Redemption

This is just something I did while procrastinating my homework. It's not that great, but I want to know how to make it better.

I watched as they took him.
I waited while they judged him.
I cheered as they killed him.
But I knew he had done nothing.

I knew they would stop if I said not to hurt him,
But the world is not what we want it to be.
The things that we need are the hardest to get.
I am still fighting for my redemption.

Hey, King!

I think I remember reviewing another poem of yours where this hadn't been broken up into stanzas. It's good to see you've made an effort to improve upon that!

Okay, so I really liked your last stanza, but your first stanza needs a bit of work. You're describing to us very horrid things that could probably take up the plot of a whole short story. First, describe to us who 'he' is. Is he a friend, brother, parent? If we don't know the narrator's relation to this person, how are we going to feel anything when something bad happens? Second, don't tell, show! How did they kill him? Why did they suspect him for doing something? If your narrator knew he was innocent, did he try to stand up for him?

Good luck revising this. I see that this poem has a lot potential. I think you've got a magnificent start, you just need to expand upon it.

PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor xo

Definitely like this one. However, there are somethings with the flow that you need to work on--for example, the last line. Try the old "read-it-out-loud" method. That line just seems a bit too disconnected from the rest of the stanza.

The first stanza, too sounds a bit too choppy. I think I see where you're trying to go with the whole "I" thing, but the way you worded those phrases don't exactly give the effect that your trying to push with your "I" statements. I feel, overall, when your trying to make one of those profound-ish "I" statements, you should keep the phrases short. Just my opinion, though.

Keep writing.

Overall I liked the poem, but the other comments are right. Your first stanza is a bit choppy, but the overall message is great. It invokes what we as human beings need to see in ourself to help others. I love that there are so many other writers out here that have some of the same viewpoints as I do. Good job on procrastinating. You should do that more often. It seems to work for you. Anyway I want to see more like this, and with meaning of looking inward. That is a good topic to focus on.