footsteps or footprints

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Other
Points 32184
Reviews 153
Ari has beautiful hair, her mother says, like copper and gold, like a lion’s mane, and sometimes she looks wistful and runs her pale hand over it. When Ari dreams, she is a lion, lazily coiled upon the warm ground as the sun sets in an apotheosis of saffron and carmine, and she rises and walks into the light as her shadows stretch into negative infinity.

Ari wants to know where she came from. When she looks at herself she sees a girl taller than any other she knows, and she sees strong shoulders, and the strange shape of her face and eyes. Her mother smiles and says she was born out of the desert wind, and does not understand that Ari just wants to know where her father is. She has gone through the attic and through the rooms, through the photo albums and the bookshelves. All she finds are yellowed pages all scribbled over, sweet words whose taste must have faded long ago, and she thinks she can smell the sun and feel grains of sand under her fingers.

Sometimes in her dreams it is not sunset but noon, the sun harsh and impartial glaring down from the clear blue sky. Even then when she walks there is black pooling under her paws, shifting with her every movement, and the birds overhead seem weighted down by their shadow, crisp and clear-cut on the ochre of the sand. On those days (on those nights, rather) she looks to the horizon, endless and flat, and starts walking. There is something calling to her, and she goes looking for it.

Sometimes Ari thinks she may well be a lion. What she knows is that she does not always feel like the other children. When they play after classes they invite her, and magnanimously she accepts, joins them and, invariably, wins. When she looks at them, when she sweeps the dark amber of her eyes over their faces, she sees the awe and the bright smiles, and she turns her back to them, because they are strangers and she fears they would shackle her down in their own little world.

Once also, she remembers, she was at the beach. There was the crinkle of the sand under her bare feet, and the murmurs of the breaking waves, which told her stories in a language she did not speak. And when she turned from the horizon and the setting sun, for a fleeting moment she thought there were pawprints inscribed in the sand, leading to her. Then she blinked and there was nothing but the breeze, the sand, and the insistent, thrumming loneliness of being only human.

Ari at times is too much like a lion. She roars and does not walk so much as stalks and hurts people before they can hurt her. Once she told her mother she hated her and meant it, and she ran away from home and raged against the sky and the wind, a little girl with wild hair and empty hands and nowhere to go. When she snuck back home she found her mother slumped in a chair, tears at the corner of her eyes and old letters between her fingers. Ari said sorry then, very softly, and kissed her mother’s brow gently so she would not wake her, and she meant that too.

But Ari is searching for something, or maybe someone, and she is tired of winning and not knowing anything. She thinks maybe she’s looking for herself, except she already knows all about that. She looks to the south, where it is warm, and she looks to the west, where the sun sets, and there is nothing and no one. Sometimes her mother joins her, and sets her hand on Ari’s shoulder, and they wait together, for something that may never come.

One day Ari decides to stop dreaming. There is life waiting for its turn, and she can see the lines creased in her mother’s face. From her Ari learns the price of waiting and the price of hope – it is high and it is heavy, but surely it must be worth it to her. It has to be, or there is something wrong with the world, that it would let people suffer so.

Yet Ari grows up, and Ari is not her mother, and Ari just – lets go.

On that night there is a lion before her, and his shadow flickers to join her own, and when he moves to face her she sees the glitter of dark eyes. His mane is a tapestry of tarnished bronze, spun of golden threads and embroidered with silver, and the desert wind lovingly runs its hands through it. He is strong and tall, and as the sun sets somewhere far, far way she realizes she loves him, and that she hates him also. Ari purrs, low in her throat, and comes to rest her head on his large shoulders, breathing in his scent – sunlight and sand, like memories and old paper, longing and despair all mixed together. Then she steps back and turns away, and leaves. She does not look back.

