Watched

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Valeska heaved her armful of firewood up, bracing it against her collarbone. She glanced over at Ted who was bent over, shuffling another mouldy log onto the stack in his arms.

"That should do now," she said.

"If this crap lights." Ted stood up, a strained expression spreading across his sweat covered face as he straightened his back.

"Well it's not as wet as-" A sound in the bushes. It had come from the direction of their camp. Valeska paused to hear more but the forest was silent. "You hear that?"

"Yes." Ted's face was frozen in concentration. "Could they have got back that quickly?"

Valeska quietly set her pile of wood down, and slinked into the undergrowth with silence honed over her five years living in the wild. She knew Ted was behind her, not from any noise, but out of a mutual trust.

Two minutes later they arrived on the edge of the clearing they were staying in, which was now shrouded in late afternoon shadow. The first thing she noticed was her mother's absence. The second thing she noticed was that nothing else was missing. Why would they take a fifty year old woman and not the precious drugs they'd found, or even their food?

Valeska signalled for Ted to wait, and then crept into the clearing. She surveyed the circular wall of bushes, but saw no movement, and heard no sounds. That in itself was a fair warning. It meant the usually carefree animals saw a reason to hide.

She thought she could hear a voice, although in such silence it could easily have been her imagination. If it was real, it was on the very edge of audibility.

A warm breath caressed her ear, but she didn't start, knowing it was Ted. No one else could have got that close without her hearing.

"I heard it too."

Nothing to do but wait. The shadows grew deeper.

Another voice, this time coming from a slightly different direction, close enough that it could have been the same person after having moved, but just as easily not. She erred on the side of caution. At least two out there.

The voices stopped. In the ensuing silence she thought of course there were at least two. Why else would they be talking. That meant there could be two groups of two at least.

The silence continued. There were so many possibilities here that she didn't even care to consider them all. All she knew was that they'd be safest if the other boys were here too, not out there, isolated, vulnerable. But who'd get them? It took only a moment of consideration to decide that Ted should go. That way if it sounded like they were moving towards him, she could call out to draw them off, and he'd still be able to get to the others safely, and they could hide.

She leaned towards Ted's ear. "Find Troy and Michael."

That was all she needed to say. Ted crept into the bushes without a word, his footsteps on the leaf litter almost so quiet she couldn't hear them. Almost.

As soon as she couldn't hear him anymore, there was a rustle to her left. She stopped herself at the last moment from doing a fast whirl towards the noise which could easily have given her away. Instead she looked by moving her eyes, not her head. Still no movement.

Something moved behind her, this time too close to let it go. She turned, in a fast but controlled movement. It didn’t take her a second to spot the pair of eyes in the undergrowth. She stared at them, as if to say “I know you’re there.” If these were thieves, hopefully they’d think twice about attacking someone who was aware of their presence. But if they were thieves, why had they taken her mother and not the drugs. And whatever they were, why did they come twice. Were there two sets of people out there?

The eyes stared back, and instinctively she held the stare. It wasn’t until she heard the running footsteps that she realised she’d been tricked. She spun around, drawing her sword, knowing it would be too late. She only caught a glimpse of the wild bearded face before the man crashed into her, and they both slammed into the forest floor.

Valeska thrashed, and the man put up surprisingly little resistance. It wasn’t until she’d thrown him off that she realised he was dead.

She scrambled to her feet, and before her stood her mother, trembling. She spun around before the reason why caught up with her, and slashed across another man’s neck, then did a full circle to make sure no one else was coming.

She brought her eyes to rest on her mother when she knew the coast was clear, and almost spoke. Instead she voiced the question in her head; how did you get there? She dismissed the question as unimportant ant the moment. Her mother also remained dutifully quiet. Valeska felt proud that despite the recent degeneration of her mother’s sanity, she still knew perfectly well this was no situation in which to talk, as if she could read Valeska’s thoughts.

Two down. That could have meant all of them were dead, or there could be any amount of them still out there, and Valeska wasn’t going to take any chances. Maybe she should say something. Perhaps she could stall them by bluffing until Ted returned. But if the attackers were still confident, would she want to draw attention to her exact location.

It was a decision she didn’t have to make.

“We’re sorry,” a voice said. “We thought you were somebody else. We’ll go now and leave each other in peace. You killed some of us but it serves us right attacking without knowing for sure who you were. We’ll go.”

Bullshit. At least that confirmed there were still people out there, and they underestimated her intelligence. She weighed her options. If she called their bluff maybe they’d leave for real. But maybe she could pretend to believe them, and lull them into a false sense of security – at the expense of increased likelihood that they’d attack, and probably sooner too. She decided to try and stall.

“Hang on,” she called. “You could have killed us. You can’t just leave without making up for it.”

No reply.

“You ought to give us some supplies or something.”

Still nothing. She decided to take another tack.

“Show yourselves or we’ll hunt you down. We’ve killed two of you easy. We can kill more . You really think we’re worth the risk?”

Minutes passed in silence, and Valeska realised she’d made another mistake. If they were still out there, they’d know she was bluffing. No way she’d try and hunt them down. Then again they could have gone, scared away by her threat, but that seemed unlikely.

The sun ventured further over the peaks of the Castra mountains, so that Valeska could see little further than the circle of vine tendrils clawing their way into the clearing.

A wolf howled somewhere. Frogs croaked. All manner of sound cover emerged as night fell, leaving Valeska no way of telling if the men out there were moving closer. Closing in. She knew they were.

Something bit the back of her hand, but she made no move to brush it off, in case their watchers were close enough to detect the sudden movement. Which she had no doubt they were.

Then she heard them. Very close. She slowly turned toward the noise. The ice creeping down her back reminded her that she would always be vulnerable in one direction. Her mother wouldn’t stand a chance in open combat, so her cover was meaningless in that regard.

The bush shook ever so slightly, and she could have sworn she heard her name. So her mind wanted to play tricks on her.

She felt her mother press up against her back, felt her cold, goosebumped neck, heard her rapid, shallow breathing. She trembled.

“Valeska.”

“Shh.” Not her mind playing tricks on her at all. She prayed that her mother could hold herself together.

“Valeska.”

“Shh.” Curious how the whisper seemed to have come from in front and not behind, as if there was an echo.

A dark figure emerged from the bushes.

“Valeska.”

Not her mother speaking at all. She felt relief wash over her as she realised who it was. “Ted.”

The figure nodded its head. Another two silhouettes stepped into the clearing. Troy and Michael.

“Are they still out there?”

Valeska was about to say yes, but then realised that if the movement she’d heard was Ted and the others, then maybe their watchers had gone. But maybe not, so she settled for an “I don’t know.”

“We should leave,” Ted said.

Valeska considered this. If they were still out there, they’d hear them. She could move quietly on her own, but not five of them, and in the dark at that. They could be followed. “No,” she said. “We’ll stay here. They won’t attack us if we’re awake and vigilant.”

Ted nodded without question. Valeska gave the surroundings another look. Everything seemed back to normal. The frogs croaked just inside the bushes, and the birds were moving again. The forest seemed to think the danger had passed, and she felt tempted to agree so she could sleep that night. But she wouldn’t. A sleepless night was nothing compared to the hardships she’d endure to keep her brothers safe.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Hello Hippie!

This is a really nice little piece that is very well written and really keeps you on the edge of your seat. Well Done! There were a couple of typos I noticed but they can be easily fixed with a quick read through. I don't have any problems with this at all. Your characters were well defined, though I would really have liked to know more of the character of the Mother, I found her really intruiging. The plot was well described and executed and like I said before it kept me engaged. :D

Well Done!
Definately a Like for you :D

Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?




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I really liked this. Lots of danger and hints of things only partly seen. I think that the contrast between Veleska's exotic name and Ted's common one. Only two things that bothered me. One is what does Veleska do after she kills the first two? The others would know where she was because of all the racket that fights make. The other thing was if Veleska's hearing is as good as she thinks it is she would know who was saying her name. Other than that I couldn't find anything that wasn't great. I'm looking forward to the next part!
"There's nothing much to punctuation a sentence, really, beyond a little comma sense."
-Woe Is I




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Thanks guys. I have no plans to write a next part though. It's a short story.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Greetings Hippie! I am here at last!

I am going to break my review into three subjects. Characters, Plot, and Grammar. Hopefully you will find this helpful because you have been so helpful to me in the past. Here it goes:

Characters: You point to tell the reader that Ted and
Valeska are very close in strong,I got that right away. For troy and Michael, obviously they will come in later. One thing I felt odd was that the one girl in the party seemed to be the leader. I'm not saying that girls can't lead, but it does seem odd. Not that I don't like it, it is very original I guess. Also, pertaining to the dialogue, it seemed pretty poor compared to the rest of the writing. Such as this:

“We’re sorry,” a voice said. “We thought you were somebody else. We’ll go now and leave each other in peace. You killed some of us but it serves us right attacking without knowing for sure who you were. We’ll go.”


I found this painfully stilted. Would somebody actually just say their sorry after trying to kill you. And, would they actually say anything at all, instead of trying to conceal their position. I think it would add to the suspense if the second group didn't say anything at all.

Plot:The plot of the story is obviously undeveloped, as it should and usually is in the first chapter. What I have concluded is that it is most likely in the past or in a different world, I guess that the drugs may become important, and that the main characters mother will soon die. This is just what I'm guessing. The chapter did capture my interest, I was afraid it wouldn't but it did. Some things to improve on would probably trace back to characters, which if are well made, instantly make the plot more interesting. One thing in the beginning, she notices that her mother is missing, and then it says this:

The second thing she noticed was that nothing else was missing.


This stuck out to me as awkward. Maybe you should write it like this:

After running through a mental checklist, she is relieved to see that nothing else is missing.

So, good job on the plot!

Grammar:I did notice this error: Crap, I can't find it. It was just an extra letter in the word "an" or something. Darnet! Okay, anyway, this wasn't too bad, and if you feel like it, you can always just read it aloud and get almost everything correct. I know that in my own experience that I am excited to put something up and don't edit, which is usually fine.

Overall, this is a solid first chapter. I am looking forward to more!

Peace
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-




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Thanks. It seems like I need to clear some things up. Valeska's 25 and her brothers are 18, 17 and 16, which is why she's the leader. The bit where the people called out saying sorry was meant to be them trying to fool Valeska and co. into thinking they'd left. I'll try and add in some more cues to these things.

And dialogue :evil: I always fall down on dialogue.

Thanks a lot. I like how we can both learn from each other.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.



Bring something incomprehensible into the world!
— Gilles Deleuze