Lost In the Dark

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The updated version of the story I'm writing for Language Arts class. I rewrote it, so hope you like it :)

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She steps onto the cold tile floor and pads across the small room. She sits on the plush window seat and examines her surroundings – a small metal bed, a tall enclosed shower, and a plastic chair. The only window in the room is covered in thick plastic.

The room is suicide-proof. She realizes. The room itself scares her because she’s claustrophobic, but what terrifies her is the reason why she’s in the room. She’s a cutter. Visions of razorblades, scratches and screaming fill her head. Razorblades are what got her in the mental-health facility in the first place – she cut too deep and she was found by her mother; bleeding and near death.
She was caged in the facility in less than three days.

A nurse comes into the room and examines the girl before lifting her sleeve. There are no fresh cuts on the girl’s arm so the nurse doesn’t have to worry about putting anything new in the girl’s file – not yet anyway.

The nurse leaves the room. The girl sighs in relief before reaching underneath the window seat. She comes up with a small, wooden box that is closed by a thick metal lock. She clicks it open with a key that she keeps hidden in her pillow. As she unlocks the box, her breathing tightens – she can already feel the razor’s sharp edges.

She takes the razor from the box and presses it to her wrist. Pain shoots through her arm and she smiles. The vicious cycle starts again.




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I really think this story could be developed into something a bit longer. Its good, but I wish I could get to know your character a bit more.

As for you have written so far, I think you should improve your second paragraph.
I've divided it by sentence to explain a few things that you could do better:

The room is suicide-proof, she realizes.
The room itself scares her because she’s claustrophobic,
    The phrase "the room itself" sounds sort of awkward. I'm not sure why but it took away the mood a bit. Maybe you could rephrase this into something like: "Being claustrophobic, the room alone terrified her
but what terrifies even more her is the reason why she’s in the room. She’s a cutter.
    Now, this part here didn't really make much sense to me. She's terrified of being a cutter? Or is she terrified because she can't carry on with her compulsive desire of cutting herself. From what you say next -and from what I've heard of cutters- she enjoys cutting herself, it makes her feel good, so why would she be afraid of it? Think about it and rephrase it.

Visions of razorblades, scratches and screaming fill her head.
    I think it would be more interesting if you gave some details about her visions. You don't have to be gory if you don't want to, just expand on this a bit more. It feels like you're telling me what she sees, not showing me. Writing should give the readers an image, it should show. Maybe you can say something like: "Her mind flashes back to the razorblades in her hand, to the scratches on her skin, to the pain-filled screams." See? I gave a vision: the razorblades where on her hand, the the scratches were on her skin, and the screams were filled with pain.

Razorblades are what got her in the mental-health facility in the first place – she cut too deep and she was found by her mother; bleeding and near death. She was caged in the facility in less than three days.
    That part is all right. I especially liked the last sentence.


Good luck revising! Let me know if you expand it. :)




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Overall I like the story, it's very good. I have a few critiques. I think you should have given her a name. I know characters don't necessarily need names, especially in flash fiction, but it would have given her a more 3D feel to her so that I don't just remember 'the chick in a mental facility.' Also, and this is a very nitpicky rule I learned in elementary school, it's frowned upon to begin two consecutive sentences with the same word because it subconsciously ends up sounding redundant in the reader's head.

I too believe that if expanded this would be a really spectacular story. There's not much interaction in the story except for the nurse checking up on her, so character development is key to making the story stand out. Making her claustrophobic was a very good touch in that direction in my opinion. However, in the second paragraph you said the reason she was in the room terrifies her, but in the end she's smiling when she does it. There has to be a reason why something that terrifies her makes her smile in the end. For example, naming a specific reason, many people after all do it because of something that happened in their lives. Maybe something horrible was happening in her life and it gave her some sort of release. Or maybe it was just like she got addicted to the feeling (which I've heard is possible actually) but then there has to be a jumping off point of when she started. Things like that could really bring the character out and you wouldn't have to add a lot, just about a paragraph or two.

Regardless, I enjoyed reading it. It's good in my opinion



Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec