Mirrors

You look across your room, through the window and notice a girl staring directly at you. Wherever your eyes go, hers follow. You look at the blank white walls, so does she. You glance at the straight jacket encompassing her frail body and she does the same. You finish looking at the bland padded around her and look to her face. With short black hair and large brown eyes with flecks of green in them, she would be quite pretty if scars didn't run down her cheeks in angry welts like tears. You glare intently at her, determined to her break her stare . For how long you keep her staring, you don't know. All you see are her eyes, struck by the clear depression and the slightly mad glint lurking within them. She blinks and the stare is broken.

Strangely, the girl doesn't struggle to free herself of the straight jacket or wriggle out of the long bands bonding her legs to the soft padded floor. Somehow, you know she stopped banging her back to the ground weeks ago, when she realized no pain, no damage was coming from it; only the whispers of the doctors and the inevitable sweet bliss from the knockout drug.

Well, not always sweet bliss. Occasionally, ghosts visited this girl in the night, screaming of revenge and death. The girl would mentally collapse, begging for mercy for all she has done, unsure of what was real and what was fake.

You look around the room and notice mirrors. Lots of them, wall to wall. Your discovery is unfortunately, interrupted by a click and opening of door embed into the wall. A nurse walks in holding a syringe, the clear liquid dancing along the container. The nurse has a frosty smile on her face, all white teeth and false joy, while deep down, you know all she wants to do is take the pointy tip of the needle and stab it into your gorgeous yet disturbing eyes.

Your eyes are locked onto the girl's again. The nurse stabs the needle clear through the straight jacket and pushes down, the sedative rushing into the girl's veins. You feel a slight pinprick in your arm and gasp. The nurse walks out but not before hitting a little switch. Your eyes and the hazel eyes of the girls begin to droop. Then voices.

"The mirror treatment seems to be working, at least she isn't breaking down and screaming anymore..."

Before you blackout, you realize the girl with the deep hazel eyes and scars across her face, the one wrapped in a straight jacket because of a deranged gleam in her eyes...

That girl is you.

Wow. I really shouldn't be reviewing right now - but I couldn't help it; this was intense, and gripping. And, most importantly, it was fast-paced and mysterious. I liked the use of second person here - for some reason, it seems to work rather well. I liked the tightness of expression, the tense atmosphere, the fight-or-flight kind of tone you maintain throughout. And that was a killer ending! I LOVE it when people can finish off their pieces well.

A few things: I'd recommend breaking up the first great big chunk into two or three littler ones - it's kind of a lot of 'you' senences packed right next to each other for us to digest in one go. And I think the fact that it is a hospital needs to be MUCH clearer from the beginning rather than having it later on in the piece. What I don't understand is that if it is a hospital, why would the girl still be wearing a jacket (I mean, don't they removed their clothes after an accident, or something?), and what on earth is this mirro treatment - I've never heard of a hospital with mirrors all around. However, it's a cool idea, and I'd urge you to expand on it if you continue with the story. I'd also capitalise the line; 'That girl is you.' (And there are some spelling mistakes - but I'm sure you're smart enough to read through and pick them out yourself - they're just little errors from typing too fast, I guessing!).

Okay, in terms of opening, intro, whatever, this is a stunner. As a piece that functions on its own...I would almost say it's a definite win, there, too - but there are the two questions that need to be resolved. What kind of 'hospital' is she in, with her jacket still on, and what's up with the mirrors? So...I think this will make for an AWESOME short story - plan it, work out details, and write the whole thing. And enter it for some kind of contest, if you can.

Keep me updated on how it goes, and PM me if you've got any questions. I really enjoyed this, and cannot wait to read more of your writing!

WOW! I'm head over heels with this. Your story was splendid and I enjoyed, the descriptions were great and the ending very unexpected. I agree with Navita to transition the gig block into two or three paragraphs. Anyways great job Jas and thanks for the read.

Hey, jasmine. KD here to review!

Nitpicks:

jasminebells wrote:You finish looking at the bland padded around her and look to her face.

What? I don't understand. 'The bland padded around her'?

jasminebells wrote:With short black hair and large hazel eyes, she would be quite pretty if scars didn't run in angry welts down her face like tears.

I would say 'With short black hair and large hazel eyes, she would be quite pretty if scars didn't run down her face in angry welts like tears.'

jasminebells wrote:All you see are her eyes, struck by the clear depression and the slightly mad glint lurking within them.

I would take out the 'clear'.

jasminebells wrote:Your discovery is interrrupted by a click and opening of door emmbed into the wall.

Typo/misspelled words.

jasminebells wrote:"The mirorr treatment seems to be working, at least she isn't breaking down and screaming anymore..."

Before you blackout, you realize the girl with the deep hazel eys and scars across her face, the one wrapped in a straight jacket because of a deranged gleam in her eyes....

that girl is you.

I think you can even take this whole part out, and you could just stop at the 'then voices' part. It would make the reader think, instead of you explaining everything in the end.

Overall:

Wow, very creepy. And, very creative! I had to keep reading from the start. Good job!
Keep up the good work-

KD

I agree with everyone else: this is amazing. The second-person really fits, and the descriptions are good. Maybe add a few more about the girl and the setting. Also, how exactly did the girl understand the other girl was her reflection?
And maybe don't mention the mirrors, because that makes the ending almost ovious. Or do it more subtly.
I really like that last line. It's a good way to end, so try to expand the beginning just a little bit so it's more understnadable. What is this mirror treatment? Where exactly is she?
Overall, an awesome story!