The Ascension (part one)

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So begins my tale of the Sea...


-Prologue-
Dear Reader,
Where you are, wherever you are, wherever you are not, you are always one step away from the world which this book will introduce you to. Just keep that in mind.

-Chapter One-
The design written on the parchment before him was a strange wonder. It was not a design that Landon had never before seen; the main body of the design was that of a traditional sailing vessel. What was unique about this drawing was that instead of a system of sails and masts, this vessel had a single mast and a corkscrew sail that could rotate in either a right to left or a left to right direction. As if this was not strange enough, Landon could not tell how the corkscrew sail was to turn. Attached to the base of the mast was a peculiar machination of gears, an oven and water. There was a short explanation of how this odd device was to operate, but Landon very much doubted whether it could work. How could boiling water power a vessel, wondered Landon, never mind one that was supposed to fly?
Landon bit his lip and put the designs on the table in front of him. Watching his every move was his brother Aviv, the man whose hand had drawn these ludicrous plans and whose mind had defied every attempt of rationalizing. When Aviv had told Landon that he was calling in a favor, Landon had expected something like free goods from his market or help to win the favor of a woman (something Aviv lacked the ability to do). Instead, he was asking for funding for what he called…
“What did you call this?” asked Landon.
“I call it the Ascension,” said Aviv with a proud grin on his face.
“The Ascension. Right.” Landon hoped the doubt in his voice would dissuade Aviv from his newest project.
“I may rename her in the future, but the Ascension sounds good to me for now. Oh, and before you point it out, I know that I need to add a propeller in the back of the vessel. I had plans for that, but I seemed to have misplaced them at the last minute, so I brought you these. The propeller is to have the same mechanism as the central sail. Do you think I should add another mast and screw sail? Two, maybe? Or what if I had a traditional sail as well? There’s an idea worth considering!”
It was no use. People like Aviv are too caught up with their own ideas to listen to subtle messages from those who still had common sense to recognize a bad idea when they saw one. Landon hoped that a direct approach would be more effective.
Rolling up the designs, Landon said, “Aviv, I cannot be certain whether I can spare enough money to help you with this…venture.”
“Ah, but I do not need much. Unless I want to build more masts and sails, that is. But I believe that three thousand merits will do. And before you lie to me again, I have seen your financial figures for this year, Landon, and for you what I’m asking for is barely more than pocket change.” The inventor face, before filled with youthful wonderment, now had a suspicious frown. Landon knew that frown. It was one Aviv wore when someone was in the way of his success.
Sighing, Landon said, “Aviv, you’re right. I have the money and I owe it to you. You did, after all, get me started in this business. But there is something you must consider.”
“What is it? I have looked over the designs for hours and found them flawless.”
“I am sure your design is a good one. What I want you to think of is not your project, Aviv, but yourself. Look at you! You are not yet forty and your head is losing hair already! You told me in your letter that you cough is getting worse, too! If you do not stop to care for yourself, Aviv, then no one else will. And then what? Do you want to die young and alone? Do you?”
To Landon’s great surprise, Aviv had back his smile. “But I am not alone, Landon; I have you.” Landon did not know how to respond to that.




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Hi TheManintheHat,

I really enjoyed this. I think it has great character and the writing was fluent and easy to read. I think the glimpse you have given the reader of the relationship between the brothers has a lot of charm and is a really strong basis for further development. There were one or two spelling and grammatical errors but they didn't really get in the way of the story enough for me to have an issue with them so I wont bother highlighting them for you as I'm sure you are more than capable of finding them yourself.

I look forward to the next installment!

OisinBeBe
Last edited by OisinBebe on Wed Apr 28, 2010 3:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Dear Reader,
Where you are, wherever you are, wherever you are not, you are always one step away from the world which this book will introduce you to. Just keep that in mind.
This part you say Where you are, wherever you are this is quite repetitive. The brothers seem like they don't know each other and act like their strangers, most brothers are strait up with each other.
-Bandgeek out
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!




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Hey there, I'm here for a review!

TheManintheHat wrote: -Prologue-
Dear Reader,
Where you are, wherever you are, wherever you are not, you are always one step away from the world which this book will introduce you to. Just keep that in mind.


I don't know if this is completely necessary, especially as a prologue. Prologues generally give you a quick backstory so you can get caught up with the characters now, and this isn't really a history of anything. You could rename it to be an Introduction, but again that brings me back to the point: is it really necessary?

The design written on the parchment before him was a strange wonder. It was not a design that Landon had never before seen; the main body of the design was that of a traditional sailing vessel.


This sounds awkward when you read it aloud. Try replacing it with "not."

People like Aviv are too caught up with their own ideas to listen to subtle messages from those who still had common sense to recognize a bad idea when they saw one.


This is sounding too preachy now, like you're trying to hint at something to the reader. Also, that "are" that I highlighted should be "were"; everything else is in past tense, so it needs to match.

The inventor's face, before filled with youthful wonderment, now had a suspicious frown.


To Landon’s great surprise, Aviv had back his smile.


Had back? Doesn't work. Try something like, "Aviv's smile had returned," or "Aviv was smiling again." Had back is just too awkward.

So the main issues I noticed were a few wording problems, nothing more. As for the story itself, it could be interesting, and I like the idea of a couple of brothers being the main characters; however, they do seem awfully formal for family, unless they're supposed to be rather estranged from each other.

Okay, I'm off to read part two; please PM me if you have any questions! :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind