Life, worth the risk?

This is for a comp, in my group, The Insane Writers.

The warmth beckoned, almost like an outstretched hand of a loved one, silently giving aid, nurturing a desire to want, to need. Yet here I was, stuck, a chest-crushing weight on my body not allowing me move, not the slightest. Indecision reigned, should I try to escape this pressure? Reach an extremity up, hoping it would even just brush against the oh-so delightful heat-like presence I could sense above me? Or maybe I should wait, bide my time, strike out when this heaviness was gone.
But by then, maybe the warmth would dissipate, fall into a million shattering pieces, leaving me no future, but a husk of what I should be. I would never be sure if this source of warmth would still be there the next day. There was no assurance, I was alone. Dare I risk it?
In this hesitation of mine, a fuzziness crept over me, the warmth taking control. I needed to get it. Had to. It would a take a while, but I would get there. I couldn’t wait; the need was completely overcoming all logic. I wanted to burst forth, inhale that fresh air, and feel the tingly sensation of rays on my body.
Slowly, cautious, I probed forward. Slowly, joyfully, I grew closer.
Until, finally, the burden was gone. I was free.
The air, so fresh, so odd, yet so welcome, like a magnificent rainbow stretched over dry barren wasteland. The warmth, it was indescribable, almost painful with the giddy joy it granted me. I needed all I could get. I stretched out and sucked in the wonderful rays of heat and light. Oh, it was a tremendous feeling. The risk had been worth it.
The freedom was exhilarating, and I found myself addicted. I reached out more to get another rush. If I tried just a little bit, I would… With the radiance guiding me onwards, I put my last bit of energy into it.
Ahh, at last, complete and utter freedom. I was no longer bind to that load; it had been completely stripped off, underfoot now. This was life. This was living.
I could feel everything. Soon I would be able to move even more.
A bolt of strangeness shot through my body. What was that? Something wasn’t right, I surveyed my surroundings. What I saw shocked me. Strange big odd shaped prisms, with holes and moving things inside them. I had never seen such a weird sight.
They were wrong.
Nothing about them felt right.
A sense of panic crept through me. I could lie low, hide, so maybe the moving things wouldn’t notice me. I crouched as much as I could, hiding my face from any view. Perhaps, they would leave me alone. They didn’t. I could feel the ground shaking. They were approaching. Oh, god.
The ground trembled beneath them. They were so close the wind hit them and didn’t touch me. Was this it? Was I finally allowed a taste of freedom only to be squashed here? I felt helpless. I could do nothing to stop whatever these things were, I was hardly strong enough.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
They were here. Maybe I should pray. I should take in one final feel of the warmth which I still so craved. I lifted my face and closed my eyes. Something closed around my head, the pressure gripping with such intensity I would almost explode.
Then they pulled. I knew what was happening. My head would soon no longer be attached to my body. Thankfully, it was quick. Painless. My world went black. But before that I remember one thing. A sound, loud and deep. So strong, that even in death I cowered from this cruel being.
As my life disappeared, the warmth waved farewell. Joy seeped into my heart. Even though I had but minutes of life. It had been worth it.

“Mummy, mummy, look! I got a pretty flower for you.”

I liked this! For a moment, I thought that it should belong in fantasy fiction, but I love the original way of telling this story. Great job!

Thank you.

Wow! This is really awesome!
I took me about three reads to actually understand it though O_o The first time I was in a bad mood and kinda wasn't reading properly... ^^" I think I'm just slow, most people would get it the first time and re-read it to get the twist and re-read for the hints that you put throughout.

I love the way that the twist is so unexpected - it's disorientating, but in a good way!
Well done!!

[/overuse of exclamation marks]

Haha, thanks.

And its fine, , when I get in a bad mood I don't understand anything at all. And thank you again.

Hey there Light Devil!

I thought this was very good and I love the mystery the voice is given because it's original and quite poetic, which I have to say I enjoyed. I think your strongest point would have to be your ending, because it's so crisp and kind of wraps up the story quite beautifully.

However, I do think, like most works, that there is room for improvement. Sometimes I felt the sentences you'd constructed were a bit too wordy. For example at the start of your piece, you describe things in segments which are chopped up by a heavy-handed use of commas and I personally believe that the sentences would read better had you chopped them into short, simple sentences for impact or perhaps just constructed them in a way to minimalise your use of commas.

Content wise, this was very individual and I enjoyed it quite a lot, I hope this helps and good luck in the competition. Keep writing,
Ben

First off, I'm amazed at how quickly you came up with a story as soon as I told you about my contest. Anyway, as far as the content of your tale goes.

The ground trembled beneath them. They were so close the wind hit them and didn’t touch me. Was this it? Was I finally allowed a taste of freedom only to be squashed here? I felt helpless. I could do nothing to stop whatever these things were, I was hardly strong enough.

That is not a word that I would use to describe just how utterly the flower is to death. Something like, "ground to dust" which would require that you omit "here". Or something such as, "entombed from where I left" "demolished" (I know it's a bit silly in this situation) "obliterated" "vanquished" or whatever sounds extremely brutal to a flower.

Now, I'm not going to be judging anybody in my contests based solely on grammar. But I will expect to see that they at least tried their very best to not venture into the grounds of hieroglyphics.

Over all Azrael, I found your piece nicely written. But like Ben pointed out, there is an over-population of commas. Is earth Day their breeding season? Anyway, with my strange humor aside, I can see that you are a tough competitor in this contest.

The twist at the end of the story was a shocking revelation, even when I knew through your clues that the protagonist was indeed a plant. But a flower, that is something I did not see coming, and the fact that it dies. Oh my, and at the hands of a child? It truly made for a cute, in a chilly sense, climatic ending.

-Nice job.

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