An Apocalyptic Sonnet

Sunset, expect this to be your last one
with our vast return as your death is set.
At three sixes where hill-beacons burn, run-
In the darkness, undressed, blood-red, unfed,
as lips distend ending, time to falter.
Welcoming arms are wide and crucified,
Yielding a thirsting altar - the slaughter.
Lightning freezes seven outtakes, they died.
Sins expelled from heaven, now found below
where the tragic in theory had befell.
Last prayers hanging silently in air, so
strung where crippled vultures had dare excel.
We come like drumming thunder on scorched earth.
Who shares the laugh now, at our rebirth?

x3CoFx3 wrote:Sunset, expect this to be your last one
with our vast return as your death is set.
At three sixes where hill-beacons burn, run-
In the darkness, undressed, blood-red, unfed,
as lips distend ending, time to falter.
Welcoming arms are wide and crucified,
Yielding a thirsting altar - the slaughter.
Lightning freezes seven outtakes, they died.
Sins expelled from heaven, now found below
where the tragic in theory had befell.
Last prayers hanging silently in air, so
strung where crippled vultures had dare excel.
We come like drumming thunder on scorched earth.
Who shares the laugh now, at our rebirth?

Hello I'll be your reviewer I'm LastPaladin, I'll warn you straight off, I'm extremely harsh, but this is all meant as a way to improve you and only meant to attack your work. I would hope this wouldn't be necessary, but just in case, here it is.

and let this be clear this is exceedingly bad, it's near impossible to read, it stilted and jumps about more than a Mexican Jumping Bean. To add it's also very dry and cliched, the themes are nothing short of biblical and you add nothing new to this. To further this, I couldn't even read this without getting a headache. You give like five million ideas all at once, and because of this fail to evoke any emotion other than 'WTF' it hurts physically to read this. And this is never a good thing. There is some great wording in this, but it jumps and skips, and leaps like there no tommorow. And by the end the readers are left scratching on their heads.

To fix this, FOCUS! Focus on one facet of this. Or break into stanzas and focus on different aspects in each stanza but keep it conencted. And make it readable.

Hope this helps.

Its good! I like what you talk about and stuff, its pretty cool. But what are you talking about? Like angels or something or is that just me being blonde... (especially because I am blonde)
I cant give you much advice but you sort of need to put in what you are talking about...
Or maybe you want it to be that way, I'm confused!
Overall I like it, its unexpected and leaves me with questions.
Keep writing
~Smexx

I don't have much to say here, because I loved this poem! Now, usually in my critiques I spend a long time -- cause' I don't find loads of poems on here with a lack of faults...I truly enjoyed this one. However, I thought you did a really nice job on this.

This type of review is rare for me; I usually tear poems apart, Haha


Keep writing...you're really good at it from what I can see. ^_^

I'll definitely be looking for more of your work in the future.


-Jon

P.S. -- Welcome, and I hope to see you reviewing more! With poetry like this -- you'll have something to teach people. ^_^ Hope to see it!

*Liked*

Wow, thank you

Hello I'll be your reviewer I'm LastPaladin, I'll warn you straight off, I'm extremely harsh, but this is all meant as a way to improve you and only meant to attack your work. I would hope this wouldn't be necessary, but just in case, here it is.

and let this be clear this is exceedingly bad, it's near impossible to read, it stilted and jumps about more than a Mexican Jumping Bean. To add it's also very dry and cliched, the themes are nothing short of biblical and you add nothing new to this. To further this, I couldn't even read this without getting a headache. You give like five million ideas all at once, and because of this fail to evoke any emotion other than 'WTF' it hurts physically to read this. And this is never a good thing. There is some great wording in this, but it jumps and skips, and leaps like there no tommorow. And by the end the readers are left scratching on their heads.

To fix this, FOCUS! Focus on one facet of this. Or break into stanzas and focus on different aspects in each stanza but keep it conencted. And make it readable.

Hope this helps.

Well, my writing teacher really liked it and seemed to understand it just fine. And it was published in our literary magazine.
Some parts of it are supposed to be biblical, I did that on purpose...