Daughter of Snow White

The mirror lay on the wall. It’s been unused for several years now. Dust cakes its glass surface. No one’s been here, it’s gotten lonely. The Queen was dead now; its only companion was dead. It felt lonely, how many times it’d wished that it had fallen off the wall and shattered. It wouldn’t have to feel the pain of neglect anymore or drown in boredom. For years it had mimicked the Queen after she had deceased. “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” it could still recall her voice, the scowl on her flawless features when it had replied “Snow White”.
The door creaked open. A little girl walked in. She had pale skin, white as a ghost, lips that were almost crimson, locks of charcoal black hair, and eyes bluer than the sky. It couldn’t be. She was even fairer than Snow White herself. “Greetings, Princess,” the mirror said. Its voice was a bit cracked from lack of use. The girl looked around, confusion marking her face, her eyebrows creased.
“Where are you?” the girl said. Her voice was like the sound of bells to the mirror’s ears. Any voice was beautiful to it now.
“Look in the mirror.”
The girl scanned the room till her eyes fell on the piece of glass. She walked slowly towards it cautiously, as if afraid something would jump out at her. She gazed into it and the mirror smiled. The girl jumped back a little.
“The mirror smiled,” she said dumbly.
“Yes, I am the mirror.” She walked closer.
“My name is Cecilia,” her voice was so childish; after all, she couldn’t be more than six.
“What brings you here on this fine day?” it asked.
“My mother is upset with me,” she sighed, “she can’t understand why I detest doing chores so much. We’re visiting her old castle and she wanted to clean it. By hand! She won’t let servants do it, so I’ve run here to hide till she’s done.”
The mirror chuckled. “Oh yes, I recall her cleaning all the time back when she was a child. She just hated dirtiness. Everything always had to be spotless and in order. She’d use that lovely voice of hers and sing while she tidied things up.”
“You knew her?” Cecilia asked.
“If being able to watch her and the whole kingdom all the time counts, then yes.”
Cecilia’s eyes ogled. “Can you show me?”
“Sure, just say ‘Mirror, Mirror on the wall’ then whatever you want me to show you.” The mirror grinned. Maybe it would have a companion again.
“Okay. Mir-Mirror, Mirror on the wall show me what mother’s doing right now,” she stuttered. She was nervous.
The image was a bit blurred and the sound a bit muffled, but Snow White was scrubbing the marble floor furiously. “Marble shine, marble clean, bucket full of water to give the floor a shower,” she sang in a sing song voice. Her husband sat on a chair watching her.
“Snow, is this really necessary?” he asked.
“Of course it is. You wouldn’t want the servants to do it and miss a spot, would you?”
Hesitantly he replied, “no.”
The images faded. Cecilia laughed.
“One time Mother told me to go wash my hands in the winter and I only washed one. The water was so cold that day. When I went to the dining room, she took one look at me and said, ‘the other hand too.’”
The mirror laughed again. “That’s Snow White for you. She once took care of seven dwarves. She cooked for all of them and managed their household.”
“What are dwarves?” Her questions were so innocuous.
“Hasn’t she even told her about the little men or the poisonous apple?”
“I’ve never seen an apple. Mother doesn’t allow them. We aren’t even allowed to say the word.”
“So you’ve never heard about your mother’s past?”
“She says that she had a mother who took good care of her and was kind to her and taught her everything she knows. She said that one day I’ll marry a prince too, just like how she married Father.”
“Do you want me to tell you what really happened?”
“Of course I do,” Cecilia insisted.
“Well, once upon a time, when your grandmother gave birth to her. Your mother was everything she ever wanted. She was such a beautiful baby, but your mother came with a price. Your grandmother died shortly after giving birth to her. “
“But Mother said-” The mirror cut her off.
“You said you wanted to know what really happened.” Cecilia nodded her head. “So your Grandfather remarried. He married the fairest maiden in his kingdom; little did he know that she was a witch. She’s the one who first discovered me. She’d discovered that I could talk.”
“Did you show her things?” Cecilia asked, “Like you showed me.”
“She only asked one question, always.”
“Why only one? I’d think that a Queen would ask lots of questions.”
“Cecilia,” a voice called.
“That’s Father,” she said.
“Will you come back tomorrow?” the mirror asked.
“Of course I will, we’re staying here for the summer.” Cecilia walked towards the door. The mirror watched her leave.
“Goodbye, Princess! I’ll look forward to your company.”

I like whole idea of a sequel to Snow White. My favorite novels are the one's in first person in the present tense, but that's an opinion, and nonetheless this was very good. Your sentences are short though, and I would merge some of them. For example "The mirror lay on the wall. It’s been unused for several years now. Dust cakes its glass surface. No one’s been here, it’s gotten lonely." could be changed to "The mirror lay on the wall, unused for several years now. Dust cakes its glass surface, indicating that no one’s been here, and it’s gotten lonely."
Otherwise, I liked it! Please tell me when the next part comes out.

I adore fairytale remakes, so I'm going to crit this. Comments in red.

crescent wrote:The mirror lay on the wall. The word "lay" doesn't seem to click for me here. It’s been unused for several years now. Your tense just shifted. Dust cakes its glass surface. No one’s been here; it’s gotten lonely. The Queen was dead now; its only companion was dead. Tense shift again. It felt lonely, how many times it’d wished that it had fallen off the wall and shattered. It would be better as: It felt lonely. How many times had it wished that it would fall off the wall and shatter? But even better, let us feel lonely with it. Let us wish it'd fall off the wall and shatter. It wouldn’t have to feel the pain of neglect anymore or drown in boredom. For years it had mimicked the Queen after she had deceased. First of all, "had deceased" is not right. And second, the sentence is awkward even if you fixed that part. So change the sentence. “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” It could still recall her voice, the scowl on her flawless features when it had replied “Snow White”.
The door creaked open. A little girl walked in. She had pale skin, white as a ghost, lips that were almost crimson, locks of charcoal black hair, and eyes bluer than the sky. It couldn’t be. She was even fairer than Snow White herself. Honestly I once read a story that told me Snow White was butt ugly. And you know what, it's plausible because if you truly saw a person like that you would freak. So yeah. I'm against it, but I won't hold it against this story because it's following the original Snow White cannon. “Greetings, Princess,” the mirror said. Its voice was a bit cracked from lack of use. The girl looked around, confusion marking her face, her eyebrows creased. Eyebrows creased? Maybe forehead.
“Where are you?” the girl said. Her voice was like the sound of bells to the mirror’s ears. Any voice was beautiful to it now.
“Look in the mirror.”
The girl scanned the room till her eyes fell on the piece of glass. She walked slowly towards it cautiously, as if afraid something would jump out at her. She gazed into it and the mirror smiled. The girl jumped Word repetition. back a little.
“The mirror smiled,” she said dumbly. Not working for me. Cut?
“Yes, I am the mirror.” She walked closer. This makes it seem like she's the one who said "Yes, I am the mirror."
“My name is Cecilia,” her voice was so childish; after all, she couldn’t be more than six. Why in the world would she introduce herself for no reason? It seems random and out of the blue.
“What brings you here on this fine day?” it asked.
“My mother is upset with me,” she sighed, “she can’t understand why I detest doing chores so much. We’re visiting her old castle and she wanted to clean it. By hand! She won’t let servants do it, so I’ve run here to hide till she’s done.” Honestly, this is very stilted. Little kids don't talk this way, even if they are little kids from way back when.
The mirror chuckled. “Oh yes, I recall her cleaning all the time back when she was a child. She just hated dirtiness This word doesn't flow with the rest of the story's voice. Fix.. Everything always had to be spotless and in order. She’d use that lovely voice of hers and sing while she tidied things up.”
“You knew her?” Cecilia asked.
“If being able to watch her and the whole kingdom all the time counts, then yes.”
Cecilia’s eyes ogled. “Can you show me?”
“Sure, just say ‘Mirror, Mirror on the wall’ then whatever you want me to show you.” This bit doesn't fit with the rest of the piece either. The mirror grinned. Maybe it would have a companion again.
“Okay. Mir-Mirror, Mirror on the wall show me what mother’s doing right now,” she stuttered. She was nervous.
The image was a bit blurred and the sound a bit muffled, but Snow White was scrubbing the marble floor furiously. “Marble shine, marble clean, bucket full of water to give the floor a shower,” she sang in a sing song voice You don't sing in a sing-song voice. Trust me.. Her husband sat on a chair watching her.
“Snow, is this really necessary?” he asked.
“Of course it is. You wouldn’t want the servants to do it and miss a spot, would you?”
Hesitantly he replied, “no.”
The images faded. Cecilia laughed.
“One time Mother told me to go wash my hands in the winter and I only washed one. The water was so cold that day. When I went to the dining room, she took one look at me and said, ‘the other hand too.’”
The mirror laughed again. “That’s Snow White for you. She once took care of seven dwarves. She cooked for all of them and managed their household.”
“What are dwarves?” Her questions were so innocuous.
“Hasn’t she even told her about the little men or the poisonous apple?” Hasn't she even told you. Not her.
“I’ve never seen an apple. Mother doesn’t allow them. We aren’t even allowed to say the word.”
“So you’ve never heard about your mother’s past?”
“She says that she had a mother who took good care of her and was kind to her and taught her everything she knows. She said that one day I’ll marry a prince too, just like how she married Father.”
“Do you want me to tell you what really happened?”
“Of course I do,” Cecilia insisted.
“Well, once upon a time, when your grandmother gave birth to her. Your mother was everything she ever wanted. She was such a beautiful baby, but your mother came with a price. Your grandmother died shortly after giving birth to her. “
“But Mother said-” The mirror cut her off.
“You said you wanted to know what really happened.” Cecilia nodded her head. “So your Grandfather remarried. He married the fairest maiden in his kingdom; little did he know that she was a witch. She’s the one who first discovered me. She’d discovered that I could talk.”
“Did you show her things?” Cecilia asked, “Like you showed me.”
“She only asked one question, always.”
“Why only one? I’d think that a Queen would ask lots of questions.”
“Cecilia,” a voice called.
“That’s Father,” she said.
“Will you come back tomorrow?” the mirror asked.
“Of course I will, we’re staying here for the summer.” Cecilia walked towards the door. The mirror watched her leave.
“Goodbye, Princess! I’ll look forward to your company.”

I don't like the infodump towards the end. And this feels a little pointless. I think it lacked an ominous tone throughout the piece. That would have made the last sentence very powerful, but as it lacked the tone, the last sentence fell flat.

Also, dialogue is very stilted. I like the whole continuation of snow white idea and the whole her-daughter-might-be-the-new-evil-queen, but this piece needs a little polishing.

This review is made of 100% Kara's opinion. PM me if you have any questions about it, or if you need anything at all.

Sincerely,

Kara

Wow. Usually when I see a piece of this length, I skim through a bit, get the gist of things, then turn away. But this actually made me want to read it, right from the very beginning. Good job.

Only critique--I think the characters need more development. You give us a slight idea of their personalities--the mirror is wise, slightly haughty?--and Cecilia is more of a bold type of child, not shy, not easily shaken. However, it's not all very clear, and not always consistent--such as when Cecilia suddenly begins talking like a classy British professor, as Kara Hargreaves pointed out.

Otherwise, it's all very good. I can't wait for more.

I loved it! I've never much cared for Snow White (OK I hated it), but this made me want to keep reading. It was very entertaining. I like how at the beginning you used the mirror as the MC. It gave it feeling, made it seem much less like a TV you can just click on and off. Good work!

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

I'm sorry that this is so late!

I really liked this story, at first when i saw it, I groaned internally because the layout looked jumbled but when i read it it was incredibly easy to read.

I like the whole idea of snow White's daughter meeting the mirror....and mostly the idea of a sequel of snow white. This is really good. Now I kinda regret not reviewing it sooner.