The Heart of Sin [Prologue]

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So umm... this is the second story that I've posted up here, granted I never finished posting my first one, but so many people seemed to have lost interest in it so I figured It'd be better if I just started a whole new one. I know it doesn't seem like it at first, but the story will get more romantic as it goes on. Please review, I haven't been on in a very long time and I pray that I've gotten a little better since then... Well here it is, I hope you like it.




Prologue


Screams, most likely the most common sound a human makes when either scared or in pain. I don’t see why though, it never does any good. No one comes running to save you, and it’s not like it makes your attacker stop; some freaks even enjoy listening to the screams of their victims. Personally I could really care less either way, they’ll die regardless.
“Oh, will you shut up already?!” I yelled at the man who lay dying before me. His pointless screaming had ceased to amuse me long ago. I lifted him by the hair on his head; there wasn’t much but it was just enough to grab and make it as painful as possible. I looked into his eyes and he stared back into mine in horror; it must be terrifying to be face-to-face with your death. I almost pitied the weak human whose life was literally in my hands, so I decided to spare the torture and just end his wait. I grabbed his face in my hands, and stared down at him he screamed one last time. I quickly snapped his neck, causing almost instant death, and dropped him.
I watched his lifeless body fall to the floor when I heard someone else scream behind me. It was the person who had accompanied the dead man, only proving my point that screaming is futile. This young man stood there the entire time and watched his friend die, didn’t try to help him, nothing, all the while listening to his friend scream and plead for life.
“Shut up before I kill you too,” I growled at him. The young man instantly silenced his screams and turned to run. I turned my head to watch, I found it amusing. He had just watched me slay his friend, despite his attempts to run, and still choose to try to run from me. His weak human legs would never be able to out run me if I choose to chase after him.
“Ira!” A voice yelled from my silver bracelet, Rodrick was calling me again.
“What do you want?” I asked impatiently, opening a small compartment on the top of my bracelet.
“Gather you siblings and return to the manor,” He responded, I could tell by the tone of his voice that he had rolled his eyes at me. I’m probably the last person he wanted to talk to on a friendly basis, but I’m the only one that will follow…non-violent orders.
“Alright, I’ll go get them. We’ll be there in an hour or so,” I responded dully and closed the compartment on my bracelet, cutting off whatever else Rodrick was going to say. If it was important he’d, I guess call me back, for lack of a better term.
I rolled my eyes as I walked off to find, as Rodrick called them, my “siblings”. I called them as they are… the other six deadly sins.
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If you can't dazzle the world with your knowledge, Then baffle them with your bullshit.




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Hello. I too have neglected YWS for a while now. But I am trying to make up for it. Well, off I go.


most likely the most

Repetition of 'most' sounds awful. Take one out.

Personally I

Comma after personally.

him he screamed

as he screamed...

nothing, all

Period instead of comma?

I found it amusing.

You used amusing before. Before when you had such a broad vocabulary. Keep up the good words.

still choose

chooses.
“Ira!” A voice yelled from my silver bracelet, Rodrick was calling me again.

Lower case a. Period instead of comma. Make some quirk about Rodrick and his constant interruptions.

,” He responded,

Lower case h.
cutting off whatever else Rodrick was going to say.

Hmm. Maybe have a "and don't-" and then have him/her close the cover? It's more entertaining.

he’d, I guess

Not sure why there is a comma there. Take out?

Well, this is indeed interesting. I'm not sure what your other story was, but I feel like this was well written. Could use some more worldly descriptions. I wasn't sure where your MC was. And I have no idea what your two victims looked like, or the bracelet for that matter. It's something people always say, "Good start, but describe" and I'm saying it to you. Good luck with this.

-Jayleigh
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Hey Rhiannon! I didn't read your other story, but here are my thoughts on your prologue:

The Yay's!

- I like the idea you were going for in the first paragraph, about the different ways people perceive screams (although I'm not a huge fan of how it was done. See below.).

- The idea of the "siblings" being the seven deadly sins. That was a great way to end the prologue. I feel like you could have set that up better... introduce the idea a bit more!

The... Not So Much's

- Vampires, question mark? I think that's what you've got going here, so I'll just caution you to be careful. This has been done to death, so I hope you've got something creative up your sleeve to make sure your version is different!

- Tone. Unless the whole thing is going to be semi-satirical, and funny all the way through, you'll have to make this a bit more serious. Right now the narrator seems sort of cavalier about the whole thing, but not in a hardened killer sort of way. More like he/she's just a bored teenager, rolling his/her eyes at being told what to do.

- Grammar and punctuation. Play with the way you phrase things. Short sentences create a sense of jaggedness, and hence, tension. Longer sentences slow down the action. Comma splices don't help anything. Make your writing as clear and correct as possible - then you can really focus on the story!

Thanks for posting, though. Hopefully you'll continue to get lots of good feedback as you improve. :D
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




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Hey Rhiannon! :D

I too thought this was a very cavalier way of dealing with this sort of thing! Maybe too cavalier. I kept on thinking, "Well, if she doesn't even like it, why does she even bother?" So you have to answer that. Maybe she can ask the people she's killing, "What, do you think I like this? Plus, it would make it slightly more humorous... in a very dark way! Always a good thing!

Also, I find it kind of hard to believe that he would just stop screaming when she tells him to shut up... it would take me a lot more. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Thank you soo much for all of your opinions!! I'm glad to see some of it was liked and the ways that I can improve it! :3 I'm glad the narrator seemed cavalier to you! She's supposed to sound that way, and the reason will be explained later! ;) Oh trust me! You'll see soon this is NOT vampires! xD I'm so sick of vampires after the whole twilight thing. They've been so over done lately!
But yeah... if you want to keep up with the story everything will unfold itself as the story goes. :)
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If you can't dazzle the world with your knowledge, Then baffle them with your bullshit.



'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11