UnAcceptaBle Part One

I softly kissed him. His lips pressed back against mine and I could just feel the love radiating off of him and into me. His love pulsed down, deep into my heart, radiating into my soul, lighting the darkest parts of my being. My heart changed its beat to match his and our fingers intertwined as our lips moved as though they had a mind of their own. My heart grew inside my chest until it felt as though it was going to burst and pounded against my ribs as though it was about to leap forth. We had only been together a week now, but I believed it safe to say that I loved him.

Randy and I were behind the school, our favorite place to be together. Most lovers went to the woods that surrounded our school and since the parking lot and security cameras were on the other side of the building, we were safe from prying eyes.

We continued to kiss, Randy slowly moving his hand up my leg. An aching pain started on the gum line of my mouth, but I ignored it. Randy moved his hand farther up my leg and the pain grew in my mouth. But, with this pain, came a strong desire. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my body closer to his. Randy wrapped his arms tightly around my waist to pull me even closer. But my desire was not satisfied so I kissed him more furiously then before, the pain mounting in my mouth every time my lips brushed against his.

But the desire inside of me was unsatisfied, no matter what I did. It was unlike any other need that I had felt before. It was like a hunger, but I was not hungry. It was a thirst, and yet I was not thirsty. My body screamed for something but I had no idea what it was, I had no way to satisfy it; and the pain in my mouth just kept growing until I felt like screaming. My control, I felt, was slipping, it was like I was going to loss control and my body would act upon its own accord to get what it needed at any moment.

Suddenly, Randy jerked away from me, snapping me out of my crazed thoughts, the pain in my mouth finally receding.

“Ow,” he said, putting his hand to his bottom lip. “I think you just bit me.”

Randy pulled his hand away from his lip and with it came blood. As the scarlet liquid caught the light and the beautiful aroma filled my nostrils, causing all my pleasure points to buzz, I realized what the burning desire inside of me was. I needed blood. The only thing that I wanted to do was sink my teeth into my lover’s luscious flesh and drink the enticing liquid that flowed within.

But instead of giving into my biggest desire, I turned from my potential snack and dug through my purse. I could not believe the needs that I was feeling. I could not be a vampire, it was not possible, I hadn’t been bitten by anything.

Finally, my hand touched what I was looking for: my compact. I quickly flipped it open and, after a moment of hesitation, barred my teeth. But, instead of there being normal, human teeth, there was a sharp set of fangs half an inch long. In a panic, I quickly snapped the compact closed. I thought for a moment, debating whether I should look again to see if I was wrong, knowing that I wasn’t.

“Oh, Kari,” Randy called in a sing-song voice.

Absentmindedly, I turned to look at him. His appearance had drastically changed; his eyes a blood-red color and his fingernails long and yellowed. On his head, peaking through his black hair were two horns. A thin tail whipped back and forth behind him. He smiled at me, showing me razor-sharp teeth, which glistened with a mixture of siliva and poison.

Then, he attacked.

~ ~ ~

Please tear this apart!

Will anyone comment on this?!?!

Hey dragnet

Don't worry about getting reviews straight away! This has only been up for almost two days

I softly kissed him. His lips pressed back against mine and I could just feel the love radiating off of him and into me. His love pulsed down, deep into my heart, radiating into my soul, lighting the darkest parts of my being. I liked this line! My heart changed its beat to match his and our fingers intertwined as our lips moved as though they had a mind of their own. My heart grew inside my chest until it felt as though it was going to burst. It and pounded against my ribs as though it was about to leap forth. We had only been together a week now, but I believed it safe to say that I loved him. Dating a week? It seems a bit too sudden for her to be 'in love'.

Randy and I were behind the school, our favorite place to be together. Most lovers went to the woods that surrounded our school and since the parking lot and security cameras were on the other side of the building, we were safe from prying eyes. This was a bit too long for one sentence. Try turning it into two or more separate sentences.

We continued to kiss, Randy slowly moving his hand up my leg. An aching pain started on the gum line of my mouth, but I ignored it. Randy moved his hand farther up my leg and the pain grew in my mouth. But, with this pain, came a strong desire. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my body closer to his. Randy wrapped his arms tightly around my waist to pull me even closer. But my desire was not satisfied, so I kissed him more furiously then before, the pain mounting in my mouth every time my lips brushed against his.

But the desire inside of me was unsatisfied, no matter what I did. It was unlike any other need that I had felt before. It was like a hunger, but I was not hungry. It was a thirst, and yet I was not thirsty. My body screamed for something but I had no idea what it was, I had no way to satisfy it; and the pain in my mouth just kept growing until I felt like screaming. My control, I felt, was slipping. It was like I was going to lossose control and my body would act upon its own accord to get what it needed at any moment.

Suddenly, Randy jerked away from me, snapping me out of my crazed thoughts, the pain in my mouth finally receding.

“Ow,” he said, putting his hand to his bottom lip. “I think you just bit me.” This made me chuckle I can imagine me doing something like that...

Randy pulled his hand away from his lip and with it came blood. As The scarlet liquid caught the light and the beautiful aroma filled my nostrils, causing all my pleasure points to buzz, I realized what the burning desire inside of me was. I needed blood. The only thing that I wanted to do was sink my teeth into my lover’s luscious flesh and drink the enticing liquid that flowed within.

But instead of giving into my biggest desire, I turned from my potential snack and dug through my purse. I could not believe the needs that I was feeling. This sounded a bit awkward. Try rephrasing it? I could not be a vampire, it was not possible, I hadn’t been bitten by anything.

Finally, my hand touched what I was looking for: my compact. I quickly flipped it open and, after a moment of hesitation, barred my teeth. But, No need for the comma here. instead of there being normal, or here. human teeth, there was a sharp set of fangs half an inch long. In a panic, I quickly snapped the compact closed. I thought for a moment, debating whether I should look again to see if I was wrong, knowing that I wasn’t.

“Oh, Kari,” Randy called in a sing-song voice.

Absentmindedly, I turned to look at him. His appearance had drastically changed; his eyes a blood-red color and his fingernails long and yellowed. On his head, peaking through his black hair were two horns. A thin tail whipped back and forth behind him. He smiled at me, showing me razor-sharp teeth, which glistened with a mixture of saliva and poison. I liked this description!

Then, he attacked.

Overall
This was pretty good! I really liked some of your descriptions, especially the last one I highlighted. Although, I did notice a few things tha you could improve on.

You have a tendency to stretch out your sentences. This can get kind of annoying for the reader after a while. It makes them cry. Not really... Anyway! All that you need to do is cut some sentences in half, giving the reader a chance to breathe more often!

Also, even though this was well written, I wasn't too keen on it as a first paragraph. The opening paragraph has to draw the reader in. It has to make them want to dance around their bedroom in excitement. I would have liked to gotten to know your MC better. What does she look like? Is she a happy person? Is she a negative person? How did she meet her boyfriend? You just need to explain a bit more, I think. It would make me smile.

Except for these little issues, I really liked this! I liked how you made the guy vampire evil for a change as well. I'm so fed up of gorgeous, loving vampire guys. I mean, come on. Vampires kill people; face it.

If you would like another review, just post and ask in my Will Review For Food thread. Or just click on the link in my signature

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there Dragnet,

Tanya here for a review!

But the desire inside of me was unsatisfied, no matter what I did. It was unlike any other need that I had felt before. It was like a hunger, but I was not hungry. It was a thirst, and yet I was not thirsty. My body screamed for something but I had no idea what it was, I had no way to satisfy it; and the pain in my mouth just kept growing until I felt like screaming. My control, I felt, was slipping, it was like I was going to loss control and my body would act upon its own accord to get what it needed at any moment.

I like this description, it flows nicely.

When at first your character felt pain in her mouth, I groaned thinking, "Not another vampire story" but you surprised me. The story intrigues me but I must agree with everyone Skins said before me. Your sentences are too long and they drag on. I found the first paragraph was too much. Pick your best sentences and cut the rest (keep the one Skins liked, I like it too and it's beautiful).

What I did not like was her quick acceptance that she was a Vamp, and that actually that's what her first thought was. You said that 'Randy jerked away the pain receded in her mouth'. Why? Because he wasn't putting pressure on her mouth or because her teeth receded? If the latter, then she shouldn't have seen them in her mirror.

But you see, it bothers me that she would think right away, wait, I can't be a vampire, I wasn't bitten! Not: wait, what? Fangs, and all means I'd be a . .. but wait, they don't exist! (she is proven wrong, of course, when her bf attacks her but still, it should be her first thought. Unless, like in True blood, they are a regular every day thing).

Those were my thoughts on this chapter. I'd really like for you to pm me for the next chapter, I really do find this story interesting and I'm eager to find out how it develops.

Keep writing!
Tanya

dragnet wrote:I softly kissed him softly. I don't know why, but it just sounds less awkward this way around. His lips pressed back against mine and I could just feel the love You've got "love" again in the sentence after, and it feels faintly repetitive to me. As it fits better in the next sentence, perhaps you should find a synonym for this one. radiating off of him and into me. His love pulsed down, deep into my heart, radiating Again, watch your repetition. It can get boring to the reader. Try another word for "radiating". "Spreading"? into my soul, lighting the darkest parts of my being. My heart changed its beat to match his and our fingers intertwined as our lips moved as though they had a mind of their own. My heart grew inside my chest until it felt as though it was going to burst and pounding against my ribs as though it was about to leap forth. Sorry, I grew bored of the "and"s, plus I felt like it made your sentence drag on a little too much. Which is a shame, 'cause you've got some great imagery going on. I can really tell how your MC feels.We had only been together a week now, but I believed it safe to say that I loved him.

Randy and I were behind the school, our favorite place to be together. Most lovers went to the woods that surrounded our school and since the parking lot and security cameras were on the other side of the building, we were safe from prying eyes. Seems a bit info-dumpish, and doesn't really tie in with what's going on at the moment. Perhaps you could show us this later on, rather than tell us now. For example, she could look around to make sure no one saw her bite him, and then see no one was there. While at the same time showing us her surroundings to us. So I'd scrap this paragraph and pepper it in later on.

We continued to kiss, Randy slowly moving his hand up my leg. An aching pain started on the gum line of my mouth, but I ignored it. Randy moved his hand farther up my leg and the pain grew in my mouth. But with this pain came a strong desire The two commas you had there weren't needed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my body closer to his. Randy wrapped Another word for "wrapped" please! (: his arms tightly around my waist to pull me even closer. But my desire was not satisfied so I kissed him more furiously then before, the pain mounting in my mouth every time my lips brushed against his.

But the desire inside of me was unsatisfied, no matter what I did. It was unlike any other need that I had felt before. It was like a hunger, but I was not hungry. It was a thirst, and yet I was not thirsty. My body screamed for something but I had no idea what it was, I had no way to satisfy it; and the pain in my mouth just kept growing until I felt like screaming. My control, I felt, was slipping. It was like I was going to loss lose control Find another word for "control"! and my body would act upon its own accord to get what it needed at any moment. Wow. Aside from those two things, this paragraph is amazing. I completely get what you're trying to express, and well, it's just amazing... (:

Suddenly, Randy jerked away from me, snapping me out of my crazed thoughts. The pain in my mouth finally receded.

“Ow,” he said, putting his hand to his bottom lip. “I think you just bit me.”

Randy pulled his hand away from his lip and with it came blood. As the scarlet liquid caught the light and the beautiful aroma filled my nostrils, causing all my pleasure points to buzz, I realized what the burning desire inside of me was. I needed blood. The only thing that I wanted to do was sink my teeth into my lover’s luscious flesh I love this. The alliteration especially. and drink the enticing liquid that flowed within.

But instead of giving into my biggest desire, I turned from my potential snack and dug through my purse. I could not believe the needs "Needs"? Could you perhaps revise this? It's a little awkward and confusing. that I was feeling. I could not be a vampire, it was not possible, I hadn’t been bitten by anything. Erm, wouldn't she be a little more hysterical than that? She has a raging desire for blood and wants to eat her boyfriend. I'd be a little less calm.

Finally, my hand touched what I was looking for: my compact. I quickly flipped it open and, after a moment of hesitation, barred my teeth. Wouldn't she try to feel them with her tongue first? Then not believe what she feels? But that comma wasn't needed instead of there being normal, human teeth, there was a sharp set of fangs half an inch long. In a panic, I quickly snapped the compact "shut" will have more of that snap feel than the long and slow "closed". closed. I thought for a moment, debating whether I should look again to see if I was wrong, knowing that I wasn’t.

“Oh, Kari,” Randy called in a sing-song voice.

Absentmindedly, I turned to look at him. His appearance had drastically changed; his eyes a blood-red color and his fingernails long and yellowed. On his head, peaking through his black hair were two horns. A thin tail whipped back and forth behind him. He smiled at me, showing me razor-sharp teeth, which glistened with a mixture of siliva saliva and poison.

Then, he attacked.

So he's a devil? Ha, that's quite ironic seeing as he was "lighting the darkest parts of (her) being". Now she's been infected with evil through kissing? I find that pretty funny, and my PSHE teacher from years back would have loved this. (:

A few parts need work on, and a few are perfect. I went through this with my extra-MASSIVE magnifying glass for you, so if it looks like there's a lot of orange, that's just me at my pickiest. So don't stress. (:

Repetition
This really did stick out to me. I get it, you've written a word that you feel explains it perfectly. You move on to the next description and find you can't get anything but that super-amazing but now super-annoying word out of your head. We've all suffered from it. Are you writing this on Word? If so, if you right click, you'll see a synonyms option. It's my not-so-secret cheat. ;D

Sentence Length
Looking at the other reviews, I see I'm not the only one who feels you sentence lengths need to be shortened. Be ruthless! Cut back anything and everything that can be cut back. Don't be thinking "oh, but that part explains blah blah so well..." or "that word conveys blah blah so brilliantly...". I too suffer from this, much to my annoyance.
Most of run-ons were caused by you adding on another part that could easily be another sentence. So don't worry about splitting it off into its own thing.

Imagery/Expressing Emotions
Do. Not. Change. A. Single. Simile. Or. Metaphor.
They were positively wonderful. Particularly in your first paragraph. Oh, and the way you expressed how she was feeling within that forth paragraph especially ...a-mazing. If I haven't already mentioned that word... (:

The Ending
That's great, too. It certainly surprised me. So here I was thinking she was going to pounce on him... There's not much more to say, other than I can't wait to see the next part. So I'm going to end this review and go take a look now.

Happy writing!

~EmmaJane~