Splash of color

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Rayen ambled down a cobble stoned corner. The rain poured down from the gray sky, and soaked her.

She had an umbrella with her, but it was protecting four small bodies walking in front of her, guarding them under a rainbow canopy.

Rayen herded them down the streets the way a sheepdog shepherds a flock of sheep. Her flock was a mix- match bunch of kids.

Two boys and two girls. Both boys had near black hair, and tanned skin, the only difference between them was eye color, one had flaming blue eyes and the other deep black eyes.

The girls were much the same, one had auburn hair and the other brunette, both had ivy green eyes.

A abnormal sight on the streets of Chicago, but that wasn’t the only unusual thing about them.

“Holly, where are they?” Rayen asked the auburn haired girl

“About 250 yards away from us and closing in,” Holly said with her green eyes squinting in concentration

“Silas, Skye, I need you to be ready, if they get us I want you two to run, okay?” Rayen whispered

“I will be ready.” The boy with blue eyes assured Rayen. The brunette nodded as he said that.

“200 yards,” Holly said under her breath

“Jack? Are you ready?” Rayen asked the last child

“I ca… can’t,” Jack stuttered

“Remember what happened last time you said that?” Silas said, “We lost Michael,”

“100 yards, they’re running now,” Holly said. They heard shouts coming closer

“Jack you need to try,” Rayen demanded

“Okay,” Jack said with tears and rain streaming down his face, “Look in my eyes,”
They all stared into his eyes, and then they were gone, the blackness had taken over them.

The umbrella danced in a puddle. The only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!




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Hello there! I'm Tiger here to review! :D

Now, I just want to say that this is very confusing. Extremely, in fact. And I believe this is because you automatically introduce five brand new characters that no one knows. It's very hard for the reader to keep up and if they can't, they might just drop the story.

However your writing is very good. Well, besides the grammatical errors (which I won't point out and insult your intelligence. A quick read through and you'll see them I'm sure.)

Now, on to the story. You automatically introduce the fantasy angle, which I like about this. Though, I'm not sure what's going on. There are so many sort of...powers going on, I suppose. But, overall, I think you have a solid idea.

You leave the reader with a lot of questions, making them want to read more. Be careful though! One of the best pieces of advice I got on here was to make the reader read a little and reward them with some good information. I think you need to put more information in here as well as some more imagery.

So, I suggest you put in more description. For example, you don't describe the five characters you have in enough depth. Not at all. You give us hair and eye color. Not good enough.

Your best sentence was:
The umbrella danced in a puddle. The only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.


Wonderful! Both of them! The words in red were what made this stand out. Your word choice was, by far, the thing that made these two sentences great. Make all your sentences like this! :D

That's all I've got, so I'll summarize.
1. Put in lots of imagery (like above) and describe your characters. :)
2. After that, reward your reader with some info about whats going on. So far, I'm confused and have no idea of what's going on. I have too many questions.
3. If I were you, I wouldn't introduce a huge group of five characters automatically. However, if you must, find a way for the reader to know the character better. I believe describing them each in turn (and using their name!) will help you.
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

~A Very Potter Musical - Dumbledore




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Hi Bandgeek! :D

I thought the premise for a story has been set up really well in this piece. I'm intrigued as to what powers your character Jack might have and I'm interested to find out what it was he seemed so scared of. I thought that the dialogue in this piece was really great. It seemed very dynamic and natural and it hinted nicely at the relationships between the characters. What you have written is good but I'd like to know more, I think some further information about the setting, characters and plot would not have gone amiss.

I look forward to reading the next installment ;)
OisinBebe




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Thanks you two! I now have a new version so please comment on that, not this anymore. Thanks!
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare