Psychosomatic: Prologue

Okay. So this is a prologue of sorts for a different story I've written. I titled this one 'Psychosomatic' for varius reasons, the main being that it means 'all in your head' and it relates to this a little bit. It's a murderish type story and I hope you enjoy it.




Psycho therapy session #5
Three weeks after the murder of ***** ***** and other various cases. Here to evaluate the state of mind of Kyra Elizabeth Brandson.

Name: Kyra Brandson Date: Who cares?
Okay. So you want me to write about my feelings blah blah blah. Crap like that. So let’s see what I can come up with.
I guess the first thing you’d expect me to say is “I’m sorry,”. Or maybe you’d expect me to admit I’m psychopathic. I don’t know. But, sorry is a hard one. Sorry means you feel bad about what you’ve done. Do I? Psychopathic means you don’t feel emotion towards those you harm. You lack empathy. But I’m a competent being and I find it hard to think back to what I’ve done. Not like I’ll admit it out loud. In truth, I’m a coward.
You also want to know why. You keep begging me for answers I’m not willing to give up. “Why did you lie, Kyra?”, “Why did you do it, Kyra?”, “Why won’t you talk anymore, Kyra?”, “Why couldn’t you stop yourself from stabbing him, Kyra?”.
You want to know why? Do you really? Are you sure you’d really listen to me? I’m not, so maybe this will wake you up.
Because I fucking wanted too.

Okay, I actually liked this which surprised me. It's quite typical, psychopathic murderer stereotype but I liked it, it was edgy. I don't have much to add other than the following points;

. You seem to clash personalities a bit, one minute she's writing informally, almost like slang, then she's referring to her "competent mind". I think you should go one way or the other, personally I think the informal thing is working for you.

.The structure is a little bit messy. I think you could almost put the speech in italics, here's an example of how I might do it

Okay. So you want me to write about my feelings blah blah blah. Crap like that.
So let’s see what I can come up with.

I guess the first thing you’d expect me to say is “I’m sorry,”. Or maybe you’d expect me to admit I’m psychopathic. I don’t know. But, sorry is a hard one. Sorry means you feel bad about what you’ve done. Do I? Psychopathic means you don’t feel emotion towards those you harm. You lack empathy. But I’m a competent being and I find it hard to think back to what I’ve done. Not like I’ll admit it out loud. In truth, I’m a coward.
You also want to know why. You keep begging me for answers I’m not willing to give up.

Why did you lie, Kyra?

Why did you do it, Kyra?

Why won’t you talk anymore, Kyra?

Why couldn’t you stop yourself from stabbing him, Kyra?

You want to know why? Do you really? Are you sure you’d really listen to me? I’m not, so maybe this will wake you up.

Because I fucking wanted too.

I think this layout might give the sentences some more impact, just a suggestion though.

.Also you give away about the stabbing and the murder quite quickly, most of the interest in these stories is the element of suspense and mystery. It's almost better to put only very very subtle hints to the actual act of murdering, then you can do a flashback at some point later in the story and reveal everything then. That again is also just a suggestion though.

Okay, this is pretty much all I have to say as it's so short. Look forward to reading more.

Izzy x

Thanks! Everyone who's read this has said "OMG it's great!" But I need crticism. So, yeah. I like your suggestions, and will take them. I know I was kind of spilling it all right there, which is why I *** out the name. But, I still haven't decided if I want this at the begining. The main reason I wanted it, was because I wanted to be up front about what this is about. Although my character isn't psychopathic. She's...well, if you read you'll see. I put a lot of background into this. Also, this is like, the end at the begining, if that makes sense. The first chapter starts before what she's writing about happens. So I guess I should put the date. Huh.

i really liked this because i could totally picture this psychopathic girl kind of contemplating the meaning of 'psychopathic'. It seems like a very mental thing to do, and i thought that the way she talked was creepy, and exciting. i believed all of it.

i would avoid using a teenage-y voice at this part, especially if this is going to be at the end of your story, because if this person starts out as a normal girl, it would show great contrast in her behavior after the murder. Like she has completely changed as a person since the 'accident' as i'll call it. just a suggestion- avoid the blah blah blah and crap like that.

I'm really looking forward to seeing more! It sounds like you've got a great journey planned out for this girl.