Golden Souls (part 1)

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Clouds of iron gray huddled together in the sky over a small town. It was empty except for the occasional shopper who clutched his jacket close and cast worried glances toward the dark, flinty sky. A small boy sat on the filthy sidewalk, which was nearly dirty as himself, and pulled his knees up to his chest, looking around in silence.

Dragon was people watching as he did every Thursday. It had always interested him to watch every completely new face walk by, unique in so many ways. He was out looking for a specific person. About a year ago, which was near the time he had lost his older brother, he had spotted a woman through a thick crowd. She was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. She was…different. And even though she had been an unusually pretty woman, after a few weeks her vivid appearance had dimmed from his mind. It was difficult for him to remember her, and ever since then he had sat out look for her.

The boy knew that she had fair skin not scarred by knifes of obscured with dirt. Cherry red lips parted around perfect, even white teeth. And her hair, a shimmering golden brown, would have found a way to shine even in this sunless sky. Still, it was always a battle to remember her.

She had been escorted by a balding, middle-aged man. He was as unpleasant to look at as she was pretty. The older man had a large pot belly which seemed to put a strain on his fading black suit, and the buttons traveling up the fabric were threatening to pop right off. His lank hair, which was probably a ginger in his prime, was now streaked with gray and looked as dull as his brown eyes. The hair he had lost on his crown could be seen growing in a great abundance from each, oversized nostril. The man spoke loudly to those he recognized on the street and steered the unwilling, beautiful young woman around, almost as if she were a dog.

Then, typically, he spotted Dragon staring at the pair with wide, curious eyes. The man raised his large nose up at the boy, glaring in a superior way. He had been sitting in the same spot he was now.

“The dirty little thief!” he had exclaimed to those around him. “Just looking over at us, trying to find what’s best to steal, no doubt!:

Honestly, Dragon wouldn’t have stolen anything from the man. He know how to tell those who appeared to have money and those who didn’t. The balding man’s suit was too small for him and, if you looked closely, fraying at the ends. While the woman wore a strand of pearls, the man didn’t wear anything of the sort. No jewels, not even a pocket watch. But Dragon was looking at his hands. He knew that you could tell a lot about person by simply looking at their hands.

The mans hands were calloused. He had obviously worked his entire life. It was always easy to tell if someone was rich, because their hands were unmarked by any type of work. And Dragon only saw reason to steal from the wealthy. He knew that it was much easier to steal from them and it was always easier for them to replace what he took.

Light, the brilliant shade of yellow-white flashed with such stark contrast against the depressing clouds, it made the boy go temporarily blind. Then, almost as if the lightening had shattered open the sky, rain fell in thick droplets over the empty town. Dragon threw his arms over his head in a weak attempt to shelter himself from the freezing rain. It clung to his greasy black hair, beading up at the ends, before dripping down his cheeks in tiny rivulets and leaving grimy patterns across his face. Water pooled in the indentation where his shoulder and collar bone met. He gave a violent shudder, sneezed and put his arms around his chest, fighting to keep warm.

The rain felt like icy whips on his skin and he hardly noticed when a dark shape came over him, blocking the downpour. It took Dragon a moment to realize that the water was no longer pelting his skin. He looked up, blinking stupidly as a large, broad-shouldered woman. She didn’t look like the warm motherly type. Not at all.

**This is a rather long short story (xD) so I'll have to post it in parts. Hope you enjoy. I look foward to reading the critics! Oh, and it'll get better, I promise. Sorry you can't really see the plot yet. :/**
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

~A Very Potter Musical - Dumbledore




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Hello!


First paragraph structure: weather descr; people (unimportant to plot, so - filler.) descr; enter the MC. Now, sentence one and two connect, click, whatever, while that third proper intro is jammed into that first paragraph - seams can be seen.

I don't like that first paragraph. The emphasis is on people who ultimately do not count (and while a sense of setting, place is covered, yeah, so what when in the end it means nothing?). The MC, he's dirty and sitting on filthy sidewalk which is only a bit more dirty than him, and he's a small boy to boot!

So, those descriptions at the very beginning which tocuh things like setting, weather, descriptions should kinda lead to that MC too. Right now it's list like: I told about this, that. And they can be used so well: those people ought to be mentioned, yes, very important part of setting, but maybe in accordance oh I fogret the word, contrast, that's it, to the way - that they walk past, do what thye're doing now, but aware of that boy, because they can't possibly not be aware of him? Short scan, a look, look away because people usually odn't want more problems.

So right now we have the list. One, two, three check, three beung the boy. So maybe make that sole worried shopper see the boy, hurry past, leave, and then focus on the boy? I think that'd be a more dynamic start.

Dynamics. That;s what I've been trying to put my finge ron for a moment. See, "Dragon was", "the woman was" - the reader is presented with fact accomplished. It' slike reading backstory, totally unengrossing because it means little at first to the reader, because there's no connection to the charsacter - and I don;t think there will be any connection if "was" is used so many times. Worse, things don't happen to him - they happened. Backstory reek in the air again. Reader asks: so what?

He's a filthy little boy sitting on the sidewalk. It's prolly cold (little details adding realism, I think I'd like more of those - yes, they show up after the rather lengthly backstory, but it's too too late). Maybe show us that second paragraph through his perspective - make the reader realize as opposed to being told what happened. This isn't a court case - it's a story! Make it more a realization; make it happen here and now, get rid of the "was", so un-dynamic but I fogot what it's called. Starts with an 's', I think. Ooh it's passive, that's what it is.

Oh I don't think I like the portrayal of info at all. I don't like the first intro of now, then going back - eek. Lost in the forests of time. The un-motherly time is here and now? Here we finally get sneezes, and I repeat, should have come sooner.

I'd modify. I'd keep all the info, keep the phrases (woman-dog, brilliant, loved the hcaracter portrayals; unmotherly type - brilliant) but somehow change this so that huge backstory won't seem so eek backstory and take up so much space, and be soo important. You chose the easy way out, because this is the easiest way, but it's also the choppiest, the ugliest one. Some finesse!

You have wonderful characters (I said that, dindn't I? merits a repetition) apart from the robin-Hood syndrome. Stealing from the wealthy - hmm, he's filthy sitting on that sidewalk alone, obviously poor? Yes? No? He steals, yes. He has so many options open? He's a "small boy". This character (and main character) was kinda treated - only petted at the very top. Like that shark's fin, rising above water - you see it, but not the actual shark (and that fin you describe as: fin). So it kinda lacks depth, that's what I wanted to say - the sneezes came to late.

It was a blaring alarm-clock, from backstory to reality. I mean, at some point the backstory became real (illusion of here-now) making the wake-up jolt ever more painful. I simply don't like the order, I don't like how all this was shown. I like what it was, but not how it was presented. The way, the method. The here-now, backstory, here-now. God knows how many times I typed "hear" instead of "here", my pardon.

That big interference (if it were stand-alone, I'd applaud till my hands hurt) is exactly that, interference. Also: direct speech to the reader - "if you looked", eh. This is entirely personal, but I don't feel there was a need for it. Just kinda stood out badly. Also, also, the fillers, the "honestly", things like: "to tell the truth" - wordiness. Shortcuts. Like: "suddenly". What an awful word "suddenly" is! Also also also, why the use of "typically" when he spotted Dragon? (oh: commas acfter first word in the sentence call for a pause; it's ridiculous if the pattern repeats sentence after sentence).

So imagine what would happen if you cut out the interference. What would be left? A void. The rest of the text couldn't possibly support this post, and I think that's a bit sad and shortcutty and could have been maganed better. Yeah.

Oh - every Thursday, watches for that woman? (correlation between sentence 2 and 3 of second paragraph: none. They, like, could go for each other's throats if they were people). Had so much of an impact? I dont' think that's probable, realistic, at least not from I've read in that paragraph. Rather, the writer would want that (a flimsy reason), would want an excuse to go onward with interference). Seems kinda forced.


Awesome piece (on that basis any harsh comments were made; this piece can take them),
Esme




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Hey Tiger, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Clouds of iron gray huddled together in the sky over a small town.


"The" might sound better than "a." Also, starting with the weather? Your second paragraph has a much better hook!

The boy knew that she had fair skin not scarred by knifes of obscured with dirt.


knives or.

trying to find what’s best to steal, no doubt!:


Speech marks at the end.


the lightening


lightning.

Alright.

II. DESCRIPTION

Your descriptions here are lovely, they really are, but I'm not sure they're doing the job for me. You tell us what the woman looked like, what the man looked like, and it's in the past tense. You don't show us how Dragon reacted to them, how the people around them did.

I'm pretty sure you're aware of the whole Show and Tell concept. I want you to show more. I know this is a memory, but still. The heavy descriptions- while great in themselves- just aren't getting you anywhere. Try and find an interesting way to show them to us- does the woman struggle? Does her hair move around? Is her mouth twisted into an expression? See what I mean? There are tons of ways of threading your description into the memory, instead making the memory the description itself, if I'm making sense.

III. OVERALL

What time period is this? I got a little mixed up with that. But other than that, I quite liked your writing here- but the story (or beginning) itself isn't very interesting. As an opening, I'm wondering if you can make it more gripping?

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Wow! Thank you both for your critiques. You've both given me a lot to work with! :)

What time period is this?


This is made in the time period right before the Great Depression (for the U.S.). Should I have put it in Historical Fiction? I wondered if I should, but the time period really doesn't effect the story all too much. Sorry if I got it wrong! :/

Thank you both! I've got a lot of new ideas for the story now! :) Also, before I post the revised version of this, I'm going to try to get all of the story on here first so that way it can make sense. And have an interesting story. I hope. xD

Again thanks! Your critiques were more than just helpful! :)
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

~A Very Potter Musical - Dumbledore




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Hi Tiger! Here to review as requested. ;)

Since these two lovely ladies who posted before me stole all the glory for themselves, I'm left with very little to critique. D:< Even so, there were a few things that I noticed that are review-worthy. ;)

1) Structure of events: I don't like how you describe Dragon briefly in the present and then immediately go backwards in time to the part where he first sees the woman. The way you jump back and forth between past and present events is very muddled and gets confusing. For now, I would suggest that you start your story with Dragon spotting the woman, being entranced by her, etc. And then, instead of having to use past tense to describe events that have happened, you can fast forward in time to the part where he is waiting for her. That way you can stick with present tense speech (i.e. not using phrases like "he had said" or "he had then gone") to keep things clear and simple. I hope that makes sense. :P

2) Again, this involves the whole past/present thing. I noticed that you do this a lot:

She had been escorted by a balding, middle-aged man. He was as unpleasant to look at as she was pretty. The older man had a large pot belly which seemed to put a strain on his fading black suit, and the buttons traveling up the fabric were threatening to pop right off. His lank hair, which was probably a ginger in his prime, was now streaked with gray and looked as dull as his brown eyes.


Notice how you switch from past tense speech to present tense speech in the span of a paragraph? Well, it's not a good thing. ;) I was having trouble deciphering if you were doing a flashback thing or if this was happening in the present. The reader shouldn't have to do that; that is the writer's job to know. Not a big problem to fix, but it's worth pointing out so that you can look out for it in the future. :D

But that's it! Don't worry, there's nothing else for me to lecture you about. ;) I hope I could be of some help.

-Knightley
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga



If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind