The Quarter (flash fiction)

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Flash fiction written for a contest. All comments appreciated. :)
_____________________

The Quarter

The late afternoon breeze is chilly with the coming winter. He feels the cold deep in his joints, hands fumbling with the catch on the cracked, black leather case. Working quickly, he takes out the aged-guitar and sets it on his lap, twisting the knobs to force it into tune. As he works, he watches the ground before his eyes, studying the trash scudding along the dirty, gum-encrusted concrete. The incessant buzz of human voices pummels his ears, making it difficult to hear the small sounds produced by the quivering strings.

Most of the day-crowd has left by now. The sellers remain, standing watchfully behind their counters, hoping to make a few more sales off the dwindling crowds. Everything is available here, at least for those who have the money to buy it: Fresh flowers, granola, tie-dyed shirts, sheepskin slippers, souvenir models of the Space Needle, CDs, and honey. It’s all available, and just down the hall from the fish sellers, whose fragrant wares fill the entire area with the stink of decaying sea life, despite the brisk wind.
Someone shouts, and the smack of a fish carcass changing hands resonates through the market.

“Trout for James!” one calls, baring a set of rotten teeth as he hurls the dead fish across the aisle to his compatriot behind the cash register, who wraps it deftly in a sheet of white packing paper and sets it on a scale.

The customers moving along the isle between them duck, trying to avoid the cold, fishy water scattered by the fishmongers.

He should move somewhere else. The fish-sellers are a spectacle by themselves, and the people are distracted, too interested in flying fish to pay any attention to an aging street musician. Still, the crowds here are big enough that he has to try anyway. Setting out an old plastic cup for change, he begins to play a faint, melancholy tune that hardly penetrates the hum of voices.

The wind gusts again, scattering a pile of leaves across the parking lot. One large maple leaf, blown from who knows where, catches the fading light as the wind lifts it off the dirty concrete. A brilliant white stripe, formed by a carefully drawn line of paint, blazes a trail across the mottled yellow and red lobes. He studies it, wondering who drew the line, and why. Maybe it came from a ball field, or a park. He smiles at the image, but then recalls where he is, with concrete high rises all around and little evidence of anything green, other than the cut flowers sold by the vendors. The smile fades as he realizes it’s much more likely that someone painting lines for a parking lot marred the leaf.

He concentrates on the song, the swarm of feet blurring in front of his eyes. The plastic cup in the case is still empty. This morning he spent the last of his change for breakfast, so he has no money to put in the cup to encourage donations. Now he has nothing to his name, save for the weathered guitar and his thoughts, neither of which seem to be worth much.

The song trails off, and he stares at the endless procession of faces going past. They are all the same. Does anyone see him? Leaning back against a cement post, he wills someone to stop, to notice him. He remembers a time, years ago, when he finished a song to look up and see a small crowd of people watching. That was before his hands got so rough he couldn’t play right. That was also before he looked like a cross between an average bum and Santa Claus, with his scraggly gray beard and red-rimmed eyes. He smiles to himself at the thought and gently, reverently places his guitar back in the ancient case, ready to pack up and search for a more receptive audience. Maybe he’ll scrounge around here for a while to see which of the vendors might give him a free sample or two. The salted nut man is nice.

Plink!

Just as he’s about to close his case, a bright silver quarter lands in the cup. Startled, he looks around in surprise. No one has stopped. Bodies move in an endless rush around him; no one is even looking his way. Who, then?

He looks up.

There is a flicker of movement, the flash of a young, pale face rimmed with short, dark hair peering at him from the second floor balcony. Then it is gone, leaving nothing but the quarter, still rolling around on its edge in the bottom of the cup. He lowers his gaze back to the shifting crowd and finds himself sitting up straighter, contemplative, but also strangely happy for the first time that day. He picks up the guitar and begins to play again.




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canislupis wrote:Flash fiction written for a contest. All comments appreciated. :)
_____________________

The Quarter

The late afternoon breeze is chilly with the coming winter. I'm not so sure about the flow of this sentence. Fix. He feels the cold deep in his joints, hands fumbling with the catch on the cracked, black leather case. Working quickly, he takes out the aged-guitar and sets it on his lap, twisting the knobs to force it into tune. As he works, he watches the ground before his eyes, studying the trash scudding along the dirty, gum-encrusted concrete. The incessant buzz of human voices pummels his ears, making it difficult to hear the small sounds produced by the quivering strings.

Most of the day-crowd has left by now. The sellers remain, standing watchfully behind their counters, hoping to make a few more sales off the dwindling crowds. I'm not really a big fan of description but it's all your story has so far. I'm getting bored. Everything is available here, at least for those who have the money to buy it: Fresh flowers, granola, tie-dyed shirts, sheepskin slippers, souvenir models of the Space Needle, CDs, and honey. It’s all available, and just down the hall I thought it was a street?from the fish sellers, whose fragrant wares fill the entire area with the stink of decaying sea life, despite the brisk wind. "Despite the brisk wind" sounds tacked on. Take it off if possible.
Someone shouts, and the smack of a fish carcass changing hands resonates through the market.

“Trout for James!” one calls, baring a set of rotten teeth as he hurls the dead fish across the aisle to his compatriot behind the cash register, who wraps it deftly in a sheet of white packing paper and sets it on a scale.

The customers moving along the isle between them duck, trying to avoid the cold, fishy water scattered by the fishmongers.

He should move somewhere else. The fish-sellers are a spectacle by themselves, and the people are distracted, too interested in flying fish to pay any attention to an aging street musician. Still, the crowds here are big enough that he has to try anyway. Awkward wording. Change the last sentence. Setting out an old plastic cup Let's pause, shall we? You mentioned a brisk wind. Brisk wind + plastic cub = fly away cup. So he might want something heavier. for change, he begins to play a faint, melancholy tune that hardly penetrates the hum of voices.

The wind gusts again, scattering a pile of leaves across the parking lot. One large maple leaf, blown from who knows where, catches the fading light as the wind lifts it off the dirty concrete. A brilliant white stripe, formed by a carefully drawn line of paint, blazes a trail across the mottled yellow and red lobes. He studies it, wondering who drew the line, and why. Maybe it came from a ball field, or a park. He smiles at the image, but then recalls where he is, with concrete high rises all around and little evidence of anything green, other than the cut flowers sold by the vendors. The smile fades as he realizes it’s much more likely that someone painting lines for a parking lot marred the leaf.

He concentrates on the song, the swarm of feet blurring in front of his eyes. The plastic cup in the case is still empty. This morning he spent the last of his change for breakfast, so he has no money to put in the cup to encourage donations. Now he has nothing to his name, save for the weathered guitar and his thoughts, neither of which seem to be worth much.

The song trails off, and he stares at the endless procession of faces going past. They are all the same. Does anyone see him? Leaning back against a cement post, he wills someone to stop, to notice him. He remembers a time, years ago, when he finished a song to look up and see a small crowd of people watching. That was before his hands got so rough he couldn’t play right. That was also before he looked like a cross between an average bum and Santa Claus, with his scraggly gray beard and red-rimmed eyes. He smiles to himself at the thought and gently, reverently places his guitar back in the ancient case, ready to pack up and search for a more receptive audience. Maybe he’ll scrounge around here for a while to see which of the vendors might give him a free sample or two. The salted nut man is nice.

Plink!

Just as he’s about to close his case, a bright silver quarter lands in the cup. Startled, he looks around in surprise. No one has stopped. Bodies move in an endless rush around him; no one is even looking his way. Who, then?

He looks up.

There is a flicker of movement, the flash of a young, pale face rimmed with short, dark hair peering at him from the second floor balcony. Then it is gone, leaving nothing but the quarter, still rolling around on its edge in the bottom of the cup. He lowers his gaze back to the shifting crowd and finds himself sitting up straighter, contemplative, but also strangely happy for the first time that day. He picks up the guitar and begins to play again.


Final comments:

Lovely description, almost perfect actually. I can easily say it's your strongest point. As you can see I didn't find much wrong with the story. :)

The only complaint I have is the lack of action. It's all contemplative and stuff, which isn't bad because I'm guessing you're going for that. But I'm more prone to action driven works so yeah. The description in the beginning was also overkill.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for this review. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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Hi!

Thanks so much for the review. I'll try and edit for the things you mentioned.

About the street/hall thing: This is based off the Pike Place Market in Seattle. It's both inside and outside--some places are open to the street, and some are enclosed.

And were you saying that I should make it more action-heavy, or just that you preferred different types of stories?

Either way, thanks for the critique. I really appreciate it. ;)

Lupis




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Here to review as requested :)

The Quarter

The late afternoon breeze is chilly with the coming winter. He feels the cold deep in his joints, hands fumbling with the catch on the cracked, black leather case. Working quickly, he takes out the aged-guitar and sets it on his lap, twisting the knobs to force it into tune. As he works, he watches the ground before his eyes, studying the trash scudding along the dirty, gum-encrusted concrete. The incessant buzz of human voices pummels his ears, making it difficult to hear the small sounds produced by the quivering strings. I liked this opening paragraph, it was nice and descriptive. :wink:

Most of the day-crowd has left by now. The sellers remain, standing watchfully behind their counters, hoping to make a few more sales off the dwindling crowds. Everything is available here, at least for those who have the money to buy it: Fresh flowers, granola, tie-dyed shirts, sheepskin slippers, souvenir models of the Space Needle, CDs This should be Cd's., and honey. It’s all available, and just down the hall from the fish sellers, whose fragrant wares fill the entire area with the stink of decaying sea life, despite the brisk wind.
Someone shouts, and the smack of a fish carcass changing hands resonates through the market.

“Trout for James!” one calls, baring a set of rotten teeth as he hurls the dead fish across the aisle to his compatriot behind the cash register, who wraps it deftly in a sheet of white packing paper and sets it on a scale.

The customers moving along the isle between them duck, trying to avoid the cold, fishy water scattered by the fishmongers.

He should move somewhere else. The fish-sellers are a spectacle by themselves, and the people are distracted, too interested in flying fish to pay any attention to an aging street musician. Still, the crowds here are big enough that he has to try anyway. Setting out an old plastic cup for change, he begins to play a faint, melancholy tune that hardly penetrates the hum of voices.

The wind gusts again, scattering a pile of leaves across the parking lot. One large maple leaf, blown from who knows where, catches the fading light as the wind lifts it off the dirty concrete. A brilliant white stripe, formed by a carefully drawn line of paint, blazes a trail across the mottled yellow and red lobes. He studies it, wondering who drew the line, and why. Maybe it came from a ball field, or a park. He smiles at the image, but then recalls where he is, with concrete high rises all around and little evidence of anything green, other than the cut flowers sold by the vendors. This sentence was a bit long. Maybe you could try shortening it a bit?The smile fades as he realizes it’s much more likely that someone painting lines for a parking lot marred the leaf.

He concentrates on the song, the swarm of feet blurring in front of his eyes. The plastic cup in the case is still empty. This morning he spent the last of his change for breakfast, so he has no money to put in the cup to encourage donations. Now he has nothing to his name, save for the weathered guitar and his thoughts, neither of which seem to be worth much. I liked this sentence, it had a nice flow.

The song trails off, I don't think you really need the comma here. and he stares at the endless procession of faces going past. They are all the same. Does anyone see him? Leaning back against a cement post, he wills someone to stop, to notice him. He remembers a time, years ago, when he finished a song to look up and see a small crowd of people watching. That was before his hands got so rough he couldn’t play right. That was also before he looked like a cross between an average bum and Santa Claus, Now that is what you call a good simile :lol: with his scraggly gray beard and red-rimmed eyes. He smiles to himself at the thought and gently, reverently places his guitar back in the ancient case, ready to pack up and search for a more receptive audience. Maybe he’ll scrounge around here for a while to see which of the vendors might give him a free sample or two. The salted nut man is nice.

Plink!

Just as he’s about to close his case, a bright silver quarter lands in the cup. Startled, he looks around in surprise. No one has stopped. Bodies move in an endless rush around him; no one is even looking his way. Who, then?

He looks up.

There is a flicker of movement, the flash of a young, pale face rimmed with short, dark hair peering at him from the second floor balcony. Then it is gone, leaving nothing but the quarter, still rolling around on its edge in the bottom of the cup. He lowers his gaze back to the shifting crowd and finds himself sitting up straighter, contemplative, but also strangely happy for the first time that day. This sentence was a bit on the long side as well.He picks up the guitar and begins to play again.


Overall

This isn't usual my kind of story, but I actually really enjoyed reading this. Some of your descriptions were very effective and vivid. They created some very nice imagery in my head, so well done for that. :)

Although your descriptions are good, there was a bit too much of them at times. It doesn't actually bother me all that much, but it might bother other people. When there's an awful lot of description, sometimes the reader can be a bit bored and stop reading. I know that you have calmed the description down after your first review, but I still found it a tad bit too descriptive.

I think you should include some more action. :wink: Although, I'm not saying that you should get a load of guys wearing leather and belts full of guns onto the scene... that would be weird. Just make some more things happen, if you get what I mean?

Except for these little issues, I seriously liked this! I could see what was happening in my head and I loved the simile about Santa Clause and a bum... :lol: I really liked your MC as well, he seemed like a sweet bloke. I'm also very intrigued to who the person was that dropped the money into his cup. Riveting... ~_~

If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread!

Keep writing (Otherwise I'll cry)

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Thanks so much!

Ok, so I guess I'll have to edit some of the description in the beginning. I'm not really sure what else could happen, but I'll think about it. :)

Thanks again!

Lupis




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Hey there! Wonderful description, this is one of the few truly well-written pieces I've seen here in a while. It may go a little to the detriment of other things in your story, like little details as someone before me mentioned, but for the most part, it's a welcome change. While you do spend a lot of time setting up and describing every nuance of the scene, there is almost nothing of the characters. I know this is flash fiction, but make sure you give your main character a face and a personality. Characterization is very important. Now that this has all been said, on to the meat of this review!
Working quickly, he takes out the aged-guitar and sets it on his lap, twisting the knobs to force it into tune

Speaking as a musician with great respect for the instruments I use, I would not force a guitar into tune. The guitar is probably this man's most prized possession, his sole source of income for countless years. He loves this guitar. Show it.
The incessant buzz of human voices pummels his ears, making it difficult to hear the small sounds produced by the quivering strings.

The connotations of "buzz" and "pummel" don't necessarily mesh well in my mind.
Someone shouts, and the smack of a fish carcass changing hands resonates through the market.

And again, with smack and resonates.
The customers moving along the isle between them duck,

Aisle, not isle.
The wind gusts again, scattering a pile of leaves across the parking lot. One large maple leaf, blown from who knows where, catches the fading light as the wind lifts it off the dirty concrete. A brilliant white stripe, formed by a carefully drawn line of paint, blazes a trail across the mottled yellow and red lobes. He studies it, wondering who drew the line, and why. Maybe it came from a ball field, or a park. He smiles at the image, but then recalls where he is, with concrete high rises all around and little evidence of anything green, other than the cut flowers sold by the vendors. The smile fades as he realizes it’s much more likely that someone painting lines for a parking lot marred the leaf.

This entire paragraph seems out of place, to me. It's very well-written, but it just doesn't feel like it belongs.
This morning he spent the last of his change for breakfast

Remember, commas after introductory phrases.
Now he has nothing to his name, save for the weathered guitar and his thoughts, neither of which seem to be worth much.

I would add in an and right after the comma, and switch seem to seemed.
That was before his hands got so rough he couldn’t play right.

This just sounds awkwardly worded.
There is a flicker of movement, the flash of a young, pale face rimmed with short, dark hair peering at him from the second floor balcony.

Someone lands a quarter in a plastic cup from a second floor balcony? Nice.
He picks up the guitar and begins to play again.

I don't usually use the word "lovely" in everyday conversation, but your ending was lovely.
Nice work! It was a pleasure to read.
-JK
The doorway has been opened.
Stab.




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Hi there! This story is very beautifully painted, and the imagery makes me feel like I can see everything perfectly. The only thing I would say, and it's mostly just my personal style, but I would have liked to hear some words maybe, just a sentence or two, to help cement the emotion of the story. Other than that, it's a beautiful story, and I like it a lot! If you don't mind, I would greatly appreciate it if you were to look over on my profile and review "Trouble on the Homefront." It's a prologue for a lager idea, and maybe you could advise me how to proceed.
Thanks very much, and keep writing!
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?



My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu