Their Secret Lives: edited

Under Construction

Oh boy. Oh boy. I'm not gonna lie... This is problematic. This needs help. This needs the services of... The Rambo Reviewer!
(Why yes, that is him fighting a space invader.)

Because the Rambo Reviewer is so BA, he reviews in RED, the color of the blood of his victims.

"I Hate You!!!!!!!!!!" There needs to be quotation marks (")around I hate you, because it's, well, a quote, someone said it. Also, so many ! are unnecessary. Hate and you don't need to be capitalized because they're not proper nouns or at the beginning of a sentence. Saba screamed at the top of her lungs at her husband.She took a
Cup Cup doesn't need to be capitalized. and smashed it inon his head. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Again, too many ! and you only need to say he screamed in pain. Aaah is redundant 'cause it's not a word, but a sound. You wouldn't say "'Sigh', he sighed" would you? He screamed out in pain. You stupid
Witch!Witch shouldn't be capitalized. He He should be lowercase --> he.screamed. He put his hands around her neck and started shaking her. Stop,
Stop it Blake! Quotes around what she says, and she uncapitalized. She screamed as loud as she possible could. He put her head in their sink No new paragraph here, and And should start lowercase.
And turned on the water. She flailed her arms everywhere but he would not let her up.
"Dad, Dad stop, stop it! Let mom up." Blake looked over at his daughter Brenda in the
Doorway.Doorway --> doorway She dyed her hair what color? I'm guessing black, but it makes a huge difference in how we perceive her if it's black or, say, blond. and she wore black makeup and she wore a black mini minu-skirt, and no new paragraph here.
with a shirt on a black skintight shirt that showed everything but her chest. She also had
Had double had here, cut the second. on some huge black earrings and three black necklaces. Dad let go of mom now! You had quotes around her speech earlier, but now you've gone back to not using them. *falls to knees* NOOOOO!
Brenda shouted. Blake looked into his daughter’s eyes Period here, capitalize he. he could tell she was angry. He let lowercase the g in go, and no new paragraph! This formatting is so wonky!
Go. The only reason I’m stopping is because Brenda asked me to! Quotes. Seriously, they cry out to be used by you. Blake screamed at
Saba. Then he banged her head against the sink. After that he stormed out of the room.
“Thank you Brenda.”There should be a new paragraph after a new person speaks, so here... “Whatever, I’m going to hang out with some friends I’ll be back
Later.” and here"How much later?” here“Why do you need to know?” here“Hello! Because I’m your
Mother.”here “Just shut up witch!” and here“Why do you have to be so negative?”and here “Me negative! End with more " and put a ? at the end. Oh yeah, and here
“You are the one who always acts like its world war three every time you have a fight
With Dad!”Um, it is. He tried to kill her. I think she's d*mn calm about it, considering. Oh yeah, new paragraph here. “That’s a lie!” another " is needed, and new para here.You are so full of it!”and here “I just broke one up!!!!!!!!!!” What does that mean? and I thought her name was Brenda?Birdie stormed out of the room and then she ran out of the house and slammed the door behind her so hard she made a clock on a wall in the living room drop and brake.break

Okay your grammar and formatting was horrendous. Possibly the worst I've ever seen. 0/10

The story and characters, on the other hand, had potential. I liked the idea, but it was so bogged in lousy grammar I couldn't focus. Something I liked is that it's totally understandable for Brenda to go all rebel when her home is so effed up. Realistic.

Anyway, trying reading some books to see how they're formatted to get an idea of better grammar. Try working on that when you continue this. (Because I'd like you to continue, this is an interesting idea.)

Ciao

~Karma

Comments in red. I will fix the formatting to the best of my abilities.

Sarah Pass wrote:Chapter One
"I hate you!!!!!!!!!!" First of all - exclamation points are being massacred here. Don't use them unless you really want it to have a gargantuan impact. Silence is actually freakier than loud noise so you might want to go for that too. Periods work fine. If you need exclamation points to prove how angry your character is, there's a problem. Saba screamed at the top of her lungs at her husband. She took a cup and smashed it on his head. And he doesn't defend himself? Doesn't do anything? Just stands there and screams? Not realistic.
"Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" He screamed out in pain. No, honey. Not that line, God knows that sentence needs to be revised. Do not tell us he screamed out in pain. Let us feel it. Show. "You stupid witch!" He screamed. Word repetition. He put his hands around her neck and started shaking her. No. Revise. I don't see this working out well. It feels like a little kid describing what's happening on screen - there is no emotion to it, it's bland and it's a laundry list.
"Stop, stop it Blake!"

Okay you know what? I won't go farther than that because I think you got the hint. Formatting must be good, or else people can't concentrate on the story.

So far, all I get from your characters are these impressions:

They're overdramatic.

They're kind of calm even though the situation is bad.

Neither of those are good. Honestly I wouldn't care less if they went and jumped off a cliff. The question is, would you? If you don't then we have a big problem, because as much as you're supposed to torture your characters you're supposed to love them. If you do then your problem is slightly smaller. All you need to do is make us understand why you love these characters.

The plot I couldn't focus on.

This review is made of 100% opinion.

Sincerely,

Kara