Tears of Fire CH 2 Part 2

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*Wherever you see the narrative switch to first person that is a character's thoughts*

Everything ended as quickly as it had begun, leaving the motionless animals' coats drenched with ice and singed by fire around Eitan and the two animals. He gaped in awe as brilliant light illuminated the field. The ambiance switched from dark and stormy to peaceful and sunny. The temperature was no longer chaotic; it was now like that of the dawn of spring. Every animal that was not involved in the spectacle was stone still.

From above his head came the flutter of wings and bird calls. Thousands of small gliding shadows gleamed on the once again smooth, glassy surface of the water. Eitan looked up and saw flocks of birds so numerous they blotted out the luminous light. The birds hovered over the field for a moment, then they swooped down like fighter planes.

Eitan ducked down, afraid one would land on his head. Faster than he could take a breath, hundreds of birds landed on and around the lifeless animals. They ducked their heads over them and began to feed on their flesh. Soon thousands of birds were gorging on the dead animals. While the birds were eating away at the carcasses lying at the gazelle and birds feet, the other animals were moving around uneasily.

The gazelle and bird were nipping at the animals' claws, beaks, and teeth, ripping them away from the animals. Such a sickening sight should have repulsed him, but he was strangely captivated.
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Andrew stared at the motionless eagle on his shoulder. When he poked the side of its head it didn't take a snap at him. He pulled his finger back, which were moist with the birds oils. Andrew concentrated on the eagle, not wanting to watch the disturbing scene of the dead animals being eaten. The air was foul with the stench of the dead animals that smelled as if they had baked in the sun for days. Every time he inhaled he had to fight the urge to vomit.

He held his breath. His head began to swirl with dizziness as he continued to hold it in. I actually need to breath in this dream! He let out the breath he was holding in and inhaled deeply. The smell of the dead was gone, replaced by something like burning. Andrew had worked around automobiles for a long time, learning their schematics, and the smell reminded him of gasoline. Andrew couldn't compute what he saw next. The gazelle and bird had somehow started small fires using the claws, beaks, and teeth of the animals that had attacked them.

He had heard of strange animal behaviors, but this was insane. Small mammals were burying pieces of the dead animals before the birds could get to them. It was like a sick competition, using the dead as the game pieces.

With a neigh, the winged horse launched itself into flight. It dropped down like a bomb on the back of a tiger. With the sickening crackle of bone, the tiger collapsed. It wasn't just the flying horse alone that went into a feral frenzy. The entire field had become a war zone.

The trees blazed and bathed the filed in orange and red light. Andrew cried out when one began to shake violently, until it finally snapped. It fell sideways onto another tree. The other tree, which also blazed like a torch, strained to support the fallen one. The eagle on Andrews shoulder spread its wings and chirped its eagle cry and flew into battle. This wasn't a dream anymore. It was a nightmare four times over! Andrew dove to the ground as a falcon flew like a bullet in his direction.
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As quickly as Chloe had to do duck she had to roll out of the way of a charging bison. Her face was inches from a body of water, where the monstrous grin of a crocodile greeted her from below the surface. It opened its jaws, revealing its yellowed teeth. The tip of its snout broke the surface of the water. If pinching herself in a dream hurt, how would a crocodile chomping a piece of her face off feel?

If the crocodile launched itself out of the water there would be nothing she could do. Chloe could only hope she woke up from this nightmare before that happened. The crocodile unhinged its jaws and breathed on her face. Then its jaws were snapped shut by a feathered torpedo. It thrashed, trying in vain to knock the bird off its head.

"Stop hurting each other!" she cried. The bald eagle had its talons sunk into the crocodile’s eyes and pinned it underwater. Chloe hated violence and everything that led to it. "Look out eagle!" The devilish winged horse was a blur as it galloped toward the two struggling animals.

Chloe bounced to her feet and dodged sideways. The eagle had no time to react. It shrieked as it was thrown off the crocodile with a savage hoofed kick. By the laws of physics the eagle should have been killed on impact. Instead the eagle flew out of the way and vanished the crowd of animals. The winged horse neighed at her. It's a chollima, she realized.

One of the chollima’s wings was thrust to its side like they had been forced their by a ghost. The eagle had its beak and talons deeply imbed in its left wing. Black fluid oozed from the chollima’s wounds. An army of big cats, wolves, along with water creatures skimming the water surface, were stampeding toward the fray. Chloe didn't want to watch the outcome, but she had no choice.

She ran in between the animals toward the tree line. She sprang out of the path of an elephant as it fell with a thud where she had been a fraction of a second earlier. She ducked her head as a dragon swung a deer clamped in it's jaws like a rag doll. Its distress call was pain beyond pain. A snow leopard jumped over her head and sunk its claws into a wolf. The wolf heaved its muscular shoulders violently, knocking the leopard off. As the white leopard lashed out with a paw the wolf lunged forward and snapped down on the leopard’s throat.

As she ran through the frenzy, she could hear the leopard’s ferocious cries of pain. "Somebody wake me up!" Chloe imagined herself screaming in her sleep. Somebody please wake me up. I don't care by what means. Pour cold water on my face, take away my bed sheets, take the mattress out from underneath, maybe the boogeyman is real and he'll wake me up.

Chloe's dreams were always scary, but for reasons other people wouldn't understand. But this was something even fear itself would tremble at.
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This is an infinity amount of times more intense than any action movie. The essence of the dream was total anarchy. A leopard bared its teeth, growling at Andrew. It was a large ferocious cat that prowled the forests of the eastern world like a king. But now it was only a small fry in the ring. "What are you going to do now, kitty cat?" Andrew mocked, flashing it an obscene gesture. The leopard crouched down, it's muscles flexing as it prepared to spring. Before it's claws could dig into the ground, an enormous red tail side whopped it, hurling it into the air. The cat landed flat on his feet.

"Those cats always land on their feet don't they?" Andrew said. The Chinese dragon looked at him, it's nostrils flaring as if daring him to taunt it further. "So, Mr. Red, is the country you represent still communist?" The dragon flicked its tongue at him. It was long enough for it to have licked Andrews face. "I'm sorry, I guess you don't understand English."

A black bear rushed by and hit the dragon on the neck with a vicious paw swipe. The hair on the bear shook with the motion. The dragon roared in pain, belching flame. A stray jet of fire ignited part of Andrew's coat. Andrew could feel the intense heat and in panic rushed toward the nearest body of water. The flame continued to lick at his coat.

Andrew bent down next to a bottomless expanse of water and poured a palm full of water on the fire. It sizzled and burned out as the water drizzled over it. The coat was as good as new. A goat-like animal was being dragged into the water by a crocodile. The boat sized reptile belonged in the Nile, not in his dream.

The surface of the water foamed and bubbled as unseen animals fought underwater. "OOF!" he cried when something bumped him from behind. Then his face hit the water and he slowly sunk downward. Andrew exhaled in fright, bubbles coming from his mouth.

As he righted himself and kicked madly for the surface a dolphin swam by. His head finally broke the surface and he took in a gulp full of air. Another second and he feared he would have been dead in a dream. I almost drowned! This shouldn't be happening in a dream. The back of a grayish black, spike-ridged reptile broke the surface. Andrew yelped and with the stroke of a limb was at the edge of the abyss. He reached it and slithered onto the moist ground.

Andrew had no time to catch his breath, because a deer was limping on one badly mauled leg and threatened to fall on him. He crab-walked out of the way. The deer collapsed on the water’s edge, its stick-like feet kicking madly. Three of its feet grew still, the fourth twitching with violent spasms. It was a saddening sight.

"Mother fu-," Andrew said. A large tree was leaning in toward the field, its bark crackling.

The animals in the immediate area moved out of the way. The smoking tree snapped and it crashed to the ground. I have to get out of here. Andrew took one look at the trees and sprinted around the fighting animals. He was going to run away from this place and keep on running; the fires lighting the way.
Last edited by AspiringAuthorA..M. on Sat May 15, 2010 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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First of all, before I get into the load of corrections I have lined up, let me just say that this is a very good piece. What I liked most was the imagery. It was very vivid and alive, almost like it was jumping out of the page.

I noticed several little snags in the grammatical aspects. For one, some sentences lack commas, especially those with clauses.
Like these:
Andrew concentrated on the bird not wanting to watch the disturbing scene of the dead animals being eaten.
Comma after 'bird'.

Andrew had worked around automobiles for a long time learning their schematics and the smell reminded him of gasoline.
Comma after 'time'.

It opened its jaws revealing its teeth.
Comma after 'jaws'.

It thrashed about trying in vain to knock the bird off its head.
Comma after 'about'.

The wolf thrashed knocking the leopard off.
Comma after 'thrashed'.

The leopard crouched down into a pristine position preparing to spring.
Comma after 'position'.

Before it claws could dig into the ground an enormous red tail side whopped it sending it hurling into the air.
I think it should be 'its claws' and 'side-whopped'. Comma before 'hurling'.

The Chinese dragon looked at him its nostrils flaring as if daring him to taunt it further.
Comma after 'looked at him'.

"So Mr. Red is the country you represent still communist?"
Commas before and after 'Mr. Red'.

The dragon roared in pain belching flame.
Comma after 'pain'.

Also, I noticed some words that are lacking hyphens.
A goat like animal was being dragged into the water by a crocodile. The boat sized reptile belonged in the Nile not in his dream!
goat-like; boat-sized

The back of a grayish black spiky ridged reptile broke the surface.

Comma after 'black'. spiky-ridged.

He crab walked out of the way. The deer collapsed on the water’s edge, its stick like feet kicking madly.
crab-walked; stick-like

Everything ended as quickly as it had begun, leaving the motionless animal's coats drenched with ice and...
Isn't it that there are lots of dead animals? If so, then it should be written as animals'.

The gazelle and bird were nipping at the animal’s claws, beaks, and teeth, ripping them away from the animals.
Isn't it that there are also lots of birds?

He held his breath. His head began to swirl with dizziness as he continued to hold his breath.
These two sentences end in the same words so it's a tad redundant.

It may seem like I made your work look pretty bad with all the corrections but trust me when I say that it's really just minor, almost inconsequential details and this has fewer mistakes than what I've read before. What you've written is great! Keep up the good work!




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Wow. Thank you so much, and I apologize. I sometimes forget to check my stories to see if they've received reviews. :)

I'll see that what you've pointed out is addressed now. ;)

Oh, I see why I didn't know about this review, my work was moved to the Fantasy novels page by a mod. We really should be notified of these things. :(
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden