Chapter 1 excerpt (book)

Chapter 1 (excerpt)


New kid. New kid. New kid. Those were the words going through the soon-to-be 7th grader, Adam Dunley’s mind as he woke up. It was a gray and overcast Monday morning. Everything seemed to indicate that the joys and luxuries of summer were over. School buses began once more their tiresome journeys, kids woke up complaining it was too early, and the smell of eggs and waffles and coffee filled the air. Adam’s alarm clock began its beeping a few minutes later. Adam slammed his hand on the snooze button and lay back on his pillows to prepare to face the onslaughts of a new school. “Why did Dad have to move yet again?” Adam wondered for the now the millionth time. This was so far the fourth school Adam has gone to, since his dad got the job at Calvin’s Law Firm. Now the rest of the family had to follow suite like sheep after a shepherd. Not that it was bad. It was just the thought of having to go to a new school and having to start all over again. It seemed to Adam that he was the only one from his siblings who fell victim to this problem. His 16-year-old sister, Janette, would have no trouble adjusting to a new high school. She was smart and popular at the same time and she seemed to draw friends like some kind of super magnet. And then on the other side, his 19-year-old brother, Mathew, was just like his sister. He was not a straight A student but he got about two A’s and then all B’s. He was also a great athlete and he was a jock. For both of them making friends would be as easy as ever. Adam was a totally different case. He was smart, but other than that he was a lousy athlete, he wore the biggest round glasses which made him look like some kind of alien, and he became embarrassed easily. No shocker with the way he is. Now here he was in Middlebrook, New Jersey going to attend yet another new school, Pineview Middle. “And to think just two days ago I was enjoying hiking in the Alps. I can’t believe summer went so fast”, Adam thought. The sound of a sizzling pan down in the kitchen woke him from his reverie and set him about getting ready for school. A little while later, Adam dressed in a yellow Polo shirt, blue jeans, and whitetop sneakers, headed downstairs for breakfast. His mom, Barbara, was making scrambled eggs on the stove, his dad, Mike, was as usual reading the New Jersey Times, Janette was painting her nails and eating at the same time, how did she do that? And lastly Mathew was stuffing himself with waffles and toast. He ate a lot. That’s a fact. “Adam!” exclaimed his mother, “about time. What were you doing so long?” “He was thinking how fast he was going to die today at school” offered his brother. “Oh shut up”. Adam said tiresomely. “Adam, we do not use that kind of language in here. Now sit down and eat something before the bus comes,” said Barbara sternly. “The bus!?” Adam looked horrified. “But, why can’t I ride with Mathew?” “Because, how would I look dropping my little brother off at middle school, to my friends, twerp?” “Friends!? We haven’t even started school yet? How can you already have friends?” Adam said in disbelief. “It’s called facebook, short bus,” replied his sister with obviousness. “Facebook? but, but.., but” stuttered Adam. “Enough talking. I have to go. Bye mom, dad,” said Mathew as he left the front door. “Yeah I have to go too. Bye mom and dad,” said Janette as she did her last nail, popped a piece of toast in her mouth and rushed off to her Mazda 2009. “Hurry up Adam. The bus is going to be here any minute,” his dad said as he was putting his tie on for work. Adam was stilled stunned. His siblings already had friends! This thought made him dread his first day even more. Then as if on cue, a yellow school bus rolled and stopped in front of the house. “There it is. You have everything? Good. Now remember, make new friends and relax. Everything is going to be fine. Love you” said Mrs. Dunley as she kissed her youngest son goodbye. “Have a good first day, sport. I’ll see you later. Bye honey, I have a meeting so I have to leave early today.” With that Adam’s Dad swept through the front door. Adam grabbed his bag and lunch and headed through the door to the waiting and dreaded school bus.

First things first. You might want to chop it up into paragraphs or everyone who sees this is going to run away. I'm almost tempted to.

But I'll fix the formatting. My comments will be in red.

thilan wrote:Chapter 1 (excerpt)


New kid. New kid. New kid.

Those were the words going through the soon-to-be 7th grader Adam Dunley’s mind as he woke up. Showing not telling.

It was a gray and overcast Monday morning. Everything seemed to indicate that the joys and luxuries of summer were over. School buses began once more their tiresome journeys, kids woke up complaining it was too early, and the smell of eggs and waffles and coffee filled the air. The last one happens even during summer. Adam’s alarm clock began its beeping a few minutes later. Your POV shifts from third person omniscient to third person limited. Pick one and stick with it. Adam slammed his hand on the snooze button and lay back on his pillows to prepare to face the onslaughts Hm. The word onslaughts is forced and awkward here. of a new school.

“Why did Dad have to move yet again?” Adam wondered for the millionth time. This was the fourth school Adam has gone to since his dad got the job at Calvin’s Law Firm. Now the rest of the family had to follow suit like sheep after a shepherd. Not that it was bad. It was just the thought of having to go to a new school and having to start all over again. It seemed to Adam that he was the only one of his siblings who fell victim to this problem. His 16-year-old sister Janette would have no trouble adjusting to a new high school. She was smart and popular at the same time and she seemed to draw friends like some kind of super magnet. And then on the other side, his 19-year-old brother, Mathew, was just like his sister. He was not a straight A student but he got about two A’s and then all B’s. He was also a great athlete and he was a jock. For both of them making friends would be as easy as ever. Adam was a totally different case. He was smart, but other than that he was a lousy athlete, wore the biggest round glasses which made him look like some kind of alien, and he became embarrassed easily. ALL TELL NO SHOW. SHOW ME MOAR. NAO. No shocker with the way he is. Now here he was in Middlebrook, New Jersey going to attend yet another new school, Pineview Middle.

“And to think just two days ago I was enjoying hiking in the Alps. I can’t believe summer went so fast”, Adam thought. Telling not showing. And completely irrelevant to what's happening. And weird, because you said he sucked with sports. The sound of a sizzling pan down in the kitchen woke him from his reverie and set him about getting ready for school. A little while later, Adam dressed in a yellow Polo shirt, blue jeans, and whitetop sneakers, headed downstairs for breakfast. His mom, Barbara, was making scrambled eggs on the stove, his dad, Mike, was as usual reading the New Jersey Times, Janette was painting her nails and eating at the same time, how did she do that? This sounds extremely laundry-listy. And lastly Mathew was stuffing himself with waffles and toast. He ate a lot. That was a fact.

“Adam!” exclaimed his mother, “about time. What were you doing for so long?”

“He was thinking how fast he was going to die today at school” offered his brother.

“Oh shut up”. Adam said tiresomely. Tiresomely? Not the best way to show us what's happening.

“Adam, we do not use that kind of language in here. Now sit down and eat something before the bus comes,” said Barbara sternly. Watch the adverbs. Don't put too many of them in.

“The bus!?” Adam looked horrified. “But, why can’t I ride with Mathew?”

“Because, how would I look dropping my little brother off at middle school, to my friends, twerp?” And his mother doesn't say anything about his brother calling him twerp? I know for a fact that the mother always favors the youngest child, especially if the youngest child is a boy. And she tries to be fair. You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole here.

“Friends!? We haven’t even started school yet? How can you already have friends?” Adam said in disbelief.

“It’s called facebook, short bus,” replied his sister with obviousness.

“Facebook? but, but.., but” stuttered Adam.

“Enough talking. I have to go. Bye mom, dad,” said Mathew as he left the front door. He's leaving earlier than the bus is? The bus leaves really early because it has to stop by a lot of places. 0o

“Yeah I have to go too. Bye mom and dad,” said Janette as she did her last nail, popped a piece of toast in her mouth She can't do this without ruining her manicure. Trust me. It's difficult. and rushed off to her Mazda 2009.

“Hurry up Adam. The bus is going to be here any minute,” his dad said as he put his tie on for work. Adam was stilled stunned. His siblings already had friends! This thought made him dread his first day even more. Then as if on cue, a yellow school bus rolled and stopped in front of the house. “There it is. You have everything? Good. Now remember, make new friends and relax. Everything is going to be fine. Love you” said Mrs. Dunley Now you call her Mrs. Dunley. Pick one name and stick to it. as she kissed her youngest son goodbye.

“Have a good first day, sport. I’ll see you later. Bye honey, I have a meeting so I have to leave early today.” With that Adam’s Dad swept through the front door. Adam grabbed his bag and lunch and headed through the door to the waiting and dreaded school bus.

Not much plot, rather cliched beginning. You're trying too hard to portray the characters as what you want them to be and end up telling, so you might want to loosen up. Let the words flow.

Yours truly,

Kara