The Old Man in the Street

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I haven't written a short story in a while, but I wrote this descriptive short story piece at school a few days ago. The teacher gave me a healthy A/A* so I thought I'd stick it on here. Tell us what you think! ;)

About the length: the task was mainly on quality of writing, hence how short this is!


Long rows of dark grey clouds swam through the deep black ocean; littered only by a vague glisten of a distant star. However, deeper into the curious ocean, bathed one half of a glowing, bright-white moon, the glow rippling effortlessly around.

In that moon's very one glance it observed a man, it itself, had never seen before. It watched him edge forward along the grey-lit cobbled street. His helpful companion - a simple stick - kissed the cobble for every staggered stride. The moon empathised at the weight the man's feet seemed to bare, but envied the patience and peacefulness that surrounded the man. The unfamiliar male staggered forward once more.

As the man went on slowly shuffling and staggering his way forward, the moon took a second glance and time enough to educates itself on this new and curious creature. It saw that the man wore a leather hat, which fitted comfortably upon his head, but leaving enough room for his long whispy, white hair to flow around the shoulders of his large, puffy overcoat. The overcoat, much like the man's two feet, seemed to uncomfortably cling to the man's shoulders and chest like tar to concrete. Out of the bottom of his coat, hung some baggy beige corduroy, that appeared to flood over his feet.

There was something naturally enlightening about the man. As if every stride was an effort to get closer to his dream. The moon felt for the man and decided to light his way along the luminous, grey cobble path.




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BenFranks wrote:[i]\
His helpful companion - a simple stick - kissed the cobble for every staggered stride. .

i really like this piece! It was a simple, nostalgic way to write this essay about an old man! I liked you description, style, paragraph breaks (these are really important in my book), and thoughts. Besides feeling envious, can the moon feel anything else? You know, sorry for the creature who is obviously in pain? I really couldn't see anything wrong with this piece. You really deserved that A!! It's short and sweet. I love it!
keep up the good work,
~sionarama :smt003
p.s.
I LOVED the sentence at the top!!
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A




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Hey there!
Thankyou for the feedback
Sionarama wrote:You know, sorry for the creature who is obviously in pain?

Well, I did mention this:
The moon empathised at the weight the man's feet seemed to bare

That kind of hints towards the sorry side of things.
Thanks anyway!
Ben




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Okay, this story was absolutely adorable, it made me smile. I loved how it was the moon observing the man, it gave it a very poetic feel to the story. I do have a couple critiques, although they're very gritty because your story really is fabulous. I don't know if you've ever read Ray Bradbury before, but your descriptions remind me of his. If you haven't read him, trust me, that's a huge compliment. The only thing I would watch, is not overdoing it, because while reading it felt like you were right at the borderline of overdoing it. There should be a balance so that the complexity of your language doesn't overshadow the thought or idea you're trying to convey. This next part is more of a tip that I read, rather than a critique but it really makes a difference with descriptions. I'll show you an example from your story where it could be used:

As the man went on slowly shuffling and staggering his way forward, the moon took a second glance and time enough to educates itself on this new and curious creature.


When you have two adjectives describing something like "new and curious creature" it really helps if you replace "new and curious" with a stronger adjective. That way it flows better and it honestly gives the sentence a stronger effect.

Other than that, which isn't much, your piece is positively lovely.




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Hello there homie, hehe, I've always wanted to say that.

Long rows of dark grey clouds swam through the deep black ocean; littered only by a vague glisten of a distant star. However, deeper into the curious ocean, bathed one half of a glowing, bright-white moon, the glow rippling effortlessly around.


You create a beautiful picture with your opening paragraph, it's just that the word "effortlessly" sticks out as picky. The way you describe the moon throughout the story shows that nothing it sees or does is without effort. Perhaps you could use something like, "brilliantly" "ghostly" or even something weird like, "purposely". Of course, there are countless other words you can experiment with.

In that moon's very one glance it observed a man, it itself, had never seen before. It watched him edge forward along the grey-lit cobbled street. His helpful companion - a simple stick - kissed the cobble for every staggered stride. The moon empathised at the weight the man's feet seemed to bare, but envied the patience and peacefulness that surrounded the man. The unfamiliar male staggered forward once more.


It's common knowledge for everybody that a man is a of the male gender. So it is rather silly to have that word at all in your intriguing piece.


In that moon's very one glance it observed a man, it itself, had never seen before. It watched him edge forward along the grey-lit cobbled street. His helpful companion - a simple stick - kissed the cobble for every staggered stride. The moon empathised at the weight the man's feet seemed to bare, but envied the patience and peacefulness that surrounded the man. The unfamiliar male staggered forward once more.


This time the blue isn't meant to pick at any of your writing. No, I am using it to highlight yet another wonderful metaphor. You have quite an eye for these kinds of things. Why don't you have more stories submitted?

There was something naturally enlightening about the man. As if every stride was an effort to get closer to his dream. The moon felt for the man and decided to light his way along the luminous, grey cobble path.


An inspiring ending. Yes, we should all be striding to achieve our life goals. But unlike in fiction, we do not always have somebody to light the way for us. Tragically, some may have helpers, but the light is either so feeble, or their eyes are shut and they don't see it. When they fall in the darkness, their dream may be shattered. But that need not be the end, for they can get up and pick up the fragments and see were they went wrong.

The only way to encounter the dead end of failure is giving up. And that is a choice, just as moving forward is. Every step forward gets us that much closer.

You've done a wonderful job Ben, and congratulations on your A.

- :smt059
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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Thankyou for the reviews guys :)




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Hello. :}
I really enjoyed this piece. I think the length is perfect, and the story is so delicate and touching. As other reviewers have noted (I won't bore you with redundant quotations), you have a real knack for metaphors and manipulating the language in order to create a certain atmosphere.
Really, my only issue with this is, well, the first paragraph. After reading the rest of the piece, I guess I just felt that the beginning was forced, trying a little to hard to be eloquent. The metaphor of the night sky as an ocean and such created a very vivid image...but I think that it was a little too wordy for the beginning of this kind of piece.
But, OK, making any other negative comments would just be grasping, so I'll stop here. ;)
Lovely work, my friend.
--Bunny
"I can have oodles of charm when I want to." --Kurt Vonnegut Jr.




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This isn’t so much a short story as a vignette. Nothing really happens, which is fine as an exercise. The quality is pretty good. I was a little confused by the phrase: “In that moon's very one glance it observed a man.” It sounds nice, but “very one” doesn’t really fit... well the “one” doesn’t really fit, the very is just fine.

I like how the moon is personified... the length is actually disappointing. The moon has never seen this person before... this person who not only seems older and wiser than the moon... but who the moon envies for his peacefulness and patience. This is a very fascinating idea... makes me wonder who the old man is... and then you spend most of your time talking about his coat.

Nothing really happens and that’s a let down because the description is so good and the ideas that it brings up are very fascinating... and the hook is great... and then nothing happens. Maybe consider expanding it a little bit? I think that you have something good here, and your style's very good, but then maybe I'm taking too much out of a three paragraph vignette?
Temp Avi, Temp Sig, Temp Profile... Better quality later.




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I loved this piece!
Your style of writing has given me many new ideas I can work with.

I love how you serenely depict, the ocean and then revert to the old man on the grey-lit cobbled road, under the same moon.

If it was quality what you wrote this for, you sure got it. Great Job!



I'll make sure nobody unauthorized runs off with the chamber pot, sir.
— Kaladin (Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson)