My life as a human dreamcatcher Part 2

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We have found you at last, Megan Marie Bell. At this point I was thinking, Wow, somebody’s a bit of a drama queen. And then walked from the shadows, two men, both wearing black suits.

One was dwarfed, and wearing a scowl that said The next person that makes a crack about my height is getting their ankles bitten right off of them.

The man who stood beside him seemed nice enough, though standing at seven foot, two inches, looked rather intimidating. Even in the dark, his chocolate skin stood out, and in contrast to the dwarf beside him, he towered.

OK, I knew the sane thing to do in that situation was run, but really, in my dreams I tend not to act sane. Or maybe it wasn't an act, considering I usually couldn’t tell the difference between dreams and life. But this was a dream. Two freaky men who said they’d been looking for me and who knew my name. I highly doubted I was in full consciousness.

Something in my pocket started to grow warm: my lucky coin. A surefire way to know I was dreaming. It always got warm when I dreamt.

I know what you're thinking, and you can just shut up. You're thinking if her coin tells her when she’s dreaming, then why all the confusion? I’ll tell you why. When your skydiving and your sure you’re going to die, you don’t exactly think Hmm… where’s my coin? I want to take its temperature.

It was only times like this, when I was more or less screwed in place, and totally aware of myself, that I noticed the rising temperature on my leg.

Back to the men in black.

“Megan Bell,” said the tower. “Do you know who we are?”

It could be my imagination (according to the shrinks, it often times is) but he sounded really familiar. Had I dreamt him before?

“Uh… nope,” I said in a way that could only be described as me. (Or at least that’s what my best friend Katie would have said. Hey, even crazies have best friends. As Katie said, “I like crazies. They’re free entertainment.” I could imagine.)

“My name is Alick. This is Durin,” He gestured toward the dwarfed man. Alick said everything as though he was talking to a fawn, or maybe a scared puppy. You know, the it’s-OK-we’re-not-going-to-hurt-you voice. It was sickening.

“I guess you already know my name’s Meg,” I said with a nervous laugh. Panic, though, was wearing off. I was in a dream. Short or tall, you can’t hurt me in a dream. That’s a fact. “The question is, how?”

“A question I would be happy to answer… if you do me one teensy favor. Can you do that for me?” Dude, I’m not five. Would you believe it, he actually dropped his hands to his knees so we’d be eye-level. I mean, I wasn’t that short.

I crossed my arms. So now he needed a favor…. Interesting.

“That depends on the favor. Keep talking,” I always got too confident in my dreams. But hey, why shouldn’t I have been? They were my dreams.

He stood up straight, taking a piece of paper out of his pocket. He also took out his wallet. Hmm….

“This is a list,” Alick said. “We need you to get us the items on the list, then meet us at the park. Think of it as a… scavenger hunt. You can find everything on here at Wal-Mart. So what do you say?” He held out both the paper and the wallet.

We. I looked over. Well… down. I’d all but forgotten his partner.

“I say… why me? You said you’d been looking for me. Why?”

“Save your questions ‘till the deed is done. And don‘t forget to bring your lucky coin,” He dropped the paper and wallet in my hand. He snapped his finger and they vanished in a puff of smoke. How lame.

At the same moment the curtains vanished also, the lights turned on, and the people popped back in. Literally. I heard a pop.

I just stood there staring at the objects for a few minutes. I didn’t stop until Nancy had come up, touched my arm and said, “Hey Meg, you OK? What do you got there?”

I looked up. “This? Oh nothing. Hey, I got to go. See you later.”

I picked up my backpack and, still clutching the paper and wallet, walked out the door.

In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to accept money from two guys in black suits and in return promise to buy them whatever was on their list. But it wasn't my fault Alick knew how to prey upon my inquisitiveness. They said curiosity killed the cat. I took it up as a personal challenge to prove that theory wrong.

Anyways, I’d just wake up in the morning, fine and dandy. So really you couldn’t blame me for my stupidity. I didn’t act rational in dreams. That got boring.

Nearly knocking several people over, I ran home. I swung open the side door of the garage. As I did so, I heard a thud and a cry of pain. Teddy’s face entered the doorway. She was lugging her bike with her.

“Hey! Watch it! You almost hurt Rorfin,” Sure enough, sitting in her bike basket was a little hamster in a cage. “I’m taking him to the park for his daily exercise.”

“As if I care about your stupid pet, freak,” It’s not like I didn’t know she did this every day.

Teddy was obsessed with animals. A few years ago she managed to convince mom and dad to buy her a goldfish. Freda. She fed it regularly, cleaned it’s tank, and bought it the little rocks and treasure chest for decoration. It didn’t die within a week; my parents let her get a… wait for it… frog, named Yorky.

Teddy did whatever it is you do to take care of a frog, and it’s still alive to this day. After a few months, she got promoted to a hamster. If she can take care of that well enough, she might even be able to guilt dad into buying her a dog. She wants a beagle, and she said no matter what it might look like, she’s going to name it Albuster.

She wanted to get Albuster so much, that she was being even more OCD with Rorfin than usual. You know, special diet, shining cage, and of course, regular walks in the park. She even had a little harness and leash for it. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if the little fluff ball ran away. Because of it, the hallway always smelled when I walked past her room.

Teddy walked her bike to the end of the driveway, made sure Rorfin was securely fastened and was no way going to fall out. She slung her leg over the seat, and just before taking off, called out, “Your just jealous that I can keep a simple fish alive for more than a week.”

Bringing up Herbert, that’s low.

I entered the garage and a few seconds later, dragged my bike out. I rode up the huge hill behind our house, and along several back roads, before emerging behind the Wal-Mart. I ditched my bike in a cluster of trees, and walked the rest of the way there.

It never occurred to me to check the shopping list until I was already in the store. But hey, tons of guys do this when their wives send them out shopping, and it always ends OK, right?

I found a bench as quickly as I could, sat down, and pulled out my list.

I did’t know what I was expecting, but somehow that was not it.


SHOPPING LIST:

Round locket with a diameter of at least an inch and a half

Flashlight

Freaky Fears: Phobias of the World (Book)

For my Namesake: Name Meanings (Book)

Dorothy’s Dream Interpretation: What Your Dreams Say About You (Book)

First Aid For Beginners (Book)

First aid kit

Six canning jars

Six canning jar lids

A label maker


Who were Alick and Durin, why did they need such strange items, why couldn’t they get them themselves, and why did they want me to bring my lucky coin? How did they even know about my lucky coin? Or at least those were the questions I would have asked if this hadn’t been a dream.

To be continued...

Hope you like my story,
:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
Last edited by ultraviolet on Fri May 14, 2010 5:56 pm, edited 8 times in total.
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hi Ultraviolet! This was an interesting story, and I really want to know more. Here are just some nitpicks I found:
I know what your thinking. And you can just shut up. Your thinking if her coin tells her when she’s dreaming, then why all the confusion? I’ll tell you why. When your skydiving and your sure you’re going to die, you don’t exactly think Hmm… where’s my coin? I want to take it’s temperature.


"Your" is a possessive word. What you want is "you're", which means, "you are." Also, just in the last sentence, "it's" doesn't have an apostrophe.

That's basically all that I found. PM me when you post more!




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Hey again!
You know the drill. :wink:

We have found you at last, Megan Marie Bell. At this point I was thinking, Wow, somebody’s a bit of a drama queen. I liked this! It was funny. And then walked from the shadows, two men, both wearing black suits.

One was dwarfed, and wearing a scowl that said, The next person that makes a crack about my height is getting their ankles bitten right off of them. Loved this part too!

The man who stood beside him seemed nice enough, though standing at seven foot, two inches, looked rather intimidating. Even in the dark, his chocolate skin stood out, and in contrast to the dwarf beside him, he towered.

I froze.

OK, I knew the sane thing to do in that situation was run, but really, in my dreams I tend not to act sane. Or maybe it wasn't an act, considering I usually couldn’t tell the difference between dreams and life. But this was a dream. Two freaky men who said they’d been looking for me and who knew my name. I highly doubted I was in full consciousness. Changed tenses a bit there. :wink:

Something in my pocket started to grow warm: my lucky coin. A surefire way to know I was dreaming. It always got warm when I dreamt. Nice little touch.

I know what you're thinking, and you can just shut up. Your thinking if her coin tells her when she’s dreaming, then why all the confusion? I’ll tell you why. When your skydiving and your sure you’re going to die, you don’t exactly think Hmm… where’s my coin? I want to take its temperature.

It was only times like this, when I was more or less screwed in place, and totally aware of myself, that I noticed the rising temperature on my leg. Tenses again.

Back to the men in black.

“Megan Bell,” said the tower. “Do you know who we are?”

It could be my imagination (according to the shrinks, it often times is) but he sounded really familiar. Had I dreamt him before?

“Uh… nope,” I said in a way that could only be described as me. (Or at least that’s what my best friend Katie would have said. Hey, even crazies have best friends. As Katie said, “I like crazies. They’re free entertainment.” I could imagine.) I like it! :lol:

“My name is Alick. This is Durin,” He gestured toward the dwarfed man. Alick said everything as though he was talking to a fawn, or maybe a scared puppy. You know, the it’s-OK-we’re-not-going-to-hurt-you voice. It was sickening.

“I guess you already know my name’s Meg,” I said with a nervous laugh. Panic, though, was wearing off. I was in a dream. Short or tall, you can’t hurt me in a dream. That’s a fact. “The question is, how?”

“A question I would be happy to answer… if you do me one teensy favor. Can you do that for me?” Dude, I’m not five. Would you believe it, he actually dropped his hands to his knees so we’d be eye-level. I mean, I’m wasn’t that short. This was funny too!

I crossed my arms. So now he needed a favor…. Interesting.

“That depends on the favor. Keep talking,” I always got too confident in my dreams. But hey, why shouldn’t I have been? They were my dreams. I bet it isn't actually a dream... :smt002

He stood up straight, taking a piece of paper out of his pocket. And I don't like sentences beginning with and. Just a thought! he also took out his wallet. Hmm….

“This is a list,” Alick said. “We need you to get us the items on the list, then meet us at the park. Think of it as a… scavenger hunt. You can find everything on here at Wal-Mart. So what do you say?” He held out both the paper and the wallet.

We. I looked over. Well… down. I’d all but forgotten his partner.

“I say… why me? You said you’d been looking for me. Why me?”

“Save your questions ‘till the deed is done. And don‘t forget to bring your lucky coin,” He dropped the paper and wallet in my hand. He snapped his finger and they vanished in a puff of smoke. How lame. haha :lol:

At the same moment, the curtains vanished also. The lights turned on, and the people popped back in. Literally. I heard a pop.

I just stood there staring at the objects for a few minutes. I didn’t stop until Nancy had come up, touched my arm and said, “Hey Meg, you OK? What do you got there?”

I looked up. “This? Oh nothing. Hey, I got to go. See you later.”

I picked up my backpack and, still clutching the paper and wallet, walked out the door.

In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to accept money from two guys in black suits and in return promise to buy them whatever was on their list. But it was not my fault Alick knew how to prey upon my inquisitiveness. They said curiosity killed the cat. I took it up as a personal challenge to prove that theory wrong. I like ;)

Anyways, I’d just wake up in the morning, fine and dandy. So really you couldn’t blame me for my stupidity. I didn’t act rational in dreams. That got boring.

Nearly knocking several people over, I ran home. I swung open the side door of the garage. As I did so, I heard a thud and a cry of pain. Teddy’s face entered the doorway. She was lugging her bike with her.

“Hey! Watch it! You almost hurt Rorfin,” Sure enough, sitting in her bike basket was a little hamster in a cage. “I’m taking him to the park for his daily exercise.”

“As if I care about your stupid pet, freak,” It’s not like I didn’t know she did this every day.

Teddy was obsessed with animals. A few years ago, she managed to convince mom and dad to buy her a goldfish; Freda. She fed it regularly, cleaned it’s tank, and bought it the little rocks and treasure chest for decoration. It didn’t die within a week; my parents let her get a… wait for it… frog. You don't really need this period. Named Yorky.

Teddy did whatever it is you do to take care of a frog, and it’s still alive to this day. After a few months, she got promoted to a hamster. And Once again, sentence starting with and. meh... if she can take care of that well enough, she might even be able to guilt dad into buying her a dog. She wants a beagle, and she said no matter what it might look like, she’s going to name it Albuster. Poor dog...

She wanted to get Albuster so much, that she was being even more OCD with Rorfin than usual. You know, special diet, shining cage, and of course, regular walks in the park. She even had a little harness and leash for it. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if the little fluff ball ran away. Because of it, the hallway always smelled when I walked past her room.

Teddy walked her bike to the end of the driveway, made sure Rorfin was securely fastened and was no way going to fall out. She slung her leg over the seat, and just before taking off, called out, “Your just jealous that I can keep a simple fish alive for more than a week.”

Bringing up Herbert, that’s low. Disgusting aye...

I entered the garage and a few seconds later, dragged my bike out. I rode up the huge hill behind our house, and along several back roads, before emerging behind the Wal-Mart. I ditched my bike in a cluster of trees, and walked the rest of the way there.

It never occurred to me to check the shopping list until I was already in the store. But hey, tons of guys do this when their wives send them out shopping, and it always ends OK, right?

I found a bench as quickly as I could, sat down, and pulled out my list.

I didn't know what I was expecting, but somehow that was not it.



SHOPPING LIST:

Round locket with a diameter of at least an inch and a half

Flashlight

Freaky Fears: Phobias of the World (Book)

For my Namesake: Name Meanings (Book)

Dorothy’s Dream Interpretation: What Your Dreams Say About You (Book)

First Aid For Beginners (Book)

First aid kit

Six canning jars

Six canning jar lids

A label maker

Like the e-mail in the last part. Try italicizing this!



Who were Alick and Durin, why did they need such strange items, why couldn’t they get them themselves, and why did they want me to bring my lucky coin? How did they even know about my lucky coin? Or at least those are the questions I would have asked if this hadn’t been a dream.


Overall

I liked this part even more than the first one! It was even a bit funnier, which I loved. I love how weird the things on the two guys shopping list were. You still had a good amount of description and I like your characters even more now. The spelling was up to scratch and the grammar was still good. Although, I did find a few more errors in this one! Mainly comma errors... commas are confusing!

My main critique is about the tenses! This part was a bit worse than the first one when it came to changing tenses. Once again, I've highlighted the places where I spotted you using present tense, in red. You actually do exactly what I used to do. I'm not entirely sure if my corrections are correct, in fact. I'm pretty sure that they are, but because I used to struggle with changing tenses, they could be wrong. :roll: What you need to remember is that you should never use phrases like 'I go' when writing in past tense. Always use 'I went', even if it might sound a bit weird to you. You'll get used to it after a while and you will then be the master of tenses! 8)

I don't really have any other critiques. I feel useless... :| I still adore your characters and I love the humour in this. Pah... I'm useless... :lol:

I'm sorry this has been short, I really don't have much else to say! Just keep doing what you're doing! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread. I'd be more than happy to read some more of your writing.

Keep writing, please!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Skins, thanks for reviewing! You're right, tenses are my weakness. I've been putting extra emphasis into perfecting those, though.

I'll tell you as soon as Part 3 is out. Shouldn't be long, but I'm working hard on editing, plus there's a lot of necessary dialogue, and I'm not so good at that. Nonetheless, I hope to get it out in a few days tops.

Thanks again for reviewing!

:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

P.S. Do you like the ending of Part 1 better? I changed it. I'd appreciate it if you'd look at it if you're not too busy. :)
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hey, I like this chapter too, but somehow the first was more interesting. I like the sarcastic voice, though. It reminds me of Percy Jackson...:D Well, I still want to find out why those guys need those items. And how is she going to pay for them? It seems like she didn't even think about money. I mean, a regular kid wouldn't get stuff for strangers for free unless they gave her moeny in advance. Consider that, please.
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Hey, here to read this next chapter.

When you're skydiving and your sure you’re going to die, you don’t exactly think Hmm… where’s my coin? I want to take its temperature.


Bringing up Herbert, that’s low.
:lol: That made me laugh.


Overall, I thought it was a funny and entertaining chapter just like the first. We got more of an insight into Meg's personality, and I think that she seems really cool and funny. I wonder why you bring up Rorfin the hamster and all of that detail...will it be important later? If not, you might think about replacing it with something else.
Anyway, I liked it. Nice.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket



The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
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