Gala Academy(Prolouge)

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Revised Version Below!
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I hope you enjoy the Prologue of my newest possible work. I know some of you might
consider this an info dump(cause it is?) but aren't most Prologue's! :]. I find it interesting enough to not bore or feel like an info dump(probably cause I wrote it)
so I guess it's up to you guys to know for sure...
Chapter 1 is coming very soon, I'm writing it right now.


"Long ago in a time of war, the gods were fighting over dominion of a planet called Reins. Reins was created by the first god Orleos over 1500* years before the war began. This planet resting at the center of gravity was home to no one. It was a manifestation of Orleos's power. He left it behind when he departed from the universe, leaving anyone to claim it.

So the war began. All the god's wanted Orleos's infinite power and wisdom for their own. Each possessing a different motive, some good but most evil. In the final battles of the War of Gods, the seven remaining gods made homes on the planet and each held their own area of it. The war ended in a final fierce battle between all of the gods in a single point at Reins north pole.

Ronis, Cleof, Medria, Zilos, Situs, Lemora, and Iliya attacked with all their might, their powers meeting at one time. The result of this was catastrophic. Each god was cast of the planet in a mighty explosion. Reins began to fall apart, separating into thousands of pieces, each glowing with an intense light. Suddenly they shot off into the distance in many different directions, disappearing into the vast space.

Where we live now is what remains of what was once the great holy planet of Reins. The seven gods watch over us from a distance, vowing to return one day to reclaim the power that Orleos left for them. They created us, in the image of Orleos and allow us to live on the mighty planet that he created.

The Specials were a species created by the remains of Reins. When the planet fell apart and those tiny particles of light speed off into the dark emptiness of space, the gods found them and brought them back to the what was left of Reins. They tried to bring them all back, hoping it would restore itself. When it didn't, they found that they could embed the light into a host who could carry it with him or her.

Thus, we were created. The gods made the humans and let them live on what was left of Reins, reproduce and allow them to create enough host that were capable of holding the power of Reins. They knew that not every human created, those they tried to form on their own, couldn't wield the power. So now, whenever a new child is born we must present them to the god of the parents choosing, and see if they can obtain the light. Given a power beyond their understanding and apart of Reins itself, one day the gods would call upon them to restore the holy planet to it's former glory."


Coming Soon
Chapter 1
Friends, Lovers, Enemies

*Not sure if I should use 1500, or one thousand five hundred years, just because 1500
doesn't look that good, kind of sloppy.


Oh yes, I almost forgot. In the future, i.e Chapter 1, I will along with posting the story here, be giving you a link to download my yWriter story file. This way you can it's many resources to read and review as well as correct, make suggestions from their. I know some people prefer this, and yWriter even has an option to hear the story instead of read it(I have to record me reading it aloud, of course). So I hope you enjoy this awesome edition and use it yourself! yWriter is an amazing writing tool.
Last edited by Derek on Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:07 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey Derek. Comments in red.

Derek wrote:I hope you enjoy the Prologue of my newest possible work. I know some of you might
consider this an info dump(cause it is?) but aren't most Prologue's! That is not an excuse. That's like saying, "He murdered someone so I can too!" ;) :]. I find it interesting enough to not bore or feel like an info dump(probably cause I wrote it)
so I guess it's up to you guys to know for sure...
Chapter 1 is coming very soon, I'm writing it right now.


"Long ago in a time of war, the gods were fighting over dominion of a planet called Reins. Reins was created by the first god Orleos over 1500* years before the war began. Awkward sentence. Revise. This planet resting at the center of gravity was home to no one. What do you mean it rested at the center of gravity? Explain. It was a manifestation of Orleos's power. He left it behind when he departed from the universe, leaving it alone for anyone to claim. Oh yeah. Definitely an infodump. -.-" Still, I'll crit it line by line.

So the war began. All the god's wanted Orleos's infinite power and wisdom for their own. I thought the planet was a manifestation. It's not the power itself, it's the sideeffect or something. So just getting the planet won't give them anything but a new, empty planet. Each possessing a different motive, some good but most evil. In the final battles of the War of Gods, the seven remaining gods made homes on the planet and each held their own area of it. The war ended in a final fierce battle between all the gods at a single point at Reins north pole. Awkward sentence. Revise.

Ronis, Cleof, Medria, Zilos, Situs, Lemora, and Iliya Too many names, too little time. I won't remember any by the end of this prologue. attacked with all their might, their powers meeting at one time. I don't like the last part of the sentence. Revise. The result of this was catastrophic. Oh? Then show us. Show us the planet blowing up. In fact, instead of dumping all this info on us why don't you take us to the final parts of the war as it occurs? It'd be much easier to read. Each god was cast of the planet in a mighty explosion. I have no idea why, but this just looks funny in my head. As in humorous funny. Reins began to fall apart, splintering (I personally think it's a beter word) into thousands of pieces, each glowing with an intense light. Suddenly they shot off into the distance in many different directions, disappearing into the vast space. Eep. No, just no. This image is a major no. So common.

Where we live now is what remains of what was once the great holy planet of Reins. PAUSE. I thought you said it splintered into a thousand pieces and all of these pieces shot off into space. 0o The seven gods watch over us from a distance, vowing to return one day to reclaim the power that Orleos left for them. They created us in the image of Orleos and allow us to live on the mighty planet that he created. Why the heck did they create us? Just because they felt like it? Show me some motive here.

The Specials were a species created by the remains of Reins. So they're not us. Okay. And isn't "the remains of Reins" a planet? 0o You might want to reword that sentence. When the planet fell apart and those tiny particles of light sped off into the dark emptiness of space, the gods found them and brought them back to the what was left of Reins. Pause again. The gods want the power for themselves (this is under your theory that the planet is the power of Orleos), and those are splinters of powers. Why are they not keeping it for themselves? The more splinters the more powers, no? They tried to bring them all back, hoping it would restore itself. When it didn't, they found that they could embed the light into a host who could carry it with him or her. Okay, so the new question is why don't they just keep the Specials as pets?

Thus, we were created. So we are the specials? You could have told me this earlier. Or at least hinted at it earlier. The gods made the humans and let them live on what was left of Reins, I thought we were the specials, not the humans. Pick a name and stick with it. reproduce and allowed them to create enough hosts that were capable of holding the power of Reins. Urk. This sentence is extremely awkward and stilted. Revise. They knew that not every human created, those they tried to form on their own, couldn't wield the power. Awkward sentence. It's the clause in the middle that's making it awkward because it's a modifier but it's modifying the wrong thing. Play with the structure a bit and it should fix itself. So now, whenever a new child is born we must present them to the god of the parents choosing, and see if they can obtain the light. Your tenses are jumping, by the way. Given a power beyond their understanding and a part of Reins itself, one day the gods would call upon them to restore the holy planet to it's former glory." What?? "Given a power beyond their understanding and a part of Reins itself" is a dangling modifier, because it ought to modify humans but the words that come after it are one day, so it modifies one day and therefore makes no sense.


Coming Soon
Chapter 1
Friends, Lovers, Enemies

*Not sure if I should use 1500, or one thousand five hundred years, just because 1500
doesn't look that good, kind of sloppy. You should use it because your story demands it. If your story demands 1.5k, then it's that. If your story doesn't specify and you think it looks sloppy, then say a long time ago.


Oh yes, I almost forgot. In the future, i.e Chapter 1, I will along with posting the story here, be giving you a link to download my yWriter story file. This way you can it's many resources to read and review as well as correct, make suggestions from their. I know some people prefer this, and yWriter even has an option to hear the story instead of read it(I have to record me reading it aloud, of course). So I hope you enjoy this awesome edition and use it yourself! yWriter is an amazing writing tool.


Comments:

Yes, it is a massive infodump. No, it wasn't much different from the rest of the infodumps.

It's kind of cliched and movie-like in my head. And not in a good way.

The whole Reins idea has potential, once you fill in the holes I poked.

It's your story so in the end you know best. If you have any questions PM me.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000



We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer