A Paragraph of the week.

I always knew it was a dream of my older sisters to visit Italy, but I did not know how to get the money for her to do that by tomorrow. Finally giving up and going to make Christmas cards, I walked outside on my balcony. The moon light was beautiful, like nothing, I have ever seen, and the stars were perfectly set around the wonderful moon. Smiling, I saw a shooting star fly-y across the night sky and I wished that my sister could visit Italy tomorrow along with me. Coming down stairs the next morning, I came to find my dearest sister just opening my present. Hoping my wish had possibly came true, I ran by her side while she opened it. She looked at me with a graceful smile and I smiled back. Taking a hold of the card, it had a note inside that said to look in the zipper pocket on the white teddy bear I had also gotten her. Not remembering writing that, I followed her to the fuzzy bear and looked over my sisters’ shoulder, which found two plane tickets to Italy along with money! After plugging my ears while she screamed and hugged me repeatedly, we were off to the airport.




This was for school.

I (had)always known that it was a dream of my older sister to visit Italy, but I never knew how to get the money for her to do that by tomorrow(1).

Finally, after giving up and making Christmas cards, I walked outside on my balcony.(2)

The moonlight was beautiful, like nothing I had ever seen; the stars were perfectly set around the wonderful moon(sky?).

Smiling, I saw a shooting star fly across the night sky and I wished that my sister could visit Italy tomorrow along with me.(3)

Coming down stairs the next morning, I came to findfound my dearest sister just opening my present (her present from me). Hoping my wish had possibly came true, I ran(knelt) by her side (and watched) while (as) she opened it.

She looked at me with a graceful smile and I smiled back. Taking a hold of the card, it had a note inside that said to look in the zipper pocket on the white teddy bear I had also gotten her. I found a note: "Look in the pocket of the bear.(4)

Not remembering writing that,(I didn't remember writing that.)

I followed my sister to the fuzzy bear and looked over her shoulder to find two plane tickets to Italy along with money!

After plugging my ears while she screamed(I plugged my ears as she screamed) and (she) hugged me repeatedly. We were off to the airport.

1.) This sentence marked an awkward tense change between past and present while anticipating the future.

2.) Try to work on logical progression. Not every sentence needs to be in the "Screaming, she..." or "After I ate, I swam" forms.

3.) First, when you mention the subject of a sentence in the beginning of the sentence, it's not necessary to repeat the subject again when another action is being done... Second was the tense change again. Watch the time words!

4.) This correction wasn't necessary, but it adds flare and voice to your writing. It's better for storytelling than cut-and-dry telling what happened from your point of view. Don't be afraid of dialogue. (:

Hello!
Thank you for the second review, very encouraging!

Ok, so here goes:
Seeing as Lumierre already pointed out the nitpicks, I won't bother with those.
This is a very sweet paragraph, but it does need a bit of tweaking.

Firstly, the MC seems a bit flat. I know it's hard to fit personality into a short paragraph, but it is possible. I do detect a bit of their person, but you have to make sure to expand that, make it really shine through.

Finally giving up and going to make Christmas cards, I walked outside on my balcony.

See here? It's good; the 'finally' shows that the MC is a determined person. A few more clues like that and it'll be perfect

Secondly, I want to know more about the sister.

She looked at me with a graceful smile and I smiled back.

I like this; it shows her gracefulness. However, I think more description is necessary: what does she look like? What makes her the MC's 'dearest sister'? I'm not looking for big details, just clues: maybe she cancelled plans with friends to be with the MC that day?

I know there's only so much you can fit in a paragraph, so good job on what you've done anyway.

Keep on writing!

~Lilicia