Nyx's Children, Part 1

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This is the first draft of my three or four part story and I have to type really fast now because my computer keeps reloading this page and erasing everything I have. I didn't try to use the italics because I can never get them to work, but as soon as I figure it out I PROMISE to use them.
READ, CRITIQUE, AND ENJOY! :D :elephant:
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PART ONE
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The vampires lounged lazily in their dark cave, seemingly unaware of the danger surrounding them. They were confident enough in their abilities that they thought the witches outside the cave were not a threat. One vampire, a young girl of about fourteen with long blonde hair that just barely reached her elbows, and green eyes that were dulled by boredome, stood from where she’d been sitting on the floor, “Are we just going to sit here all night? Aren’t we going to do something?” She asked frustratedly.

Another vampire, one of the few males, looked at her with contempt, “You want us to do something? We needn’t do anything. The witches have fooled themselves into thinking they can fight us, but we all know it’s a lie.” He looked to dozen or so others, and was rewarded with nods and murmured sounds of agreement.

The girl’s eyes hardened, she clearly didn’t want to just sit around and do nothing, “But don’t you want to have a little fun? We’ve been sitting here doing nothing since sundown!”

“Bethany-” the male began, but was cut off by another voice.

“Be quiet, Adrian, I want to here what she has to say.” Adrian glared at the person who interrupted him, a tall woman with dark hair and eyes so dark there was seemed to be no difference between iris and pupil. She strode to where Bethany was standing and all the vampires straightened up a bit as she passed by, “Tell me what you think we should do, Bethany.”

Bethany’s eyes widened, as if she wasn’t used to being noticed by the woman, but she kept her head high and started to explain her plan.

“Well, for starters, I was thinking we could get something to eat.” Bethany grinned evilly, and her eyes darted toward the yawning cave entrance outside of which the witches were hiding.

The woman smiled, she seemed to know just what Bethany meant. “And how are you going to go about catching this snack? We’re surrounded by the witches.”

Now Bethany grinned even wider, showing her needle-sharp canines in the process. “You see that one over there?” She pointed to the entrance of the cave. At first glance there didn’t seem to be anything unusual outside, but when looked over a second time you could see a man crouching in front of a tree. He was bare chested and covered in camouflage so he would blend into the thick forest better, he was camouflaged so well that he looked as if he was a part of the tree, but that didn’t make him invisible. Even if he did use magic to hide himself there were ways to see around it.

“I see him.” The woman answered, she was speaking to Bethany but she never once took her eyes of the forest-man. Recognition had flickered in her eyes and died as quickly as it had appeared, and it made Bethany continue with slight hesitation.

“I was thinking we could start with him.” She said, “Adrian and I can create a diversion while the others attack him.”

The woman didn’t seem to be swayed toward Bethany’s plan. “Witches are very hard to wound much less drink from. How would you get past the spells?” She questioned.

Bethany didn’t seem to notice that the older woman wasn’t going along with her plan. “I won’t.” She said smugly, “You will.”

The other vampires were on their feet within seconds, including Adrian, this sounded like a challenge, and they all knew this challenge wouldn’t end in Bethany’s favor.

The woman’s regal features hardened, “Why would I do such a thing?” She asked. “Because you told me to? You? A vampire younger than one hundred years is hardly worth my time. You’re practically a fledgling!” She laughed and the others joined in, but Bethany still held on to her smug smile.

The woman calmed herself eventually, but the others continued to howl in amusement until a glare from her caused them to stop suddenly. She flicked her long hair over her shoulder, “So tell me, Bethany, why would I follow your order?”

Bethany acted as if she hadn’t just been treated as if she were worth nothing more than dirt and picked up right were she left off. “You’ll do it,” she spoke slowly, wanting everything to sink in, “because I saw the way you looked at him.” All eyes were on Bethany now as she spoke, “You know him but won’t admit it, and you wouldn’t want us to think your fraternizing with the enemy. That would be bad.” As she said this she pulled something out of the cloak she was wearing; something long that smelled like an oak tree.

Bethany pulled it all the way out of her cloak for the whole coven to see. They all gasped in horror, it was a stake. A stake made of oak. Stakes made of oak were lethal to vampires, and they did their best to make sure no oak trees grew around their cave. Any other stake would’ve paralyzed them, but oak kills vampires.

The woman took a step back; she hadn’t expected this, “Bethany! What do you think you’re going to do with that?” She’d regained her cool composure, but maintained a safe distance from her, as did the others.

Bethany twirled the stake in her hands, “I will kill you with it if necessary, and it will become necessary if we don’t feed soon. You’ve kept us in here for long enough. You need to start acting like the leader I thought you were and lead the fight against these intruders!” She was yelling in frustration now, “We can’t continue to starve because you’re afraid of hurting your friend out there!” She gestured to forest-man, “Are you going to lead us, or do I have to take matters into my own hands?” Bethany gripped the stake with white knuckles.

The woman smiled; knowing what Bethany wanted had relaxed her and she was now ready to take the next step. She moved toward the girl with the grace of a jungle cat and gently took the stake out of Bethany’s grasp. She then turned and faced her coven.

“Young Bethany is right, my children, we have lingered long enough. It is time we fight for what is ours.” She raised the stake in the air, “In the name of Nyx and all her children I declare war on the pests who hunt us!” She yelled as she finished and grinned maliciously, “Are you with me?”

Each vampire looked at one another and smiled viciously, “We are with you, Lady of Night!” They yelled, “In the name of Nyx let us cleanse our land free of the vermin!”

The woman turned and lead her coven into the darkness of night. It was not long before shouts of pain and animalistic snarls erupted from the silence. The Forest Nymphs awakened from their slumber, as did their cousins of Water, the Fey, the werewolves, and other creatures of magic. The War had begun
Last edited by aspiringyoungwriter on Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster




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I liked this very much. It is very good, with just enough mystery and what is going on to keep people reading but not enough to make them say I have no idea what is happening. I like it very much and so please PM me when the next part comes out. Thank you and keep writing and working on it!
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




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That's a really good start you have got there as it all seems to tie in together. I like the fact that you have taken a point of view from the ones who are trapped so if you wanted you could have what I call spilt chapters where you see the same situation from other peoples views. I find it helps people see why things are done and is a simple way to show different sides to the stories. A real good author who uses this technique in quite a of her books is Trudi Canavan so if you don't quite understand what I'm saying sh worth looking up if your wanting to do something like that.

Also some of the terms in here work well together like younger vampires being call fledglings as those who have read other books like the house of night will see the connection and I am really glad you used it. I also like fact that it's vampires v.s witches and not werewolves as it makes the story different especially since you have connected a link between vampires and Nyx. So I am thinking it would be a good idea that the witch's have there own equivalent so if you need one you can always use Hecate Goddess of witchcraft and Magic if you want to do that.

Overall I think it's gonna be a brilliant story to read and you dont have to do anything I suggested as I just babble a lot. Please can you send me a PM when you have more as I would love to see how the story goes.

XxXDustyDustXxX




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Even though I am not too fond of vampire stories I did however get caught up in this one. You kept the pace pretty well and I stayed involved through the story until the end. I'm also pleased that you didn't have them fighting only werewolves as it would have reminded me too much of Twilight. Good for you on making it interesting. !

-Thumbs up-



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