When she wakes she sees her mother’s frail smile, her tired arms and her clear eyes, and Ari finally, finally goes home.
Lumi: they stand no chance against the JAG SAFETY BLANKET




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 62375
Reviews 315
To be totally honest, Jagged, I did not enjoy this. Main reason was because it read like a long character description, a 'story-of-her-life' kind of piece as opposed to a snapshot-in-time short story, that subtly reveals things to us about life overall. Ari comes across as shallow; you branch out sideways with the metaphor of the lion, but it seems like you're doing this just for the sake of doing it, instead of actually associating any particular meaning to it. Plus human=animal metaphor was not particularly inventive, either. If you want to still keep it as a character description, do it as a poem instead, with parts - I, II, III, IX etc. - because at the moment, the paragraphs are disjointed in the sense that they don't all convey the same story - different facets to the description, more like. If you still want to wring a story out of this, pick any one of the instances of when she seemed like a lion, and really expand on this - make us see it, make us feel it, rather than just setting it out on a platter for us. It seems like too many 'little things' that make Ari like a lion pushed together - like a brainstorm of every possible way she could be like that - the metaphor was overdone, and underdone simulatneously; too many sideways examples and no in-depth development. I don't like Ari. And I can see she is the polar opposite of the 'girl with the tattoo blue over her shoulder'. :D

Para One

Ari has beautiful hair, her mother says, like copper and gold, like a lion’s mane, and sometimes she looks wistful and runs her pale hand over it.


First line is not arresting - never begin with an exposition on appearance; it comes across as shallow, and makes the character seem shallow, since that's the first thing you point out to us. Sure, slip it in, but be subtle about it. Devoting an entire paragraph to it is not particularly interesting - you don't just have one para of 'description,' another of 'reflection,' another of 'memory,' another of 'setting,' another of 'time', and another of 'dialogue' or 'theme' - in a story, it's all about putting them all together, weaving them in tightly with each other.

The rest of this para would do better in a poem than a description in a story.

Para 2

Ari wants to know where she came from.


This is not an essay. The way you open the paragraph is like you 'opening statement' upon which you're going to give 'further explanation' later on - it might work in debating, but not in storytelling. Show, don't tell us. And even though you've told us so much about her, I still don't feel as though I know Ari, as though I identify with her. I could picture an entire story coming out of just the one para of facts squished together - how she steals into the attic to find about her past - and it would make such a lovely poem. The flowery description would be perfect in a poem, but just seems shallow and lacking in the ontext of the story. I want more action, more dialogue, more interaction.

Para 3

This is a reflective paragraph. The thing is - all of the paras are interesting by themselves, but when put together make a rather straightforward character-description that just doesn't funtion well as a story. I want to know who and what and why and where and when, and all the rest of it - I want something exact and precise to cling on to - not a series of little events that happened, but just one of them, and why it was significant.

Para 4

The lion metaphor is not working well - it's not tight and solid; seems like a shallower layer over the character - it's better to describe something happening in the moment (like you did in deus ex machina) as opposed to way-back-when.' Don't just plonk a snapshot for the sake of the metaphor - ask: what does it mean to the READER?

Para 5

Same again - metaphor is too sideways and not-enough-in-depth.

Para 6

Actually means very little to me. And reads like an essay again. You can do better than cliche examples.

Para 7, 8, 9

Too much like a life story. Too much info too quickly.

Para 10/11

What was the point to the ending, other than to finish off a character description fitting for a novel? :P


Have a serious think about this one. If you don't want to do anything with it, I'd recommend writing a novel, using this as a starting point - a clear character description. I'd love to know what relationships Ari has with her friends; I'd love to watch her life unfold and be told from different angles - her mother, a sibling, a lover etc - but this seems like too much description for a simple short story. Pick one incident and expand on it from a short story point of view. And pick a few paragraphs, here and there, and fashion them into poems - they will read beautifully well. :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
Hey, Jagged. I have to disagree with Navita; I liked this - a lot. I do agree with her, however, that you might reconsider your form. As a short story, I don't think you do Ari justice. I'm really intrigued by this character you've introduced, with her strange, lion-like ways (your descriptions are gorgeous, by the way), and at the end I found myself wanting to hear more about her. I think I was especially impressed because you managed to do so beautifully without dialogue, which I normally have a hard time wading through. The ending seemed a bit abrupt - like there was an important shift in Ari, but we never quite got to see how it happened.

So yes! Consider either expanding this short story into a longer piece (even if it's not novel-length, a longer short story would serve you better, I think), or maybe into poems. My only concern with changing it into a poem would be that you would lose your lovely, flowing prose.

Thanks for sharing! I really liked this. :)
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie



The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians