Keeper of the Stones: Black Dragons (2)

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 13247
Reviews 188
Chapter Two

Vara paced back and forth outside the master’s room. Her teeth dug so deeply into her bottom lip that she tasted the iron tang of blood. But she figured she had a good enough reason to mutilate her lower lip.
The boys had been due back yesterday, but no one had turned up. They still hadn’t appeared, and Vara was seriously thinking about disturbing the master and asking what had gone wrong.
If only she-
She stopped, her eyebrows pulling together in a heavy frown. Thinking she could have done any better wasn’t going to change a thing. They had been sent on the secret, special task and she hadn’t. She needed to accept that.
Yeah, right. Maybe next the master was going to ask her to go into the kitchen and make him a sandwich.
Vara started to pace again, still chewing on her lip. The master hadn’t explained why she had to stay out of it, not that he explained himself to any of them, but she couldn’t help but feel maybe he thought she couldn’t handle something important. This was a ridiculous thing to think. She’d been here since she was six, so of course the master knew what she could do.
By the way Rick, Sven, and Kieran were late coming back; Vara knew at least she could meet the deadlines set.
The doors at the bottom of the hallway burst open. Vara came to a halt as Leo stalked towards her, shoulders rolling with his predator’s walk, and his mouth nothing more than a grim line. He looked slightly sunburnt, so he’d been someplace sunny when he’d gone to fetch the boys. Not the North Pole like Vara had hoped, then.
Her irritation soon turned to anger as she realised he wasn’t actually looking at her, but had his eyes fixed on the master’s door. Once again she was ignored and put to the side. Well, that was going to change, starting now.
“Hey-” She stepped in his way, but he just pushed past her, his pale eyes never leaving the master’s door. As she stumbled backwards, trying to regain her balance, she hissed, “Don’t you dare ignore me!”
Leo kept on walking.
“Hey!” she shouted, so angry steam was practically flying from her ears. “I said don’t ignore me! What’s your problem!”
He reached the master’s door and smoothly pulled it open, acting like she wasn’t even there. It was only when the door slammed shut behind him that it occurred to her maybe the boys were late because something bad had happened. Something really bad. Maybe someone had …died.
Which was impossible. The Black Dragons were stronger and smarter than ever before. They were an influential force in the black market, one you didn’t want as your enemy. No one would dare try to take a single member out, let alone three. So how could something have happened? Had Rick given one order too many and someone had snapped. Hell, it wasn’t like Kieran found jumping through hoops to be a brilliant way to pass the time. Maybe being put on a task with Rick had driven him insane. As for Sven… Vara guessed he’d probably obeyed one stupid order too many and it had gotten him killed.
Right, this was pointless. All she was doing was speculating, and that was getting her nowhere. Leo and the master were going to be a while, and standing outside the master’s room wondering wasn’t going to do a thing. She might as well go to the training basement and take out her anger on a punch bag. Not that her punches needed any practice.
Vara whipped around and stormed down the corridor, heading for the training rooms. As she reached the double doors, they opened, nearly whacking her in the face.
Cherry stepped into the corridor and then stopped, her luscious lips parted in surprise at how close Vara was. Her long, fake lashes framed her widening eyes like thousands of spider legs. They widened even more when Vara grabbed her by the neck and slammed her against the nearest wall.
“You,” Vara snarled, “are not a member of the Black Dragons. What the hell are you doing up here?”
Cherry’s mouth opened and shut, but no words came out. Growling impatiently, Vara relaxed her hold on Cherry’s throat slightly.
In between great lungfuls of air, Cherry wheezed, “Lookin’ … for you…”
“Me?”
“Yeah.” Cherry’s tone sharpened as she began to recover. “God, you didn’t … have to … freakin’ kill me!”
“That’s a good act, but somehow I don’t believe you. Why are you really here? Sneaking around?”
“Jesus, you’re so paranoid. I was lookin’ for you. Kieran ain’t come back yet…”
A twinge of surprise ran through Vara. Kieran was a real pain in the ass, but he didn’t seem the type to get comfy with Cherry. Sure his morals were messed up in the way he could release a rain of bullets on anyone, but he didn’t get mixed up with prostitutes, especially ones like Cherry.
“…And before he went, he gave me his phone. I promised I’d look after it until he got back, but he ain’t here yet. Look, I ain’t a baby-sitter for phones, alright? If I have it one more day, I’m gonna sell it. ”
Once again, Vara had jumped to conclusions, which wasn’t a good thing in the Black Dragons. Assumptions got you killed. “Ah, yeah. Wait, why’d he do that?”
“You can’t take ‘em when you go on tasks, he said. In case you lose ‘em and someone gets all your info off ‘em, and tracks-”
“No, why you? He should’ve left them with the master like everyone else.”
Cherry’s slow smile had Vara feeling like running for the nearest shower. “Maybe he saw somethin’ he likes.”
“You?” Vara snorted and let go of her. “Get outta here before I’m sick.”
Cherry’s eyes narrowed, but her sore throat seemed to make her think twice about saying anything offensive. Smart girl.
“Here.” Cherry pressed something into one of Vara’s hands. “Take it at least.”
Vara glanced down and saw it was Kieran’s phone. As she shoved it in her pocket, Vara said to Cherry, “How about I walk you out.” It wasn’t a question; Vara didn’t trust the girl at all. The fact she was just giving Kieran’s phone to Vara without his go-ahead gave her even more reason not to. They were all in luck it was Vara she wanted to give it to, and not someone else in the black market business. That could’ve been a disaster.
“I don’t go that way, love, but give me the right amount and I might consider it.”
“Vara.”
They both spun around and saw Leo standing not that far away, his arms crossed and mouth drawn into a tight, unhappy line. His practically colourless eyes were fixed on Vara, reminding her of a cobra just before it struck. Then they shifted to Cherry, making her shrink back. “Leave.”
She didn’t need to be told twice. Without a single glance back, she hurried away, nearly breaking her ankles in her high-heeled shoes.
Vara looked back at Leo, her sense of irritation creeping back to her. Yet when his eyes turned back on her, the temperature suddenly plunged. Which annoyed her even more. So what if Leo was one creepy SOB? It wasn’t like the master would ever let him try and take her down.
“You looking at something?” she asked sharply after a moment or two. Predators went for the weak ones more than those who’d give them a hell of a fight back. So Vara always toughened up around him.
“You.”
“Well, do you mind going back to ignoring me if you’re going to be like this? Hell, what was that back there, Leo? You think you can just shut me out like that?”
He didn’t reply. Just stared down at her.
“Hey- You’re doing it again! Christ!” She shook her head, half amazed, half tempted to rip his head off. “You know what – fine. Just fine.” She reached for the door. “I’ve got better things to do.”
She completely intended to storm out then, but as she ripped open the door he said something that made her freeze. Something that made her forget what she had been doing and why she was so wound up. Something that suddenly replaced the irritation and filled her with dread.
“The master wants to see you.”
Last edited by EmmaJane on Sun May 23, 2010 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2474
Reviews 47
Hey, this is good, just a comment. Vara is angry that she's being ignored and steam flies out of her ears. That sounded weird, seeing as steam doesn't exactly fly out of anywhere. Try something like "steam practically poaring out of her ears. And at the end of the sentence "Had Rick given one order too many and someone had snapped" there needs to be a question mark, not a period. Why does the fact that the master wanting to see her fill Vara with dread? Seeing as she was completely considering going to talk to him in the begining, he doesn't seem like the most feared. If he's supposed to be very feared, you have to put that. Besides, if he is, Rick and Kieran and the other guy from the chapter before didn't seem very scared of him when the master called. Instead they were joking around. If the fact that the master wants to see her spells doom, you have to write that only when people who were summoned by the master usually were killed or whatever.
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19723
Reviews 225
Hey there! Well thanks for the PM, I shall review!

All right, well I just read through it, and thankfully, there weren't any errors. (or none that I could see :lol: )

I can understand what Dragnet was saying, but I don't think you should mention that the master is evil or anything, actually. The way I'm perceiving it, he's this powerful bad guy that you don't want to mess with. Hell, they call him "master", that speaks a lot to begin with! I believe that it is fine the way it is right now, that you should leave the mystery of why she's so scared and everything for the next one... it's going to be good!

The one thing you might want to add though is some description. In the prologue, we see Vara, and then in this chapter you say she's been with the BDs since she was 6. So how long ago was that? How old is she now? Teenager? Adult?
And maybe a little more info on Cherry too, because I couldn't seem to picture her in my head, really.

Other than that, I think the chapter was good. It's real easy to connect with how Vara is feeling, which is great!
Can't wait for the next one :wink:
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
topic75101.html

Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
What can I say? I couldn't resist :D

Well, I loved this chapter and as before, liked the similies. (Cherry lashes like thousands of spider legs).

I would have also liked a bit more description. If Cherry is really some prostitute and not Vara being *bitchy* then explain how she knows her. Explain why Kieran would give HER his phone. Show us Vara's surprise that this woman got into a top-secret place.

Is Vara usually this tempermental and angry or only now because she was left out by the latest mission and now ignored by Leo? (he really creeps me out by the way, so nicely done).

Okay, now I'm really going to bed lol, so PM me the link for the 3rd chapter?

Thanks, Tanya :D




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 30338
Reviews 560
Ohh this is so cool!

Okay, first of all- more things I like about this. In such a short space of time you've created characters that are so vivid. It seems to be the most subtle references that gives them each a history, even the ones who probably won't be making any more appearances. I also like how the narrative voice changes depending on which character it is following.

Now for criticism. The description of luscious lips and long fake lashes, referring to Cherry, seems a little forced, like it's in there because it has to be. Maybe you could pick a different trait or two that would blend in better.

'By the way Rick, Sven, and Kieran were late coming back; Vara knew at least she could meet the deadlines set.' - Semi-colons link two related sentences, but the two parts should be able to stand on their own. 'By the way Rick, Sven and Kieran were late coming back,' doesn't make sense as a sentence on its own. It's the same with clauses, but you seem to have no problem in that area.

Over to part three.
We were born to be amazing.



What's stopping you?
— David Mamet