Just Listen

I look like an old woman, I thought as I peered in the mirror. Leaning further over the sink I looked closer into the glass. Maybe the fluorescent lights in this bathroom are bad. This place is all gray tiles. That can’t reflect prettily upon the skin. Those can’t be crow’s feet I thought. Are they? I took a step back. Well, that’s what happens when you work in the police force. Turns a 32-year-old woman into 50. Working as a detective in the Dewey Beach branch really wears you down after a while.

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of the pocket of my blazer as I pushed open the door to the restroom. I looked at the blinking screen and silently cursed.

“What is it this time Gosling? This better be legitimate and not like last time,” I said warningly. Gosling, my partner, had a desk downstairs and though he was great about pushing papers, he wasn’t exactly good at screening people.

“Um, well I think it’s legit,” came the voice on the other line, “There’s someone here who says they know some stuff about that girl that’s been missing.”

“The girl from the park?” I asked picking up my pace down the corridor and quickly turn into my office. I grab a binder and a pen and hurriedly go back into the hall.

“Yeah, the man down here says he can help us or something,” Gosling replied somewhat nervously.

I paused for a moment. “Gosling, are you sure this isn’t like the time when you said those quacks could help us and all they really were, were a couple of grannies wanting us to clean up their lawns because they swore on their husband’s graves that there was evidence about the Clark murder in the area?”

Nervous laughter ensued on the other line. I continued walking, headed towards the elevator.

“Well, this man here says he knew the girl personally. Like a grandpa, “Gosling said, “Totally different than those other, um, quacks. He said-“

“Hold on, “ I cut him off,” I’m heading down. See you in five.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I rounded the corner from where the elevators were and stepped into the lobby. It was busy right now with everyone from cops in uniform being trailed by perps in handcuffs along with a couple normal people crowding and milling around like ants. Their facial expressions were all different. They ranged form sad, angry, worried, and more. Geez I thought when would people ever learn. Crime pays.

Turning towards Gosling’s office I glance in and try to catch sight off the man whom he so positively spoke of. My eyes landed upon an old man most likely in his seventies dressed in khakis and a pastel sweater. Great I thought, Gosling expects us to solve this kidnapping with help from Mr. Rogers. Oh well, if he doesn’t help at all it’ll still be another story for the books.

I step in and close the door behind me. Gosling’s office is not as bare as mine as he’s filled it with mementos from high school and college and photos. At least he has a window. All I have is a spider plant and four blank walls. I then look at Gosling waiting for him to say something. He always talks first. He’s the icebreaker, better at polite conversation than I am. He does the gathering and I do the solving, most of the time. “Well Mr. Larkson, “ he says, “ This is my partner Denise Middleton and Denise, this is Frank Larkson.”

“ Hello, “ I say reaching out for a handshake, which Mr. Larkson returns with a weak smile, “ I hear you have some information for us about the Beauford kidnapping.” I sit on the corner of Gosling’s desk and put on my best “I’m interested” face.

“Yes, “ he slowly replies, “ I have heard some things that I feel may interest the police.”

“May I ask you your sources, “ I say cracking open my binder to a fresh page, pen poised. I always ask this first as to check the validity of what the people say. If I feel it won’t be true, I won’t have them waste my time. It’s a cruel sort of system, but it’s worked in the past.

“Well, “ he says looking down at the ground for a moment before replying, “What I’ve heard isn’t actually from a person or anything.” He drops his head and shuffles his feet a bit.

“Perhaps from a phone call or something you saw happen?” I ask. Darn I hope this isn’t another false lead. We get people all the time like this in here. People who are just looking for attention. This old man probably just missed his kids and wanted to talk to someone.

“No, no, “ he says, “I actually heard something…in my head.” He turns to the window and stares out of it almost wistfully.

All right that’s it I think. Time to get this wack job out of here. I turn to Gosling and mouth, “Get him out!”

But then Mr. Larkson continued on, “You know, some people think I’m senile. That I’ve lost it in my old age, sitting on a park bench all day feeding the birds.” He turned back to Gosling and I. “But what you don’t all know is that while I’m sitting on that bench I see things. Things all the rushed young people in the world don’t care to see. Most of all, though, is that I listen. The one thing in this world, at this time, that people need to do, is just listen.”

He stood there, deflated, staring at Gosling and I, not angry, but somehow wistful yet again and for a moment I’m reminded of my grandfather a long time ago. I remember how he used to lecture my brother and I about the world. That if we go too fast we might miss something important.

Mr. Larkson hovers for a second looking at Gosling then a second more at me, and says, “ If you feel you need my help I suppose you know how to contact me. After all you are the police.” Then, surprisingly for an old man, he swiftly made his way across the room and left.

I turn to Gosling and he leans back in his chair with his hands behind his head and gives me a knowing look and I say, “O.K., O.K, I’ll call him in the morning."
To be continued…

So this is the beginning of a short story that's been mulling around in my head. Not sure yet if it'll be long or short... I'll just have to see how it pans out.

You know what my favourite line in that whole text was?

To be continued…

I can't WAIT - in fact, I can almost feel a NOVEL coming on (no pressure). The characters you have created are vivid, and interesting, and funny and quirky and so, so real.
I'll admit, though, that might have been because I'm an exceptionally fast reader, first time round. On the second read, there were some things that struck out to me as needing improvement - it is far from perfect; but, you know what? I think, with your skill, it CAN BE awesome!

I look like an old woman, I thought as I peered in the mirror. I leaned further over the sink towards the glass. Maybe the fluorescent lights in this bathroom are bad. I mean this place is all gray tiles. That can’t reflect prettily upon the skin. Those can’t be, those can’t be crow’s feet I thought.

I didn't think the starting is so brilliant, actually. The woman looking at herself in the mirror just didn't do it for me. It's a static image - nothing is happening. I'd suggest putting her in motion; have her actually doing something to start off with. But even so, keep that wonderful blase tone of yours throughout the beginning. And I KNOW you're trying to give us a character description about her - but be more subtle. You don't need to blast all the facts at us in the intro

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of the pocket of my blazer as I pushed open the door to the restroom. I looked at the blinking screen and silently cursed.

“What is it this time Gosling? This better be legitimate and not like last time,” I said warningly. Gosling, my partner, had a desk downstairs and though he was great about pushing papers, he wasn’t exactly good at screening people.

“Um, well I think it’s legit,” came the voice on the other line, “There’s someone here who says they know some stuff about that girl that’s been missing.”

“The girl from the park?” I asked picking up my pace down the corridor and quickly turn into my office. I grab a binder and a pen and hurriedly go back into the hall.

Now THIS is where we start to see a bit of action, yeah! Some flurry, a bit of frenzy - I'd recommend starting the story from here, actually - your dialogue is witty; and even more witty is the internal dialogue - what you're characters are thinking.

Their facial expressions were all different. They ranged form sad, angry, worried, and more. Geez I thought when would people ever learn. Crime pays.

This part, I didn't think it belonged as well, actually. Your character...she comes across as nonchalant, patronising, funny - but not, by any means, deeply perceptive about other people. So that's why this seems off to me.

The rest reads very well indeed - you have a good ear for dialogue, I'd say. I would almost think that you imagine you are READING the dialogue as you WRITE it, to see the exact way it'll appear to the reader. This is a great thing to do, as your dialogue comes across very real, very fun. I especially liked:

“No, no, “ he says, “I actually heard something…in my head.” He turns to the window and stares out of it almost wistfully.

All right that’s it I think. Time to get this wack job out of here. I turn to Gosling and mouth, “Get him out!”

That slow way you bring us into that man's way of thinking...genious. Keeps us on edge.

You know, some people think I’m senile. That I’ve lost it in my old age, sitting on a park bench all day feeding the birds.” He turned back to Gosling and I. “But what you don’t all know is that while I’m sitting on that bench I see things. Things all the rushed young people in the world don’t care to see. Most of all, though, is that I listen. The one thing in this world, at this time, that people need to do, is just listen.”

However, this above bit of dialogue wasn't as hot. It seemed...bland, cliche almost. Change it; do something with it. This kind of deeply philosophical thinking - it doesn't belong right at the very start of the story. It's altogether too alarming, and makes an otherwise interesting character (the loony from the park) appear too-understandable, too quickly. He loses his air of mystery.

for a moment I’m reminded of my grandfather a long time ago. I remember how he used to lecture my brother and I about the world. That if we go too fast we might miss something important.

Right, I didn't see that this fitted in with your character as well, either. Like I said, she is more interesting if she is a hard-faced, get-straight-to-the-point, mystery-solving, butt-kicking detective, than a someone who's oddly sentimental at times. Take it out, change it. I mean, yes, of course your character needs to have feelings, but for the present, her feelings of disbelief, confusion, annoyance etc are enough for us to handle. This is the START after all, and we really don't need to uncertain emotions creeping through just yet.

Right, however you ended it was not a great bit of dialogue, either - I KNOW you can do much better, from the way the rest of it read. Short, sharp, snappy - and NOT uncertain AT ALL -

Maybe he does have something important to say.

That 'Maybe' bugs me. I mean, OF COURSE you want them to call back this weird guy, Larkson, but I don't think just yet. Leave an air of mystery. Make the audience BEG you to call him back. Make them want it bad, by not giving to to them - yet. And, when the final moment of 'truth' appears, give them what you've got.

This is definitely unfinished, and it is definitely brilliant. If there is anything more I can ask of you (other than really thinking about how you want your characters to come across), it is to finish it...or plan a novel. The way you have introduced the plot, setting, time is a WIN for me - smooth, subtle, no hint of awkwardness.

PM me with questions, discussion, arguements, anything, and I will be more than happy to help.

Thank you for the read.

I'm glad you took the iniative to PM me with further questions, and that you found the review helpful. And, if I was allowed to give you anything other than advice, I would direct you to write a full-length novel.

Mr. Larkson cracks me up. Everyone loves a good loony in a story, who, at the more unexpected moments, comes in to save the day with some insightful comments. I just didn't want you to put people off him immediately by making him so...serious and philosophical.

Okay, okay, I've just figured it out: here's the thing - at the moment, the only person we have to affirm that Larkson is a nutcase is your central character. We find out mostly everything about everything from her. However, from the witty and overly-sarcastic tone of the first few paras, she does not appear to be such a reliable source of character-presentation - like I said: she is not the touchy-feely type, and we've already seen her describe ordinary things in a totally indifferent and 'this-is-so-beneath-me' tone. This DOES make it really funny for us and make her really engaging, but it also affirms to us that she is an unreliable judge of character at the best of times.

So...why should we believe her when she takes Larkson for a nutcase, even if that is what everyone else might believe? The thing is, once you've diminished a character's credibility, we're less likely to believe them (even if we're entertained), and more likely to SEE FOR OURSELVES what the character is like, and what he does. Based on his hesitant nature when he talks to her, and on his final, almost confessional-blurting out of hearing voices, he actually seems to be a perfectly normal character. After all, if you heard voices unnaturally, this is exactly how weird you'd feel about telling someone else, right? Plus, the way he talks in response to her, just after, makes him even more serious and philosophical, and less like the loony we so want him to be.

That's where it's at right now - and I want you to have a good think about the way you want to portray these characters to the audience first time round.

For the intro, which you are worried about: firstly, I want you to understand that I'm not the writer of this piece, and so any 'ideas' I might drum up are not necessarily going to work for you, since we have different styles (although I LOVE yours). It's easy for me to say what's not the right beginning, but harder to pinpoint what is. And I can say with absolute certainty that the 'character description' of her has got to go...because you're such a good writer, and I KNOW you can do better.

Here's what I suggest: first, delete that intro, but maybe print it on a separate sheet of paper first. Then, go through the rest of the story, and incorporate the details from the intro into the story, subtly (what you do best, I reckon).

And then think about beginning it right in the middle of the action. That's where it'll have bigger impact.

I hope that has helped - and I am happy to answer any further questions as well.