sky that flew with hawks, eagles and songbirds.


This seems rather irrelevant to me. If you are forced to tell your reader that your MC is a bird person, then you aren't doing a good enough job of creating an image for your character. May I suggest of actually having your MC flying over to that haven? Actions speak louder than words.

Verdeyan glimpsed down, thinking of what it would be like to be one of the Hamoiin; creatures of myth, said to dwell in the darkness below the Chamelaen Forests. It was rumored that they had faces like the Fleirzon, although flatter, uglier and crueler with harsh, awful voices. But most of all, they had no wings. The Hamoiin dwelled far down, past the known reaches of the cerulean sky and the branches of the Chamelaen Forests that Verdeyan’s universe was composed of.


Why would Verdeyan randomly start thinking of something like that? If anything, this bit's detracting from the overall flow of the story.

The Hamoiin didn’t exist, she knew, yet she still wondered with a defiance of fact that was by some considered unhealthy for a young woman of fifteen. Now is not time to be fanciful! She chided herself, narrowing her eyes against the wind.


I find this bit rather interesting, but I wished that you had weaved this more into the story. What you currently have here however doesn't have any relevance to this bit of characterization.

Verdeyan gasped, and swooped downwards as well, seeing the dark form of the Raptein above her. Rapteins were just one of the many Fleirzon tribes, but no tribe was as callous as the Rapteins. Verdeyan had known a girl called Gerra whom had been captured. Her captor had cut off the tips of her wings and flown away with her, while her friends and relatives watched, helpless against the guard of Raptein warriors that hovered in the way. Now a Raptein was after her. What would become of her?


Firstly, I don't get why you would want to keep throwing in more detail about the other tribes. Really, stop - It's throwing me and any other potential readers off. Secondly, you've pretty much ruined the conflict for me with this bit. Now I don't find your MC interesting anymore since you've left very little for me to interpret myself.

As she dropped, she heard the whistle of wings behind her, and knew the Raptein was closing in. In a last resort, she flared out her wings, nearly crying out at the pain of the stopped descent that was like lead in her veins. She wheeled and threw out her feet, the tips of her wooden boots spearing him in the stomach. The Raptein shouted and seized her, with a crushing grip.


Now that's more like it: Pure action

Overall impressions:

Alright so I didn't bother with line by line near the end of this as I see a common trend in the types of mistakes that you are making.

I notice that you have a tendancy to drop in random details of the other race. No..don't. It is irrelevant and it detracts from the overall feel of the piece. The whole point of this first chapter is to know that the MC is going on a rescue mission but fails and is captured instead right? Then focus on it. Cut out anything that isn't related to this.

You also need to pay more attention with your descriptions. In some places, I thought you were trying to be fancy, other times it was rather long winded. I think you should really just be more honest in what you're trying to say. Also consider having more actions as part of your descriptions. This piece after all is meant to be action packed so it wouldn't hurt to have more of that.

Lastly, your MC needs development. I think you were too focused on the details of the other tribes/races and random details that you left this bit out. Consider looking at this: topic53684.html

This is also why I want you to have more action in this. Actions are a fundamental way of defining characters. What a character says/does is what we understand of him/her. In fact, I think you should also use more dialogue in this. Obviously your MC is pissed that Gerra is captured right? So why not have him trash talking to his captors, insulting them or like "Get out of my way!!!" ? Verdeyan was so static in this that it seemed like he didn't care at all (I would even dare to say that he was bored of what he was doing).

Hopefully that has helped.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Thanks, Andy. I've gone back through and edited some of the areas that you commented on.

I also cut out that sub-plot about Gerra...Looking at where I want my story to go, it hasn't played out the way I'd originally planned.

Thanks again!

-Voxina




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Hi vox,

Back for the second installement. Well, this was an improvement from what I just read - but not by much. I agree with everything Andy said up there - this piece needs work.

We know absolutely nothing about Vern. I mean, 'her brow creases with worry' when she's being chased, when she's almost caught? I'd be screaming my head off, my heart would be so loud, I couldn't hear the sound of the beating wings behind me. Think of how YOU would react, if this was happening to you!

Also, in the second part, you write, "You are a Sleveten"
She -stupidly- says no.
Then you say, "What is your name," he repeated. Huh? He didn't ask once. But he did in the part before I just read . . .

Why would she say no? It is obvious what she is, why deny it? If she wants to be rebellious (but we don't know cause we have no idea what she feels/thinks) then, why isn't isn't she simply quiet?

Just my thoughts . . .

Tanya :D




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Vox! C'est Stella!

I. NITPICKS

The bitter wind was edged in ice, stinging like the talons of a falcon as the girl flew away from her tree-top campsite.


I don't know how many times I've said this lately, but have you ever noticed just how many people start with a description of the weather? And how weather is, as a rule, not exactly interesting?

The Hamoiin didn’t exist, she knew, yet she still wondered with a defiance of fact that was by some considered unhealthy for a young woman of fifteen.


If she knew, why does she wonder?

Now is not time to be fanciful! She chided herself, narrowing her eyes against the wind.


Small s.

As the sleet began to fall, it dashed against a dark flier’s cheeks and face. In the distance, he saw the flash of wings. Another Fleirzon. Looking out, he saw pale silver wings and long hair that gleamed like flame; the features of a Sleveten.


Wait, what? You just changed perspective totally!

As she plummeted, a sensation unlike any other rose in her mind.


Oh wow, really? Describe it to us!

“Why I have captured you? Life is hard here in the trees. I’ve known many captured. I’ve also heard tales of captives forced to work the trees, their wings mutilated. So I’ve captured you. I won’t harm you, if you will work. You’re strong, but clipped wings won’t help you. Don’t try such a ludicrous stunt again. I may not catch you next time.”


I don't get the point he's trying to make here. At all.

Okay.

II. POINT OF VIEW

I don't know if you're going for the omniscient third or not, but I'm not a big fan of it, when you just randomly switch and got into a different character's head it completely puts me off balance. If you're going to do so, my advice would be to try harder to get right into your characters' heads. Honestly, I think you could do without the male's perspective. You're using it in a sort of Sue way, where you switch at the end JUST to show how beautiful and graceful Verdeyan is and how much he admires her. How on earth is that going to make us like her? If you have a legitimate reason to switch to his PoV, do so for a longer period of time, and make sure it serves a purpose other than that. Then when you're with Verdeyan, try to work her opinions in more. You know. How does she feel on her first solo flight- we didn't know it was until when she notices her enemy. How does she feel at every twist and turn? Show us!

III. OVERALL

Not bad, but could use work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hey Vox! I'm here to review your novel!

I guess that means you're going to have to get used to me hovering around for a while. Since this is going to be a clump of reviews I'll probably explain things in more detail than necessary and leave you to take into account what you want and apply it to the rest of the novel, rather than potentially repeating the same things in different reviews.
So, here's a few things I picked up on while reading your work.

Similes.
The idea of a simile (in third person) is to compare one thing to another. It takes an experience that your reader wouldn't have a clue about, and compares it with something they would, in order to draw them into the story more and give a clearer picture of what's going on.
In the beginning you've used the phrase 'like the talons of a falcon.' This isn't a feeling that many of your readers would be familiar with, so it doesn't do much to help reel them in.

Remember that in the first few lines of a pretty new novel, you've got about 3.16 seconds, reeling in your reader is exactly what you're aiming to do.

Names.
Holding out on telling your reader your characters name is good for creating mystery, but if you're going to reveal the name in a short space of time anyway, it would be better just to say it right out.
Once you've told us your characters name we know who you're talking about. Since Verdeyan is the only female character in this piece, for the majority of the time it's better to use 'her.'
Lastly, though completely up to you, remember that the name reflects the person. You want your main character to be easy to get to know and relate to. Having a three syllable name isn't the most reader friendly of names, and I get the impression it would be a bother to say and type as well. Of course, that is completely the choice of you, the writer.

As an opening...
As I mentioned, for the first few lines you need to snag your reader straight into the story. The following paragraphs are your chance to set up for the rest of the story, and let your reader know what they're in for and why they should read the rest of it. For this piece, I would recommend perhaps adding a little before this opening scene, something to better introduce Verdeyan before jumping straight into the action.

And on first impressions...
I like the style of writing in this. You've found quite a nice balance between sophisticated and readable. There's enough variety of words to keep it interesting, without murdering the thesaurus.

Most of it fits together really well and has a nice flow, too. That is with the exception of the switching viewpoint.
Now, on to chapter three!
We were born to be amazing.



Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain