Dragons

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Prologue
Spoiler
James Carthen looked out the window into the atmosphere. The clouds rolled past as the shuttle descended down onto recently discovered Onasi-3. Then something moved out of the corner of his eye. He peered out of the dirty window, trying to get a better glimpse. Nothing appeared. A few hours later, the advance party exited the shuttle onto a grassy plain. A shadow covered the sun. Something swooped down upon them. It was at least as large as a bus and covered from head to toe in scales, horns, and spines. The impact of its landing sent them sprawling to the ground. A Private screamed as razor-sharp teeth shredded his flesh while being eaten alive. The others opened fire. The energy bolts partly shredded the scales. The beast roared in pain and lashed out. Men were sent flying. Finally, someone unloaded the heavy cannon. The bolt seared through the head and fell the beast. The advance party pulled themselves to their feet and ran back to the shuttle. More of them devil-spawned beasts appeared. The war had begun.
Chapter 1
General Carthen looked down upon the planet from high in orbit. He still couldn’t believe that a single Dragons territorial instinct had started a war this brutal. At first the sides seemed evenly matched. The dragons were powerful beyond imagination but had no grasp of tactics like the humans. They seemed surprised that something so much smaller than them could fight so savagely. They just couldn’t seem to grasp the idea of dying for your comrades, probably because they were a loner species. Then had come the turning point. A group of commandos gunned their way into a dragon nest, killed the elder dragon, and stole some of the eggs. This had been a terrible blow. Now the order had gone out. All human forces were to get the heck off that planet. The main fleet had arrived. An aide appeared in the doorway. ‘Sir, the fleet is in position.” He looked down one last time. “Then do it, burn them away.” In unison, every ship there fired every energy weapon they had. The oceans writhed and boiled. The continents burned into cinders. Pain and screams exploded in his head. The dragons were sending out mental waves as they died. It was finally over
Ch. 2
They had just come out of N-space when their engines explode. Warning lights flashed and a siren blared. “Sir we have been hit by an Ion cannon!” The main screen crackled to life. On screen was Carthens greatest political foe, General Darius. “Darius you bastard! What the hell are you doing?” “I am eliminating the only thing that stands in my way. So long my former opponent.” The next ion bolt completely destroyed the ship. A few days later Darius set himself as military dictator.
Ch. 3
20 years later
Christian was exploring the old caves. He had been playing in here since he was little. After growing up with no parents, the caves had become like a home. He knew the animals it held, the tides of its underground lakes, and had even mapped out the extent of its caverns. He was currently exploring a newly found tunnel. Strangely enough I was leading upward. He came out of the dark tunnel into a dimly lit cavern. In the nean glow of the tunnel plants, metal glittered. He set about moving away the rubble until he had uncovered a kind of door. He managed to pry it open with a crowbar he had swiped from Frank, his foster father. Inside was a rusty corridor. The light from his glow stick barely made a difference. He progressed down through the darkness. Another door appeared in his way. This one was much easier to open. The light from his glow stick fell upon a human skeleton. Tatters of what appeared to have once been a uniform hung off its bones, along with scraps of flesh. He moved the corpse off the floor and opened the trapdoor it laid upon. Inside was a cargo bay filled with orb shaped things. There had to be at least twenty. He grabbed one and placed it in his pack. Perhaps it was worth something. He continued his search of the strange metal place. There was nothing else of worth inside the place. Christian simply left the way he came. Little did he know that on the other side of the caves, the military was searching for the exact place he had just been.
I am.... a New Age Inkling! We must continue the fight for young authors, for it is the brave mans part to write with glory or with glory be rejected!




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Hey Highlander! I'm Lauren and I'll be reviewing for you today.

This was rather interesting, but has a few issues with it.

First off, these chapters are extremely short and lack plot building devices. The plot certainly advances, but not in a way that entices a reader. There are some very easy ways to fix this:

Action and Interaction
A good story is built on action. Action between characters, between forces, or even between nature and humans. Think conflict, think things happening. Let your characters interact. Have them talk, have them do things together.

Dialogue
Just having people talking can advance the plot in a very interesting way. Plus, it gives characters depth by revealing their motives and personalities.

Showing v. Telling
A great way to develop plot, and to lengthen chapters is to focus on showing instead of telling. These chapters were full of telling, which is good only in moderation. Showing is much more interesting to a reader and really lets your story shine.
Here is an excellent article written by a YWS member on the topic: Show and Tell

The Knowledge Base here on YWS is full of articles written by our members, and are really helpful to improving writing. Here is a link: Knowledge Base

Good luck in your future writing endeavors! If you ever have any questions, feel free to PM me. This story can be really excellent, you have a great idea on your hands. Everyone can use a little improvement here and there, and you'll be doing great in a matter of time. Good luck and keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp