After reading it, I thought of something. I was going to edit it, but still use the same concept/plot or whatever you want to call it. It's a bit long because so was the original, and I've kept the plot the same so... yeah.
The original version of this was placed in the short stories forum, so I assumed I had to post this version here as well. It's actually a random chapter, so some parts may seem slightly confusing; sorry about that. Just try and concentrate on the structure, descriptions, concept e.t.c.
To be honest, I mostly want you to compare it with the original!This is the old version, by the way. It will be a lot better if you skim through this. If not, it would be good if you needed a laugh
Original Version
Sighing heavily, I dropped myself onto the small leather sofa. Jamie was sat next to me and the second I sat down, he glared at me. Sheesh, I hadn’t even done anything. Yet.
Rolling my eyes at Jamie’s reaction, I switched on my iPod. I think that Jamie may have been talking to me, I wasn’t really interested though. He’d only be insulting the way I’ve dressed for school. I grinned as an idea popped into my head.
"I took her out, it was a Friday night. I walk alone to get the feeling right. We started making out and she took off my pants." I sang loudly.
"Shut up," Jamie sighed. "You are so annoying, it's unbelievable.
I couldn’t help but smile at his sombre reaction. Trying to ignore me, Jamie began concentrating on the television. I simply continued singing, which resulted in Jamie complaining. Although, the only two words he was actually saying were shut up. He didn’t expand his vocabulary very well, not for a smart guy anyway.
Gritting his teeth, Jamie grabbed one of the pillows. He then smacked it across my head, his eyes narrow with annoyance.
"What's wrong Jay? Don't like Blink 182 do you?" I laughed.
"Shut up!" He said for the fourth time.
"Do you know any words other than shut up?" I smiled.
Muttering something under his breath, Jamie stood up. He walked out of the living room rather unhappy, obviously.
Laughing to myself, I turned off my iPod and simply sat back and relaxed. I liked being on my own, it helped me think. I would be off to school in a few minutes, much to my annoyance. School was pointless for me. It only involved a load of stuck up teachers who thought that they knew everything.
"Dougie, are you coming to school?" I heard Zoey suddenly say.
I looked at the doorway. Zoey was standing there, her dark blonde hair tied back into a high ponytail at the top of her head.
"Yeah," I replied, grabbing my navy school bag.
It was a pleasant day. The morning sun peeped through the gaps between the houses, creating large shadows that scattered across the ground. The sky was a soft blue colour and the only clouds to be seen were pure white. As the three of us were walking down the drive, we noticed that the house across the street had a truck outside. Someone must be moving in, I thought, looking at the vehicle.
"I wonder where Miss Morris is moving to. I'll miss her, she was nice." Jamie said as the three of us paused outside the house.
"Nice?" I exclaimed. "Dude, she threatened to batter me over the head with a rake... that ain’t nice!"
Ignoring me, Jamie flicked his dark brown fringe out of his eyes and continued walking along the pavement. Everything I did seemed to annoy him. There was no pleasing some people, honestly.
"Who do you think is moving in?" Zoey said, observing the house carefully.
"I'll go and have a look," I shrugged, opening the front garden gate.
I threw my school bag onto the floor as I headed down the garden pathway. I could hear Zoey calling after me as I did so.
"Dougie, you can't walk into some one's house!" She said quickly.
"Technically they ain't moved in yet." I winked.
Jamie was out of the street now. He was so paranoid about school, it was unbelievable. As I got closer to the house, I noticed that the door was open. Looking inside the house, I realised that whoever was moving in clearly had a lot of money. The house was decorated with modern, perfectly cleaned items.
I couldn't see anyone inside, so I stepped into the doorway. Zoey waited nervously behind me, looking unsure.
"Come on," I turned around to face her. "It's not going to hurt us." I smiled taking her hand, and her, with me into the house.
We looked around the rooms on the bottom floor, but there didn't seem to be anyone around. Zoey and I carried on looking around the, what seemed to be, empty house. There were unopened boxes in most rooms, and a big pile of empty boxes in the hall. The house looked completely different to what it used to look like.
The walls used to match Miss Morris's taste in clothes; awful. There used to be horrible, tasteless floral patterns on the walls. It was easy to say that compared to what the house used to look like, what it looked like now was amazing. Most of the walls were white and the old, battered carpets of the house had been replaced by new, spotless ones.
I think that Zoey was thinking the same thing as me, because when I looked at her, her deep green eyes were wide with interest. There were plenty of boxes in each room, just no people. We gave up looking after ten minutes or so and headed back to the front door. As we were about to step out of the stylish house, a young woman carrying a child of about three bumped into us.
"Excuse me, who are you?" She asked narrowing her eyes and looking at us.
"Uh... we were just..." Zoey stammered.
"Sorry," I smiled sweetly. "I'd left my mobile in the house from when Miss Morris lived here. There was no one in the house, so we came in to see if we could find it. I need it for school, you see, so I needed to get it now." I lied.
The small woman in front of us continued staring, her eyes scanning our faces. She looked like a nice enough woman. She was dressed rather strangely though. She wore a long, gypsy-like skirt and a light pink knitted cardigan around her waist.
"Oh... okay." I think the woman finally believed me.
"I’m really sorry," I said, looking up at the wall where the clock was. "Damn, we're going to be late for school."
I took Zoey's hand and stepped out of the house quickly, as though I was in a rush. The woman had fallen for that quite easily.
"That was so close." Zoey sighed in relief.
The school day passed by pretty quickly, surprisingly. As I headed towards my English class, I was glad that the day was almost over. My usual teacher, Mrs. Thomas had suffered a mental breakdown or something, apparently. They were just rumours though, although it wouldn’t have surprised me if they were true. She did once start crying because she thought I was talking about her, after all.
Instead of Mrs. Thomas, we were going to have a substitute teacher. With any luck, they’d have no control over the class and we wouldn’t do any work for the next few months. We definitely wouldn’t if I had something to do with it, that was for sure.
Zoey must have know what I was thinking, because when we were waiting outside the class, she asked me something.
"You're not going to mess about this lesson are you?" She asked hopefully.
I simply grinned at her. Knowing what that meant, she groaned.
As the bell rang, Adam Evans unexpectedly came out of the classroom and told us to go inside. Adam Evans was the strictest, meanest teacher in the entire school. Unfortunately, I was not on his list of favourite students, at all.
Adam can’t be the new English teacher, I thought to myself. He teaches Maths. He’s too much of a saddo to teach any other subject. As I walked past him, he looked at me in disgust and I smiled sarcastically back. I was relieved when he said that the new English teacher would be here soon. We hadn't sat down yet because he'd told us to stand up by the wall, so he could tell us where to sit. It was stupid. He should've let us sit wherever we wanted to.
"Emma, you sit there." Adam said pointing to one of the seats at the back.
Emma did exactly as she was told and sat in the seat that Adam had pointed to. The whole class stared silently ahead of them, it was rather creepy. Adam continued calling out names, before pointing at the empty plastic seats.
"Jamie, Connor." Adam pointed at the seats next to Zoey and Emma.
I was next, but I had a pretty strong feeling that he wouldn't put me next to my friends.
"Parker." He frowned, turning to me.
"Adam." I winked at him.
"It's Mr. Evans to you." He growled.
Why were all teachers like that? Paranoid about their names? If I ever became a teacher, I would want the kids to call me by my first name.
"I know you have a bad name but you shouldn't hide it. Be proud." I said making the class laugh slightly. "And for the hundredth time, my name’s Dougie. I do have a first name, you know."
I tried not to laugh but I couldn't help it. My lips started curving upwards, which eventually resulted in me laughing; a lot.
"Do you want me to take you out of this lesson before it has even started?" Adam was shouting slightly. "There." He snapped, pointing to the empty chair that next to his daughter, Bethany Evans.
"You'll make sure he won't behave inappropriately wont you darling." He smiled at his daughter.
Bethany’s reply was a big, innocent grin.
I hated Bethany Evans. She was a decent looking girl, I'll give her that, but she was what you'd call a first class slag. Adam thought that Bethany is the best thing in the world. The second I sat down, Bethany's mouth automatically opened and a pointless load of noise came pouring out. Great, I shut my eyes and sighed.
Adam was being so unfair. He was letting everyone sit by their friends except for me. I had to sit by his slag of a daughter. Adam thought that everyone fancied his daughter, that was how great he thought she is. Once, he even went up to Jamie and told him to ask Bethany out because she needed a good, sensible boyfriend. Basically, he didn't want her ending up with someone like me. Jamie said he didn't want to ask her out, so I offered as a joke and he looked far from impressed.
A few minutes later, Bethany was still blabbering on about some rubbish. I was about to tell her to shut up when a man with stylish, auburn hair walked into the room.
"This is Mr. Davies." Adam introduced the teacher, before heading for the door and turning to face me. "Oh and by the way Parker, you've got detention with me for the rest of the week; starting this lunchtime." He then left the room.
"I bet he's fun at parties." Mr Davies joked in a strong, Welsh accent before winking at me.
His voice was so smooth, you couldn't help but relax completely after hearing it. His hair was the colour of shiny copper, and it was styled so fashionably that it made Adams awful hair look even worse than it already did. Although, that wasn't the first thing that I noticed about Mr. Davies.
It wasn't his strangely familiar smile either or the attractive brown freckles that were dotted all around his perfectly straight nose. Neither was it the strangely fashionable shirt and tie that he was wearing, the kind of things you wouldn't expect a comprehensive school teacher to wear. You could tell he was a happy man by simply looking at him. He looked so comfortable, so confident but this wasn't the first thing I noticed about him either. The first thing I noticed about him were his eyes.
They were a deep, almost magical looking blue. They were shaped almost perfectly, and they looked as though they were glistening. I wasn’t sure whether it was the light or not, but they certainly looked like were shining. I didn't feel amazed by them or think that they were beautiful, like everyone else. I was surprised, shocked even. Mr. Davies's eyes were exactly the same as mine. I’d never seen anyone with eyes like mine; Ever.
Thanks in advance,
xoxo Skins
