When we Met

We had the most unforgettable,take your breath away moments in our marriage. I remember when we first met; I loathed him and I can't remember why. It was at my cousins graduation party and we were about to start the water balloon fight. I was wearing my favorite bikini top it was pure white with little beads on it and I had on navy shorts. I was ready. That was until he walked in. Of course my cousin has to go giddy and run into his arms causing several other girls heads to turn in their direction some well aware for the reason for her squeals.
Anyway I didn't care for the scene. I rolled my eyes and planted a fist to my hip. I've always had an attitude problem, still do to this day. I stood like that for a good three minutes eventually realizing that the water balloon fight was off. I remember vaguely storming through the the house into the kitchen to get a coke. I hadn't heard his entrance so when the door of the fridge closed I was startled to find him just standing there with a ridiculous lop sided grin on his face. He was beautiful, I'll admit that. Tousled dirty blond hair, piercing blue eyes and his grin, it was so attractive. I noticed because he had one tooth a little overlapping another.
Coming back to reality I took a deep breath; I'd been holding it in my daze. His distinct words to me then were "You must be that cousin Amanda is so envious about". I wanted to smile but I kept my poker face. He opened the door then to grab a coke and I couldn't help but to get a look at his arms they were toned and tan. The arms were always my weakness. He closed the door, gave me a flirty wink and walked out. I slapped my unopened can onto the marble counter top and counted back from ten. How dare he I thought to myself.
I walked out after him thinking cutely, two can play at this game.

Grammar:I couldn't find any problems with it. That is why there is no spoiler! You know you could've left a least a little mistake.

How dare he I thought to myself

Haha! I found one, in this sentence it should be; How dare he, I thought to myself.

This was...all over the place. Even the idea of it is cliche. You don't develop your characters enough; they're cardboard cutouts who I don't care about in the slightest. Right now Amanda just seems like a typical go-go girl prep. What are her interests? Does she have any desires? Give us a little insight into her personality rather then just telling us she has an attitude problem. The love interest (give him a name!) seems like a stereotypical dream boy that we'd all like to have.

I think I'd like the marriage thing a little bit more if this was part of a larger story. Since this is standalone, you could simply talk about the meeting in this story, expand on their relationship and maybe add a few defining scenes, and add a cute little note at the end that references their eventual marriage at the end.

All in all, I think it definitely needs to be much longer so you can give your characters and story the attention and care that they deserve.

PM me if you have questions, dear!

-Elinor xo

How dare he I thought to myself.

Should be: How dare he, I thought to myself.

Other than that it was good, very awesome.
But in other ways it is also a bit Cliché, because it is probably going to end up her loving him after her loathing him so much.
But I like it though!
I'll tell you that.


Keep writing,

~Smexx

This was cool, but as Elinor said, your MC doesn't develop much. Her cousin, Amanda, seems like a flirty girl, yet it's her engagement party? What's going on?

"You must be that cousin Amanda is so envious about". I wanted to smile but I kept my poker face.

It should be, "You must be that cousin Amanda is so envious about." blady blady blah.

This was interesting but yeah, your characters seem like dolls left in a closet.

Kudos

Biffle

ahahah! nice! and I like the second paragraph wherein the guy just suddenly out-of-nowhere appeared to her! really good and I can't find a single mistake to it... hmmm?? it's because the others have corrected it already from above.

Keep it up.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

This seems like something a fourth grader would write. The idea of a girl meeting cute guy and blah blah blah is way over-done. Write it as if you were looking back at your past relationships to make it more realistic.

This story was just way too hard to follow, it doesn't flow well. It goes from scene to scene without any proper transition.

I agree- your story was moving quicker then I could keep u p with. Maybe start the story slower. Like, maybe set up her and her husband in a happy moment and then make her think, haha, remember when...

Well, I like the very end. Two can ply at that game is very clique, but it is a pretty nice plot point. Look! a pirate!