Darling, Drink

I really liked this. This is one of those that I read twice in a row, not because it was confusing, but because it was so good.

I liked the metaphors in the second stanza and I also liked how the first stanza had short lines compared to the rest. I usually don't like when the stanzas vary too much in length but I definitely think it works here.

I can't wait for you forever, and the
ivory of your skin is keeping me awake at night

This was my favorite line.


The only nitpick I have is the way the end of the third stanza runs into the fourth with the same sentence. I've never seen that done before, but I also haven't read much poetry so that may be just fine.

This is definitely liked!!
-Brainy

Wow. That's all I have to say. I loved the feeling of the words on my mouth and the sounds mixing together, and I loed the poem as a whole. Short and intoxicatingly sweet; fabulous job.

This was pretty amazing, the best poem I've heard!(:
Keep up the good work!

I really loved the first two stanzas: the rhythm is great, and the words flow nicely.

However it weakens from there on: the third stanza still works, but it doesn't sound quite as smoothly.

I'm melting in your

onyx black lipstick smeared across my
chest and your teeth dig trenches down my
veins; I can't wait for you forever, and the
ivory of your skin is keeping me awake at night
Oh, so darling, drink--

drink to our soul's content.

Here the transition from the third stanza to the fourth is awkward: you go from the lipstick (and I'm assuming a kiss is happening here) to the chest, and I'm wondering how and when exactly it got there. Also, 'onyx black' is, in this case, overkill: it weights down your sentence, makes it clunkier.

Finally, the 'our' in the final line seems displaced, because you've been addressing that single person all along but now are suddenly including the narrator into it, which seems sudden and somewhat jarring.

Great work though. Hope this helped =)

I'm going to start with what I find easiest first.

I'm melting in your

onyx black lipstick smeared across my

The line break there is a bit bad, if you made it: I'm melting/in your onyx black..ect.ect. It could give a bit of a double effect, as the they merge to one, you get hit by the idea of it effecting you individually and then hitting you with her onyx black etc etc. You know what I mean?

In your first stanza, the --Oh drink thing, I didn't like it too much. You're talking about breathing and seething, then falling apart and then oh drink? That sort of ruined the actions and images in a way. I cannot see someone breathing and drinking at the same time. (and surviving at least)

That's all I really got in the way of actual help. So good job.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
(forgive the crappy review.) Lol.

Hello Stranger.

I really love this. My only problem was that I wasn't sure if this was just about two people or a vampire and a man. Other than that, I love it but there's not really much else to nitpick. I've already clicked 'like'. The flow was pretty good. There were some minor hiccups but not every poem is perfect. The imagery was interesting, but brilliant.

Thanks for the beautiful poetry, Lumi.

~Scarling. (lol)

Lovely little lurking thing we got here. Lyrical, pretty, concise... but too easy. This is easy to write. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't.

"Darling, drink;
seethe and breathe and
fall apart at the
seams, oh drink--"

None of those are particularily related to drinking, and they are all easy rhymes. So is breed. You could have said that and it would have worked too. Or breed the need to fall apart at the seams, and then drink, because the need to bleed works before the wound seethes and... LOOK.

Connected words like that is easy. The skill comes in making that a layout for your whole poem, which you don't do.

"Drink until we're dead;
your ghost holds my hand
and as we dig deeper into the
sand and waves, the clouds overhead,
they say "Sink. Sink. Sink." "

Waves and sand, if you want it to end rhythmically as well. Let's focus on any one image here and expand. Why? It's emotionally dead, like a doornail, or plaigarism.

your ghost holds my hand

your ghost holds my hand like a memory

your ghost holds my hand like a memory of waves and sand

your ghost holds my hand like a memory of waves or sand sinking

All of this implies a greater feeling. The ghost hold your hand like a memory, or a child, or... an empty ship! From there you could make wooden used metaphor, and then... SINK IT!

"Savor this lust on my lips, darling
and keep your eyes where my
hands move. Can you taste the
blood on my tongue, sweetness?
I'm melting"

That stanza sucked. You're sinking and melting and drunk and great. This part is not redeemable to be honest. Sounds like bad Fallout Boy lyrics. People will like it for that reason, but those people like it because they're searching for very simple validation. Captivating the masses is not hard at all.

"in your black lipstick smeared across my
chest and your teeth dig trenches down my
veins; I can't wait for you forever, and the
ivory of your skin is keeping me awake at night
Oh, so darling, drink--

drink to your soul's content. "

Yepp.

So, pop song lyrics? Sure. Poetry? Carry a metaphor.

Awesome poem. The tittle really caught my attention.I loved the third stanza.

This is a fairly good poem. But I'm going to explain why it's not a great poem.

The first thing I notice is the form/structure of the poem. The lines start off small, with rhymes scattered throughout. But as the poem goes on, the lines grow longer and the rhyming stops. I'm not here to say way you're doing that, but it would be more metaphorical/symbolic if you made that 3rd stanza longer from a horizontal perspective. Just long enough to be wider than the 2nd stanza. And keep up the internal rhymes at random intervals; it really helps make the poem.

Second, I want to address the 3rd stanza as a whole. Like most critical reviewers here, this is where the poem took a steep nosedive towards the border of "Melodramatic-ville" and "Crowd-Pleaser-town". It does nothing for the poem, and only serves as a way to titillate the 12-year-old reader and serve as a way to use that "I'm melting/in your..." line break (which is pretty cool, by the way).

Finally, I'm getting lost in the abstractness of this poem, particularly in the 2nd stanza. You have this dark, vampiric feel throughout the poem (which, in retrospect, may have been why stanza 3 was there, but if that's the reason it's there, get rid of it). Yet here you talk about sand and waves and clouds and sinking, and I just don't get it. Try playing around with the words to keep the meaning you were going for, but have it still be in the blood-drinking, dark, vampire metaphor.

Other than that, I feel it's fine.