Jane's Ghosts

This is a part were Jane comes out, one of my favorite characters that i have invented. I have other prologue where she comes out and even a bit of a chapter, two actualy.
Enjoy.

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Prologue London, 1966
Jane walked up to the door and opened with a creek. Her steps were gentle and quiet in the silent residence. She opened the door to a room, a room she shouldn’t be in but she had to help them, somehow. The room was dark and silent but she knew they were there. She walked into the room and closed the door after her. She blew out her candle light and left it on the floor.
“I know you’re here” she said “I want to help” she said into the darkness. Slowly, she felt cold, she could hear whispers in her head and cuts where appearing on her arm. She bit her lip to not scream of the pain it was causing her but she had to help, she had to. She closed her eyes tight, trying to hear them clearly, but with all of them whispering at the same time it was hard.
“Under the clock” said one. She opened her eyes and saw in front of her a shadow slowly turning into a seven year old girl. The whispers slowly left, but the cold continued.
“Under the grandfather clock” the seven year old whispered.
“Under the clock?” asked Jane.
“Under the clock, under the grandfather clock”
“Our clock?”
“Under the clock, down the hole.” She whispered.
“Ok” said Jane turning and opening the door. She left the room and walked down the dark cold hall to the downstairs living room. She felt the ghost girl behind her as she walked and she sometimes turned to make sure she continued following.
The grandfather clock standed in front of her, big and majestic as always, counting time. She moved it slowly with all her might, trying not to wake anybody up, and when she finally moved it, she saw the hole under it. It was a deep hole, big enough for her to fit.
Bitsy, the cocker lifted up her head when she felt the cold presence. She looked up and barked. The ghost got scared by the noise and quickly disappeared into the darkness.
“No, please” Jane begged before the shadow was completely gone, but when it was the whispers came all at once, very loudly. She took her hands to her head now burning and aching, closed her eyes tight, fell on her knees and screamed with all her might before falling on the floor, unconscious.
James and Mrs. Dingle entered the room with a rush.
“Oh my dear god” said Mrs. Dingle as she saw the poor girl.
“Jane” called James while shaking her gently.
“Again it happens she is a good girl, a good girl” complained Mrs. Dingle leaning against a chair.
“Do you know what she was doing out of bed this late?” asked James.
“No, but whatever she was doing, it is none of our concern”
“Calm the students upstairs” said James to Mrs. Dingle while picking Jane up from the cold wood floor.
“Poor girl, poor girl” Whispered Mrs. Dingle under her breath as she left the room.
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This is the only bit i am putting up, so for explenations:
Jane and James are fallen Angels, James is the son of Lucifer, the leader of fallen angels. Mrs. Dingle is a caretaker and teacher in a boarding school for girls in London, were the directors are James and Lucifer. I think that fallen angels have a long life curse, like Jane, she hears whispers and when she hears them, sometimes, she gets cuts on her arms, jijijiji.

I'm a little crazy today! xD (lol) I love the elephant

Hi, I'm Apple and I'm going to be your reviewer for today. Firstly I just want to add that this is rather short. Reading over it I think it must be longer to make it sound more flowing and natural.

Spoiler

Prologue London, 1966 <-- You should bold this and space it from the writing to give it more defiance.

Jane walked up to the door and opened it with a creek. Her steps were gentle and quiet in the silent residence. She opened the door to a room, a room she shouldn’t be in but she had to help them, somehow.Sounds somehow awkward. I think you shuld read over it and reword the whole sentence. The room was dark and silent but she knew they were there. She walked into the room and closed the door after her. She blew out her candle light and left it on the floor.

"I know you’re here” she said “I want to help” she said into the darkness.
Sounds funny. You don't need the "she said into the darkness" because you have already made it clear before that she is saying it. Instead you should say;
"I know you’re here” she said “I want to help” The last bit is not necessary.

“Under the clock” said one. She opened her eyes and saw in front of her a shadow slowly turning into a seven year old girl. The whispers slowly left, but the cold continued.
“Under the grandfather clock” the seven year old whispered.
“Under the clock?” asked Jane.
“Under the clock, under the grandfather clock” “Our clock?”
“Under the clock, down the hole.” She whispered. Sounds way to repetitive. Clock is used way to many times...unless that is what you were going for. To me it just doesn't fit properly, I think it needs to be either reworded or other words for clock should be found (And that if there is any).
“Ok” said Jane turning and opening the door. She left the room and walked down the dark cold hall to the downstairs living room. She felt the ghost girl behind her as she walked and she sometimes turned to make sure she continued following.
The grandfather clock standed stood sounds betterin front of her. Big and majestic as always, counting down the time. She moved it slowly with all her might, trying not to wake anybody up. When she finally moved it, Janesaw the hole under it. It was a deep hole, big enough for her to fit.
Bitsy, the cockerI thikn you should say the word fully. lifted up her head when she felt the cold presence. She looked up You already said this in the last sentence.and barked. The ghost got scared by the noise and quickly disappeared into the darkness.
“No, please” Jane begged before the shadow was completely gone. Though when it was, the whispers came all at once, very loudly. in a loud burst. Say that instead of the words highlighted in green. She took her hands to her head now burning and aching[color=#FF0000].[/color] Doesn't make sense.Jane closed her eyes tightly, fallingon her knees she screamed with all her might before falling on the floor, unconscious. <-- That's a little dramatic don't you thikn. I think more depth is needed in this last part so it doesn't sound like a corny ending to something that could really shine.
James and Mrs. Dingle entered the room with a rush.
“Oh my dear God” said Mrs. Dingle as she saw the poor girl.
“Jane!” Called James while shaking her gently.
“Again it has happened! She issuch a good girl.” Complained Mrs. Dingle leaning against a chair.
“Do you know what she was doing out of bed this late?” asked James.
“No, but whatever she was doing, it is none of our concern”
“Calm the students upstairs” said James to Mrs. Dingle while picking Jane up from the cold wood floor.
“Poor girl, poor girl” Whispered Mrs. Dingle under her breath as she left the room.

Grammar:I'm afraid that it wasn't the best. You placed commar's where they were not needed, and you missed words that were crucial to make tie the sentence together. The wording in most of the sentences were jumbled, and hard to understand. I believe with a heavy heart that you have to use way more full stops then you actually do. (Don't worry I would always do that. Maybe I still do, who knows? )

MC (Main Characters): Jane needs work. As with all the other characters to this story. They all seem like puppets to me and you're the puppetier, it's as if you are telling it for them, not the characters expressing the story to me. They all had the same personality and I found some of them rather allusive to actually catch any hint of a personality.

Structure:I believe that there was a lot more dialouge then there was actual expressing. This part especially threw me...

“Under the clock” said one. She opened her eyes and saw in front of her a shadow slowly turning into a seven year old girl. The whispers slowly left, but the cold continued.
“Under the grandfather clock” the seven year old whispered.
“Under the clock?” asked Jane.
“Under the clock, under the grandfather clock”
“Our clock?”
“Under the clock, down the hole.” She whispered.

This struck me the most as peculiar. So much mention of a clock, I thought it must have been played. I don't know if this is what you wanted, but it does sound rather wierd. I think you need spaces within this to.

Overall: Needs work. You should go over what I have pointed out in the spoiler, and on the other fators of the page. You need to place length in it, and that stuff down at the bottom;

This is the only bit i am putting up, so for explenations:
Jane and James are fallen Angels, James is the son of Lucifer, the leader of fallen angels. Mrs. Dingle is a caretaker and teacher in a boarding school for girls in London, were the directors are James and Lucifer. I think that fallen angels have a long life curse, like Jane, she hears whispers and when she hears them, sometimes, she gets cuts on her arms, jijijiji.

needs to be placed within this text. I think this has great potential and I believe this idea is a good one. I'm very sorry for the nitpicking, though I do think this story can shine if you place extra work into it.

~Kudos Apple