The Devil's Gambit (Excerpt)

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Honestly I'm iffy about this scene, which is why I'm not posting the actual beginning and am posting the middle.

Genre: Paranormal/Romance

Rated for language and the MC.

-START-

“I’m a liar, a bitch and nobody all at once. Now you know. So go away. Leave me alone. Shoo.” My voice is muffled but I’m sure he understands what I just said.

“You’re not a nobody yet. You can fix it,” he says. There’s a smile playing on his lips.

“Pfft. Yeah, by building a fucking airship and staying in the sky for the rest of my life amen.”

“How much are you willing to give up to get your life back?”

The moon is huge tonight, mocking me, laughing at my misery. What’s the price of happiness? “Everything. You don’t know how much I had to go through to get to where I was.”

“Are you sure? Everything is an awful lot to give up, Emmanuelle.”

How does he know my name? It doesn’t matter. “Don’t try me.” I can hear him breathing near me and it sends an electric chill down my spine. The silence is becoming painful. “You can’t help me. No one can. Not this far into the game.”

“Watch me.”

I snort and give him my most vicious glare. “Quit playing around. I’m not a moron, you know that. You’re a perv, we both know that one.” God, then why am I still here? “So leave me alone before I decide to scream rape while running away from you.”

His lips quirk into a smile. “I want your soul.”

What? That has to be the stupidest, cheesiest, most godawful pickup line I’ve ever –

“Literally.”

Oh. Okay. That’s…new. Creepy, in fact. I raise an eyebrow. “You high or something?”

He laughs and I swear the breeze disappears and the crickets quiet down. But I can’t help it – I laugh along with him. Great, just great. Now the creep will think I’m in the mood for some flirting.

“Okay, I admit. That didn’t come out too well. Let me rephrase myself. I’m willing to help you if you’re willing to enter a bet.”

And he actually looks serious. As if he means it. “What kind of bet? And remember, I can still scream my lungs out if you start fucking around.”

“Noted. But do you sincerely think everyone in the world wants to bed you?” He raises an eyebrow.

I wave the question away. “Five seconds before I start screaming, creep. Five, four –“

“I’ll give you all the money you want.” He pauses and my eyes narrow. “But you have to prove it buys happiness. If you can’t, then I win your soul.”

“You’re joking. I don’t believe you.’ And I inhale, getting ready for one of the biggest lies of my life. I mean, I’m screwed anyway. Getting caught screaming rape won’t do any harm to what little reputation I have left.

“Allow me to prove it then.” He reaches for my face and I shrink away, but he still manages to pull something from near my ear. A credit card. What kind of sick joke is this? Am I being humiliated on national television or something?

My hand lashes out and the slap lands squarely on his cheek. His cheek reddens almost immediately and I can’t help but feel sorry but I’ll be damned if I let him know I feel sorry.

Be still, my heart. You’re too loud and you’re drowning out everything.

There, on his cheek, is a handprint, clear as day and red as blood. My handprint.

“My offer still stands, Emmanuelle.”
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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Hello Kara.

“I’m a liar, a bitch and nobody all at once. Now you know. So go away. Leave me alone. Shoo.” My voice is muffled but I’m sure he understands what I just said.

“You’re not a nobody yet. You can fix it,” he says. There’s a smile playing on his lips.

“Pfft. Yeah, by building a fucking airship and staying in the sky for the rest of my life amen.”

“How much are you willing to give up to get your life back?”


For here, I suggest you use name tags and assign them with specific character actions that shows who they are as a person. The impression I got so far is that one of them is rather bitchy while the other has a rather cool demeanor and is trying to help the MC in some way. You should try to make this more evident.

The moon is huge tonight, mocking me, laughing at my misery. What’s the price of happiness? “Everything. You don’t know how much I had to go through to get to where I was.”


I think this metaphor's kind of weak, because the moon doesn't really do besides just hanging high in the sky and looking pretty. Giving something that's passive an active action doesn't really work in my opinion.

“Quit playing around. I’m not a moron, you know that. You’re a perv, we both know that one.” God, then why am I still here? “So leave me alone before I decide to scream rape while running away from you.”


If the devil is a perv, then show it more. Does he try to sweet talk the girl into showing some of her boobs? Does she spy on the girl while she's showering? Whatever followed before this doesn't suggest that.

Overall:

I think on the whole, this works well enough as a first draft. I mean, you have the bones there. Now to take this further.

Firstly, where is this taking place? I know it's outdoors, but where? Did the devil took the girl out secretly into the guardian during a teenage party? Is this in some graveyard? Setting is important as it helps add more meaning to this piece. From my feelings on this, I felt this piece fitted more with the first setting as the devil really seems like he wants to prove the girl wrong through tempting bets.

Secondly, what did you want the reader to get out of this? All I know is that some deal is being made...so what? There's like no driving force or theme in this. I'm pretty sure the devil isn't doing this willy nilly; he has a agenda on his mind (which is to use temptation and a sort of test to seek amusement and power as the girl struggles with her task). And I'm sure that this hot shot girl could do with some enlightenment (that's what the devil is here for no?) Therefore, you have show more of what she does that makes her a victim of the devil's test. Does she sleep with a lot of guys that she thinks' hot? Is she a rebel? Is she ignorant of how difficult life is? Characterize her! She doesn't have much going on except that she's a total queen bee. This also goes with the devil. All he has done so far is just talking and trying to make her fall for his trap, but we don't really see his motives and reasons for this.

Thirdly, I think your descriptions are pretty much over the place. Some of it works, like the electric chill one and national television. That does well in showing her to be a typical teen that is far too obsessed with her cellphone, computer, Ipod etc. Others, like the moon and 'the silence is painful' are kinda like thrown there. (In fact, this piece hardly had any description at all). You also tend to focus too much on mundane details rather than details which show more of the bigger picture. Do be careful.

I'm a big fan of moral themed stories like Cardcaptor Sakura, Harry Potter etc, but I think this needs work. Take a look at those examples. What is the driving force behind them? What does the MC lack that one feels that he/she has a right to test the MC on?

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Hey there Kara I just figured I would creep on ya! *teehee*

So, a few nitpicks.

I’m a liar, a bitch and nobody all at once.


This chunk of dialogue…it seems a bit stiff. I cant be certain, but this might be because of where you brought us into this excerpt.

Yeah, by building a fucking airship and staying in the sky for the rest of my life amen.


Amen? This is an interjection and deserves to be set of with a comma. Also, I’m not totally sure here, but Amen, I think, needs to be capitalized.


Okay, Kara, this all seems really quick and I’m a bit lost without some sort of description. Are they sitting or standing? Is it night or day?
This is so very bare. You have the bones and the muscles and all the icky stuff that we cover up with skin…but you’re sort of missing the skin in places. You need to give them a driving reason. Why is she going to/or not, take his offer? Hell, why is he offering? There is so much missing to make it seem realistic.

Another issue I did have is with the dialogue. I’m not totally sure what comes before this, maybe there is more dialogue but this might have been just a bad jump in spot. Because, from here, it seems very out of the blue, jerky, and out of place. Like, why would she be divulging this to a stranger?

Still, the idea of a story with some sort of morals…well, it’s something I don’t see very often any more. So this could definitely be cool to follow.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.



Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman