I Never Should Have Followed

"So, what happened on the afternoon of October 31st?" the officer asked. I had to tell him the story which really isn't a story seeing as I really did see it occur. My ex-boyfriend was not the man I thought him out to be. I was devastated to realize that on the fatal night. The night I never should have followed. I'm sitting here about to spill my guts and I don't even know who had turned me over. I had tried to probe it from the officer but he said he was confidential information.
I folded my hands on top of the desk and looked him straight in the eye. I shouldn't be here I thought. I should be at home reading a good book erasing that horrifying moment from my life from my head. Guilt ripped at me like a dagger. That girls life should not have ended the way it did. I should have run to the police and I didn't.
I cleared my throat, took a deep breath and started from the beginning of the worst afternoons of my life. I was taking a walk debating whether to walk up to the Target and leaf through the magazines or sit at the ice cream shop and enjoy a delicious banana split. There have always been those woods were you found her and I've never gone over there and curiosity was creeping up on me. As I stood there staring at them the more I was tempted to take a walk through them. I had no idea I would endure one of the longest evenings of my life all because one guy had one to many and had a terrible temper to go with it.

Hello babymagic18! I'll be your reviewer for today!

"So, what happened on the afternoon of October 31st?" the officer asked. I had to tell him the story which really isn't a story seeing as I really did see it occur.

Okay, maybe change this up so it flows, like: "So, what happened on the afternoon of October 31st?" the officer asked. I had to tell him the story, which really, isn't a story. I mean, not to me at least, I saw it occur, it really happened.

My ex-boyfriend was not the man I thought him out to be.

Take out "out".

I shouldn't be here I thought.

Since its in her thoughts, put it in italics, makes it easier for the reader.

moment from my life from my head.

take the first "my" out.

That girls life should not have ended the way it did. I should have run to the police and I didn't.

That girl's life should not have ended the way it did. I should have run to the police, but I didn't.

I was taking a walk debating whether to walk up to the Target and leaf through the magazines or sit at the ice cream shop and enjoy a delicious banana split. There have always been those woods were you found her and I've never gone over there and curiosity was creeping up on me. As I stood there staring at them the more I was tempted to take a walk through them. I had no idea I would endure one of the longest evenings of my life all because one guy had one to many and had a terrible temper to go with it.

Okay, by this paragraph I am totally confused, I could barely make out the story, no offense. But, I think you have a good story here, you just need to edit it and fix it up, okay?

Sorry if this review was harsh, I didn't try to be! Just polish the stone you've already chipped out!

~Forest

Hey babymagic18. thanks for the review so here's one in return. Okay you had few mistakes that forest already pointed that I advise you to follow. Now the only problem I truly had with this piece was that to me it was way too short and it was really good but then when I scrolled down to read more I was like: where's the rest of it? All in all it was fairly nice. Thank you for the read.

I liked it but it was a little rough, it seemed like you repeated ideas over and over.

Comments in red.

babymagic18 wrote:"So, what happened on the afternoon of October 31st?" the officer asked.

I had to tell him the story which wasn't really a story seeing as I really did see it occur. Um technically it's still a story. A story is, by definition, an account of incidents or events. So unless nothing happened and it's justa drabble, it's a story. My ex-boyfriend was not the man I thought him to be. Even if we take out "out" it's still pretty awkward so revise it.

I was devastated to realize that on the fatal night. If you cut make it a different paragraph it kind of adds drama, IMO.

The night I never should have followed. Followed what? I'm sitting here about to spill my guts and I don't even know who turned me over. Okay, there's no transition between sentences. You jump from one thought to another. We need more transition here. I had tried to probe Pry maybe? I don't like the word probe here. It sounds wrong. it from the officer but he said he was confidential information.

I folded my hands on top of the desk and looked him straight in the eye. I shouldn't be here. You don't need to place I thought because technically, this is her narrating and when you think you don't say, "I thought" after your thoughts, right? I should be at home reading a good book, erasing that horrifying moment from my head. I cut a few words so the sentence would flow better. Guilt ripped at me like a dagger.

That girl's life should not have ended the way it did. I should have run to the policebut I didn't. Edited it a bit so it would flow better.

I cleared my throat, took a deep breath and started from the beginning of the worst afternoons of my life.

I assume she's going to talk about it? Better put it in quotation marks, or at least italicize it.

I was taking a walk, debating whether to walk up to Target and leaf through the magazines or sit at the ice cream shop and enjoy a delicious banana split. There have always been those woods where you found her and I've never gone over there and curiosity was creeping up on me. What? This sentence is so choppy it hardly makes sense. Cut it up into a few sentences and play with the arrangement of the words. Like..."The woods where you found her have always been around, but I've never gone over there. Curiosity just crept up on me." Or something like it. As I stood there staring at them, I was more and more tempted to take a walk through them.

I had no idea I would endure one of the longest evenings of my life - all because one guy had one too many and a terrible temper to go with it.

Final thoughts:

Intriguing beginning.

Try mixing up sentence patterns. Play around with them.

PM me if you have any questions. Feel free to ignore this review if you feel it doesn't mesh with your story.

Sincerely,

Kara