A once perfect summer Prolouge + Chapter 1

Prolouge


I remember once lying on a sun-drenched hillside covered with twisted Gum trees and beautiful little white and yellow flowers, watching the immaculately blue river that filled my heart with so many memories from the past. The water looked like a million stars had fallen into it, it was shinning so brightly. The colour was a pale blue with a few birds swooping down hunting for their food.

The memories were flowing through my head, like water rushing out of an overfilled storm drain after a huge rain storm. These memories were so sad they hurt. At this point I could not stop thinking about if I could have done anything more that night. It was eating me up inside, like a hungry dog about to eat its first meal of the week. It’s hard to believe that only two months ago it was so wonderfully different.

The waves were crashing up against the rugged sharp rocks. I was walking along the path next to Ray. Ray was the most adventurous person I have ever met. He is only seventeen and has travelled all around the world been bungie jumping, sky diving and abseiling.

As we were walking along past the sharp rocks Ray decided he would take off his lime green trainers that had a hole right in the bottom of them, no matter how many times I told him to get a new pair, he always said they were lucky.

He gave them to me with a grin and said, “Look after these for me, they’re my favourites.”

I wondered what the hell he was doing, in the back of my mind I thought that he was going to jump off the side of the cliff for some insane stunt.
Little did I know that then and there nothing was ever going to be the same.


Chapter one


My name is Sky and I’m seventeen, I have long wavy brown hair that never sits straight, and pale skin that never wants to tan accompanied with dark blue eyes. Up until last year my life was ordinary, I went to school just like any other teenager, had stupid crushes on guys and worked a part time job, not that I don’t still do these things but up until the day I met Ray I had never done anything crazy or spontaneous. I tried to be everybody’s version of perfect. Pleasing my parents my friends and my teachers it was exhausting, and all the while never feeling like I fitted in. The day I met Ray it was like a breath of fresh air one I just couldn’t breathe in quick enough.

I was running late. I couldn’t believe that I had slept through my alarm. Ally was going to kill me. Rolling out of bed I quickly started throwing on clothes that were scattered around my room, with a quick look in my mirror I knew that it was going to be one of those days. My hair was utterly impossible, I quickly threw it up into a bun, grabbed the assignment that had kept me up most of the night, while racing out the front door.

I was pounding down the street, sucking in painful amounts of air hoping that I had not missed the bus, while trying to stuff the assignment into my bag, with limited success. Turning the corner just in time to see the bus pull away from the corner and drive off down the street.

“ Crap” It just wasn’t my day today. “What the hell am I suppose to do now?” I yell at no one in particular, while desperately trying to find out a way to get to school in ten minutes on my own two feet.

“I could always give you a ride if you want, that is of course if you’re not chicken!” A voice from behind me announces.

Turning around, I see a guy who looks just plain hot, with curly golden hair, deep brown eyes and dark russet skin, is grinning up at me from his beat up old car. That looks like it will fall apart, at any time. Asking me if I wanted a lift to school.

“ I’m Raymond, but you can call me Ray. Hop in, I’ll take you to school and you can show me around. I’m new to these parts, and it certainly wouldn’t hurt, having a pretty thing like you showing me around. I would have a good reputation on the first day.” he laughs while looking up at me through his dark lashes.

I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there like a freak, wondering what I did, to deserve this kind of punishment. It’s not like I do anything bad. I follow all of the rules, do everything perfectly and yet here I am, getting harassed by this egomaniac jerk who thinks that I am just going to get into his car. He is insane.

Comments and such in red. ^^

Prolouge



I remember (You start off in present tense here...) once lying on a sun-drenched hillside covered with twisted Gum trees and beautiful little white and yellow flowers, watching the immaculately blue river that filled my heart with so many memories from the past. The water looked like a million stars had fallen into it, it was shinning so brightly. The colour was a pale blue with a few birds swooping down hunting for their food.



The memories were (...Then change to past tense. I suggest sticking to one tense.) flowing through my head, like water rushing out of an overfilled storm drain after a huge rain storm. These memories were so sad they hurt. At this point I could not stop thinking about if I could have done anything more that night. It was eating me up inside, like a hungry dog about to eat its first meal of the week. It’s hard to believe that only two months ago it was so wonderfully different.

The waves were (This is passive. It doesn't immerse you into the story as well as an active voice does.) crashing up against the rugged sharp rocks. I was (Passive again.) walking along the path next to Ray. Ray was the most adventurous person I have ever met. He is (again, switching tenses) only seventeen and has travelled all around the world been bungie jumping, sky diving and abseiling.

As we were walking along past the sharp rocks Ray decided he would take off his lime green trainers that had a hole right in the bottom of them, no matter how many times I told him to get a new pair, he always said they were lucky.

He gave them to me with a grin and said, “Look after these for me, they’re my favourites.”

I wondered what the hell he was doing. In the back of my mind I thought that he was going to jump off the side of the cliff for some insane stunt.

Little did I know that then and there nothing was ever going to be the same.



Chapter one



My name is Sky and I’m seventeen, I have long wavy brown hair that never sits straight, and pale skin that never wants to tan accompanied with dark blue eyes. Up until last year my life was ordinary, I went to school just like any other teenager, had stupid crushes on guys and worked a part time job, not that I don’t still do these things but up until the day I met Ray I had never done anything crazy or spontaneous. I tried to be everybody’s version of perfect. Pleasing my parents my friends and my teachers it was exhausting, and all the while never feeling like I fitted in. The day I met Ray it was like a breath of fresh air one I just couldn’t breathe in quick enough. Eh, not a fan of this beginning paragraph. It's a lot of showing vs telling, we also don't really need to know what the character looks like at this point. Try to weave in your descriptions.

