The Pain-Chapter 3 *REVISED*

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Okay! Here's chapter three! Review please and thankyou! I think I've been having issues with dumping all of my info on what a room looks like in one place...but lots of books I read have the descriptions in one place and now I'm confused. I really need pointers on that! This is also one of the more boring chapters...but it was necessary to get it over with. I personally would love if I knew the seamstress though ;) I love bubbly old people! If you wish, reading the Prologue and chapters 1&2 would probably help you out, but there's no need for that really. Thanks guys!



Chapter 3


“No, no, this will never do!” the seamstress, Annaliza cried, throwing up her hands in disgust. We had been standing for nearly an hour trying to fit my dress to my body. I was too skinny and I had already been scolded countless times by Annaliza to eat more food. “The colours aren't right with your skin-tone either! We need brighter colours. Perhaps yellow? No, no, no!” The woman was blabbering a mile a minute. I had never met anybody more talkative!

“Annaliza, the poor girl's been standing here with her arms in the air for nearly an hour now. Surely you must be almost finished?” Dellan came to my rescue. He had been waiting in a separate room while I was being fitted.

“Hush up Dellan. I'll be ready when I'm ready!” Annaliza spat. She was still pretty sassy for a woman in her seventies. I giggled to myself.

“I don't care what color it is, I just don't want to break any sacred rules,” I sighed and wriggled my fingers. My arms were growing numb from holding them up. This was taking much too long.

“Yes, yes. I'll hurry along then. White with a golden band across the waist! Oh, and perhaps a golden fringe or something of the sort?” She didn't give me time to answer. “Oh yes! Beautiful!” I groaned and Dellan laughed from behind the door. I muttered something illogical and rolled my eyes.

I let my mind wander back to what had happened in the past few minutes as an attempt at amusing myself. I was surprised to find that Annaliza was as entranced by my story as Dellan had been. I had taken an instant liking to the woman and her bubbly personality. She was extremely friendly, however much too talkative. Her decor was extravagant and vibrant as Dellan's had been, although it was somewhat a different style. Things were arranged differently and the colours were more feminine as well as slightly antique looking. Of course, who was I to judge? Antique where I came from could be extremely modern here. Her studio, which was where I was now, was a soft peachy color with pink flowers bordering the tops and bottoms of the walls. Many mirrors lined the walls and there were two large spinning wheels in the northern corners of the room. It was very brightly lit by candles and lanterns, which was surprising since there were no windows. There was no carpet or rug on the floor, nor were there any chairs or sofas. I stood on a platform in the centre of the room and there was a single stool beside me that was engraved with tiny flowers and leaves. There was also a small desk where I assumed she pieced her works together. I tried to take everything in at once; I wanted to know all I could about the life-styles of the Aquarians.

“Quite the mess you've got yourself into my girl,” she piped up, breaking into my observations and gesturing for me to hold the dress up while she waddled towards the desk, humming.

“Hmm?” I took the dress and blinked. “Oh; yeah, it's been...” I couldn't find just the right adjective to sum up what i thought of my experience. I turned my head in Annaliza's direction, trying to see what she had found.

“Ridiculous, that's what it's been, hmm?” She answered for me, moving different rolls of material around from under the desk.

“Took the words right out of my mouth!” I laughed heartily, turning my head back towards the door.

She returned to me, beaming as if she had just won the lottery. In her hands she held a roll of stunning white material. The material was almost sparkling, what on earth was it made from? “What do you think of this one?” Annaliza asked, still grinning wildly.

“It's beautiful!” I exclaimed, reaching out with my free hand to touch it. It was surprisingly soft. I had assumed it to be somewhat rough considering what the texture appeared to be.

“You actually found some material?” Dellan asked with mock-fascination.

“You mind your elders young man!” Annaliza scolded, handing me the new material and grabbing the dress that was already wound around my body.

Dellan muttered that he was sorry and I giggled again. She unwrapped the old material from my body, leaving me in nothing but my underwear. It wasn't awkward for me only because she had done this thousands of time in her life. She tossed it aside and began to re-fit the material, humming an unfamiliar tune as she worked. She kept placing and removing pins into and out of her mouth. She accidentally pricked me in the ribs a few times when I squirmed and muttered at me to “Please keep still child.” She hummed as she worked, taking breaks to ask me questions about where I had come from. I tried to answer them all patiently, but the woman had so many of them!

“You must be a very brave young girl, Lakisha,” she said when the conversation began to run dry.

“What do you mean I'm brave?” I asked her, amused. I hardly thought of myself as the brave type. Heights and anybody with anything that could be used as weaponry scared the crap out of me.

“Well, it's not every day you wake up and find yourself in a whole other world. You seem ridiculously calm. I would be panicking my head off if I were you!” She clicked her tongue and muttered something about needing more gold material under her breath.

“I don't know to be honest. As soon as I got here I felt at peace. I have had panicky moments, but I think I'm more freaked out about how I feel so calm about my situation than the situation itself. I can't explain it,” I answer truthfully. I honestly was more panicked about my calmness than about finding myself here. This thought unnerved me slightly.

“Okay honey, I need you to hold super still while I go back for some gold material,” she clucked her tongue and I nodded. Did I have much of a choice? She turned and waddled back towards the desk and once again began to shove around underneath it. “Ah huh! Found just the thing!” She rose and strode back to me, holding a beautiful piece of golden cloth.

“It's gorgeous!” I exclaimed, daring to move and placed a hand over my mouth. It was a beautiful golden colour and it shimmered when the light hit it. It was thin, but it looked somewhat sturdy.

“Now, if you'll take off the dress so that I can sew it up and work my magic with this gold, that would be wonderful! Would you like straps or sleeves? Remember that it's usually pretty steamy here.” She waved her hand in front of her face to prove her point.

“Straps then I suppose,” I answered, trying to wriggle my way out of the dress without pricking myself or moving the pins out of place. Eventually, I managed to get the dress off and hand it to Annaliza. I stepped carefully off the little platform and bent down for my clothes. I slipped back into them and thanked the old woman. She told me to come back bright and early tomorrow morning to get my new dress.

“You're finally done then?” Dellan called. He sounded eager to be able to leave.

I stepped through the door and looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “You betcha. Now you get to introduce your reality-shifter to the rest of the village,” I winked, feeling fresh. I still couldn't explain my calmness about the situation. Why wasn't I afraid?

He laughed, linking my arm in his and led me through the front door and back towards the dirt roads of Aquariazzi. “So, what does it look like?” he asked absently.

I glanced at him, “What? the dress?” He nodded. “It's white with a golden bottom, belt and straps I do believe. The material is awesome!”

“Can't wait to see it! I suppose I should introduce you to the elders first off, huh?” He looked at me, a twinge of mischief twinkling in his blue eyes. A smile tugged the corners of his lips. Suddenly he jerked forward and had he not had his arm entwined with mine, I would have fallen face flat on the ground. I recovered quickly and stumbled along behind him, fighting off laughter.
Last edited by eldEr on Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Isha wrote:“No, no, this will never do!” the seamstress, Annaliza, cried, throwing her hands up in disgust.


I don't like how this is set up, but it's technically correct. In red, I placed where you forgot a comma.

Isha wrote:“Hush up, Dellan. I'll be ready when I'm ready!” Annaliza retorted.


Two things here. One: You forgot a comma after "up". Secondly: you retort usually when someone is aggressive towards you first. Dellan doesn't appear to be talking very aggressively, so "retorted" isn't the best choice here. Maybe "spat"?

Isha wrote:“I don't care what color it is, I just don't want to break any sacred rules(,)” I sighed.


The comma in parenthesis needs to be a period.

Isha wrote:“Oh(;) yeah, it's been...”


Semi-colon misuse. That should be a comma or a period.

Isha wrote:I laughed, “Took the words right out of my mouth!”


I suggest you place that "I laughed" after the dialogue. It will flow better.

Isha wrote:“You mind your elders, young man!” Annaliza scolded.


Again, red shows an omitted comma.

Here, you start a new scene entirely. Why? That giant, scene-separating space should be squished together. There's no difference in scenary, or change of environment or perspective. I don't see the need to write as if a new scene is taking place - it's the same one.

Isha wrote:“I don't know to be honest. As soon as I got here I felt at peace. I have had panicky moments, but I think I'm more freaked out about how I feel so calm about my situation than the situation itself. I can't explain it,” I answer truthfully


Misused tense. This should read "answered".

That entire dialogue before it is HUGE. You should consider separating it and dividing it up between actions, or something of the likes.

Isha wrote:Eventually, I managed to get the dress off and hand it to Annaliza. I


stepped carefully off the little platform and bent down for my clothes. I slipped back into them and thanked Annaliza.


First, that giant space. Did you hit "Enter" too many times?

Also, "Annaliza" is mentioned twice in adjacent sentences. It's become redundant. Change the second "Annaliza" to "the woman".

Isha wrote:I glanced at him(,) “What, the dress?” he nodded.


Three mistakes here.

One: The first comma needs to be a period.
Two: You omitted a comma after "what" (look at the red)
Three: The "h" in "he" needs to be capitalized. It's not reflecting how the sentence is being said; it's a statement on its own.

Overview

It's all right. I can't judge the plot, since I jumped to chapter three immediately. To me, it seems rather boring. I'm sure it would make more sense if I read chapters one and two.

Grammar-wise, you're all right. Just be careful about commas and capitalization. Make sure something's related to dialogue before capitalizing it, such as in the last example. Also, use different words and expressions to describe people.

I'm not a fan of your writing style; it isn't pleasant to read, from what I see in this chapter. Everything just seems bulged-up and rushed. Dialogues are long; there's not a lot of description in-between, either.

I'll be checking out chapters four and five now.
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Okay, revisions have been made. Is there anything awkward about them?
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Hey again Isha! :)

This was pretty good! Although, it wasn't my favourite chapter so far. There seemed to be quite a lot of dialogue. It bothered me slightly. Mind you, I am a picky person! :lol:

Also, the information dumps are still bothering me :xd:

I let my mind wander back to what had happened in the past few minutes as an attempt at amusing myself. I was surprised to find that Annaliza was as entranced by my story as Dellan had been. I had taken an instant liking to the woman and her bubbly personality. She was extremely friendly, however much too talkative. Her decor was extravagant and vibrant as Dellan's had been, although it was somewhat a different style. #FF0000 ">----- Here
Things were arranged differently and the colours were more feminine as well as slightly antique looking. Of course, who was I to judge? Antique where I came from could be extremely modern here. Her studio, which was where I was now, was a soft peachy color with pink flowers bordering the tops and bottoms of the walls. Many mirrors lined the walls and there were two large spinning wheels in the northern corners of the room. It was very brightly lit by candles and lanterns, which was surprising since there were no windows. #FF0000 ">----- Here
There was no carpet or rug on the floor, nor were there any chairs or sofas. I stood on a platform in the centre of the room and there was a single stool beside me that was engraved with tiny flowers and leaves. There was also a small desk where I assumed she pieced her works together. I tried to take everything in at once; I wanted to know all I could about the life-styles of the Aquarians.

This for example. It's only one paragraph? It's a bit long for one paragraph, in my opinion. When a reader sees a clump like this, they definitely get put off! Try cutting it into several paragraphs. I've suggested where you can do this!

Sorry this is short, but I haven't got anything else to say that I haven't already said previously! I'm really liking your characters and I'm also liking the plot!

See you in chapter 4+5!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



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