jackle wrote:“What happened?” I groaned. I didn’t expect an answer. I already knew that this was what happens when ‘civilized’ humans were left to rampage. “Time changes things,” Kasia replied. This part where Kasia is speaking should be in a new paragraph because the speaker changed. I looked at her but she wasn’t there anymore, in her place was a wolf. “And with time we change too,” the wolf said in Kasia’s voice.
jackle wrote:Everything here had changed over the years; the narrow paths we had worn through the trees were now wide and bare from over-use of other people. They were littered with rubbish that crows found meals in and huge sections of the bush had been burnt and were now black and bare. This part is well written and the description is enough for the reader to actually picture the scene, so good job on that.
jackle wrote:It was so unlike her. Other than her empty face she was the same; same army green cargo shorts, splattered with purple paint. Same black t-shirt saying ‘One tough cookie’. Same decrepit pink sneakers. Same hair style – up. Same black and purple Billabong hat. Can you guess what I'm getting at? You use the word "same" about six times in this paragraph as well as one more time in the first line of the next. I understand that you were trying to emphasize that Kasia hasn't changed, but you overused the word. One or two times is good, but more than that is exaggerated and the reader gets bored with the unvarying sentences.
