Boys Next Door Chapter One

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*********************

Chapter One

"Josey, don't you worry." Cassadee Pope's voice blared. I sat up with a jolt and slammed it off. The alarm clock with the picture of the members Hey Monday on it flew off the table and crashed to the ground. With a sigh I flipped the covers off and stood up on the cold wood floors. It's the first day of summer vacation but I'm still getting up at six in the morning.

I was about to put on my usual outfit when I remembered what I was trying to achieve. With a sigh I slid on the clothes I forced my dad to buy me over top of my also new bathing suit. Someone banged on the door. Knowing exactly who it was I flung it open and walked out. But of course Tyler didn't move so I slammed right into him. I was actually happy to see him but I didn't show it. Him and his brother Mike lived next door. They were my older brother Josh's friends and not mine so I had no excuse to see them. Tyler was my age so we were friends but we didn't share a single class this year. And Mike was a year older so I didn't have classes with him either. And since Josh went to college I didn't see them at all. But now Josh was back from college.

Tyler shoved a piece of pop-tart in my mouth and then put a piece in his own "Ready to work?" He asked. I shrugged "I guess I am." I worked at his parents boating/wakeboarding Marina during the summer with Tyler, Mike, Josh, and Adam. Tyler's eyebrows furrowed and as he shoved another piece of pop-tart into my mouth he asked "What the heck are you wearing?" Then remembrance flashed over his face. "Oh yeah, you're trying to get with Mike." I slapped my hand over his mouth just as he put another piece of the pop-tart in "Tell the whole world why don't you!" He shoved pop-tart through my closed lips and jerked his head away "I shall if I want to."

We shared his pop-tarts as we walked to the Marina. "Where is Mike by the way?" I asked as I broke off a piece of the pop-tart. Through a mouth full of crumby strawberry he said "He left before I woke up." I rose my eyebrows and said "So he left like fifteen minutes ago?" Tyler shrugged and stuffed more pop-tart in his mouth "Probably." He threw the silver wrapper behind him as we climbed the wooden stairs to the office.

When he pushed open the door his mother was glaring at him. With a groan he turned back around to pick up the wrapper. This time he threw it in the black trashcan next to the office door. "What do we have?" His mother checked the chart and said "Cara, you're on gas. Tyler, you're at the boating area with Mike." Tyler ruffled my hair and said "Alright, lets get to work." He quickly walked out the door and disappeared.

I glanced at Mrs.Malone and said "Well?" She glanced up from her laptop and said "What?" "Notice anything different?" I asked. She looked me over and quizzically said "New look?" With a grin I nodded "Yup." She glanced me over again and said "Just don't distract the boys or I'll make it a rule for to go back to wearing Tyler's outgrown shorts and football jersey." I rolled my eyes and headed to the dock.

Halfway into the day very few people had come even though it was the busy season. Pretty soon we would all be off, which is when the people came, and we'd be on the water wakeboarding to try to draw in customers. Mike and Tyler sped towards the dock. I didn't know who was driving since they looked exactly the same except for the fact that Tyler wears the puka shell necklace I gave him three years ago from when I went on vacation. He's worn it ever since then.

Adam and Josh were in the back shouting over top of the music blasting so loud the speakers could have broken. They pulled up. It was Tyler driving. They all jumped onto the dock and came over. I hoped that my short shorts and tight yellow tank top that ended at my bellybutton worked. When I saw the expression on Mike and Adam's faces I knew it had. Tyler came up and we did our handshake. High Five, handshake, handshake upside down, elbow touches, high tens, fist bump, spit in hand, shake again. We'd done that since we were little, always adding things in it randomly. "On that note," Tyler said "It's about time to add to it."

Mike pretended to cough "Freaks." Tyler pretend coughed right back "Friendless loser." Then everyone staring fake coughing. After about a minute I shouted annoyed "Oh my god! What is wrong with you all!?" Mike grabbed me, his hands on my stomach "Apologies Cara." He wrapped his warm hand around my neck caressing it teasingly and when I pushed him away he said in a vampire voice "I'm vam so sorry. Vut I van't help vyself. Mwahahaha." He always used that stupid fake vampire accent ever since I became obsessed with Dracula in middle school. If I didn't know better I would've thought he was flirting, but I knew better.

Josh looked at use disgusted "Dude, hands off of my little sister." I felt myself scowl. Why did he have to go and call me that? When he said it Mike immediately let me go. Tyler frowned at me when he noticed my scowl but said "You guys ready to go wakeboard!?" "Yeah!" they all shouted.
Last edited by fictionfanatic on Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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I liked this, it was original and interesting. It looks like it might be love triangle between Mikey, Tyler and Cara being in the middle. Or at least that how it looks so far to me. Anyway its a solid beginning with a few mistakes- so I suggest you reread over this and fix them. Please PM when you add the next chapter! Thank you for the read.
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Thanks for the review. And I'll fix what I find.
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Hey, This was really good, interestin, funny, really original, nothing that I read before. You had some mistakes so I suggest that you re-read it. But otherwives it was great. I'll be reading the next chapter now:)

Ikafe :wink:
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You're off to a great start! I just have several things I'd like to offer pointers on. I've only reviewed part of your work, but if you like what I've offered, you can PM me if you would like me to review the rest of this chapter. Good Luck!

"Josey, don't you worry." Cassadee Pope's voice blared. I sat up with a jolt and slammed it off. The alarm clock with the picture of the members Hey Monday on it flew off the table and crashed to the ground. With a sigh I flipped the covers off and stood up on the cold wood floors. It's the first day of summer vacation but I'm still getting up at six in the morning.

I recommend:

"Josey, don't you worry," Cassadee Pope's voice blared from my alarm clock, complete with pictures of the members of Hey Monday. (something so we know C.P is isn't really in her room. After googling, I found out C.P. is in a band...didn't know that. Maybe you could explain for readers who might not know.)

I sat up with a jolt and slammed my hand down on the snooze button, causing it to fly off the table and crash to the ground. With a sigh, I flipped the covers off and stood up on the cold wood floor. It's the first day of summer vacation, but I'm still getting up at six in the morning.

I was about to put on my usual outfit when I remembered what I was trying to achieve. With a sigh I slid on the clothes I forced my dad to buy me over top of my also new bathing suit. Someone banged on the door. Knowing exactly who it was I flung it open and walked out. But of course Tyler didn't move so I slammed right into him. I was actually happy to see him but I didn't show it. Him and his brother Mike lived next door. They were my older brother Josh's friends and not mine so I had no excuse to see them. Tyler was my age so we were friends but we didn't share a single class this year. And Mike was a year older so I didn't have classes with him either. And since Josh went to college I didn't see them at all. But now Josh was back from college.

I recommend:

I was about to put on my usual outfit when I remembered what I was trying to achieve. With a sigh, I slid on the clothes I forced my dad to buy me over top of my also new bathing suit.

Someone banged on the door.

Knowing exactly who it was, I flung it open and walked out. But of course, Tyler didn't move so I slammed right into him. I was actually happy to see him, but I didn't show it.

Him and his brother Mike lived next door. They were my older brother Josh's friends, not mine, so I had no excuse to see them. Tyler was my age so we were friends, but we didn't share any classes this year. And Mike was a year older so I didn't have classes with him either. Since Josh went to college, I didn't see them at all. But now, Josh was back.

(For this last section, I would be careful when using "But" and "And" to start sentences. If you can, use them to connect two sentences that would flow better together than apart.)

Tyler shoved a piece of pop-tart in my mouth and then put a piece in his own "Ready to work?" He asked. I shrugged "I guess I am." I worked at his parents boating/wakeboarding Marina during the summer with Tyler, Mike, Josh, and Adam. Tyler's eyebrows furrowed and as he shoved another piece of pop-tart into my mouth he asked "What the heck are you wearing?" Then remembrance flashed over his face. "Oh yeah, you're trying to get with Mike." I slapped my hand over his mouth just as he put another piece of the pop-tart in "Tell the whole world why don't you!" He shoved pop-tart through my closed lips and jerked his head away "I shall if I want to."

I recommend:

Tyler shoved a piece of Pop-tart in my mouth and then put a piece in his own. "Ready to work?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I guess I am." I worked at his parents boating and wakeboarding marina during the summer with Tyler, Mike, Josh, and Adam.

Tyler's eyebrows furrowed, and as he shoved another piece of Pop-tart into my mouth, he asked, "What the heck are you wearing?" Then remembrance flashed over his face. "Oh yeah, you're trying to get with Mike."

I slapped my hand over his mouth just as he put another piece of the pop-tart in. "Tell the whole world why don't you!"

He shoved Pop-tart through my closed lips and jerked his head away. "I shall if I want to."

(Pop-tarts, while being a yummy treat, is also a brand--so it should be capitalized. Also, watch your puncuation before you start your quotes. You should either have a period if ending a statement, or a comma if leading into the quote. Another thing, when you have more than one speaker, it's best to put a break after they've said their part, and then start the next person's dialogue--as I've shown above.)
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Ok, quick question. Who is Adam? I'm guessing he's Mike and Tyler's older brother. I he Josh's best friend? or both?
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Hey FictionFanatic,

This was really really good, I totally enjoyed reading it! I can't wait to read more.
I only found a few problems, One: when a new person talks make sure he\she has their own sentence\paragraph, so its not all jumbled together, and confusing for the reader.
Two: I got just a little confused over who was who, theres almost way too many characters to keep up with on such a short notice, but I'm sure as the story develops it'll be easier for the reader to understand. But just a heads up.
Three: the whole handshake thing was cute, don't get me wrong. But again it was almost too much, almost.
That is actually all I found wrong, I love having the idea of one girl and a bunch of guy friends, personally guys are so much easier to hang with, their so laid back its ridiculous.
Please, pretty please, continue with this. And if you can IM me when more of this is posted.
Thanks!!
Addawen
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