I was (This is still passive. I notice you do this quite often.) running late. I couldn’t believe that I had slept through my alarm. Ally was going to kill me. Rolling out of bed I quickly started throwing on clothes that were scattered around my room, with a quick look in my mirror I knew that it was going to be one of those days. My hair was utterly impossible, I quickly threw it up into a bun, grabbed the assignment that had kept me up most of the night, while racing out the front door.

I was pounding (I would change this to "I pounded down the street") down the street, sucking in painful amounts of air hoping that I had not missed the bus, while trying to stuff the assignment into my bag, with limited success. Turning the corner just in time to see the bus pull away from the corner and drive off down the street.

“ Crap” It just wasn’t my day today. “What the hell am I suppose to do now?” I yell (You switch to present tense here.) at no one in particular, while desperately trying to find out a way to get to school in ten minutes on my own two feet.

“I could always give you a ride if you want, that is of course if you’re not chicken!” A voice from behind me announces.

Turning around, I see a guy who looks just plain hot, with curly golden hair, deep brown eyes and dark russet skin, is grinning up at me from his beat up old car. That looks like it will fall apart, at any time. Asking me if I wanted a lift to school.

“ I’m Raymond, but you can call me Ray. Hop in, I’ll take you to school and you can show me around. I’m new to these parts, and it certainly wouldn’t hurt, having a pretty thing like you showing me around. I would have a good reputation on the first day.” he laughs while looking up at me through his dark lashes.

I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there like a freak, wondering what I did, to deserve this kind of punishment. It’s not like I do anything bad. I follow all of the rules, do everything perfectly and yet here I am, getting harassed by this egomaniac jerk who thinks that I am just going to get into his car. He is insane.

You switch tenses a lot in here. Try to stick to one, it gives it a better flow. Also, try to stick to an active voice. All in all, it's just some minor stuff for the most part, and these things can take a while to develop fully.

Hey,

My main problem is that I'm attacked by Ray from all sides. Ray's a force of nature, Ray's everywhere. He's in the prologue, he appears just at the start of the book. That second would be fine, since Ray's an important character and deserves his spotlight - if the prologue was deleted (and wait, wait, first paragraph: Ray appears in third sentence, dissapears in fourth, reappears in sixth a bit randomly and then appears below).

I kinda have mixed feelings about that prologue. There's a problem of introductions, because it kinda ruins Ray later on - he's already physically there, what for when in Chap 1 the MC hadn't yet met him? This is what I mean by the attack - he's everywhere in this post. And I'd do without him and that problem.

So there's an introduction of a character problem, but also I can't really put my finger on what was to be conveyed apart from spoiling the plot - I mean, is it something that won't happen, won't become clear in the narrative later on? Does its message, its words justify its existence? I really think nothing bad would happen if it were simply cut. I get the feeling that what is said in it will ultimately become clear in that book, making the prologue obsolete, useless.

I'm not sure if I liked Sky's intro, either. The Chap 1 intro. It wasn't terribly captivating, that first paragraph - basically a short bio. Contained nice word sets (hair never sitting straight) but in the end was a dry bio, wasn't even supported by a unique character voice that would make something of this. I have the feeling that there were things about the character which you wanted to tell te reader, and so go ahead with it you did. Chose the easy way out, a short-cut so very unsatisying for the reader (going further: an info dump?).

Things like "breath of fresh air" I liked especially - very nice note (although the philosophical river was kinda ruined by being blatantly called blue in the next sentence. Intentional? that'd be a character quirk that would have to be explored ). Anyway, as I was saying, such phrases give off a a dreamy (philosophy of existence would be going to far...) atmosphere, character that the MC might be. So I'd definitely keep these, explore this, and applaud this. Yeah.

Little things can make a superb character personality which is especially important in first-person POV. Reading a book isn't the same as reading a court protocol - there's supposed to be life in it! So we expect real people and corresponding, matching to the desplayed character world-view (so, say, a person who's dreamy, hadn't ever done anything crazy or spontaneous could get away with "breath of fresh air" and the reader would welcome it. Now enforce this a bit more, and remember to keep doing so

From a totally different barrel, the story contains some dialogue, which is cool - dialogue can characterize, too, apart from moving the plot forward in a different way. It's sneaky (a reader reacts so totally different to people who, say, hiss, sneer than to one who whispers quietly or yells) but so cool. And because of all that, it has to have proper packaging. Even the best lines have to have proper dialogue punctuation or else threaten to just fail. Demeter wrote a fantastic article on the subject: topic44898.html

More on characterization: sometimes it's better to show the reader sthing rather than tell her it. "I follow all the rules" - give us something that would illustrate this, and let the reader come to her own conclusions. Infinetly better, more satisfying, gives so much points on characterization. Expands and uses up more words, too :p

He's a jerk, that's clear through what he says. Leave it at that? Stop telling us that the jek he is - show us a reaction. WOuld she stop and gape? Or look down at the pavement and pretend not to hear him? What else? Of course, keep some thoughts, sure, but consider that other reaction aspect too (outward body-language rather than only thinking, sthing that would be a reaction to an action - stuff that would either directly or better, indirectly indicate emotions and feelings).


Thanks for posting,
Esme