Pain Is What I Wear

You said you loved me,
Then you changed your mind.
Four months without you, I did my time.
Suddenly you're talking to me,
And I wonder why.

I finally tell you the truth,
That after months without you,
It still hurts for me.

Now I wonder what happened.
You abandoned me.
My broken heart won't mend,
Until you see,

I'm the girl you left,
The girl you wanted,
But our time was spent.
And I know,
I, I'm still in love,
And I can't let go,
Until you know,

The truth behind these eyes.
I hate it when you lie.
The smile I wear,
It stops right there.
'Cause it's all pretend,
I won't stop 'til I mend.

There's blood on my wrists,
My hands clenched in fists,
'Cause pain is what I bear,
Pain is what I wear.

Tell me no lies.
I wanna know truth when I die.
Give me "no fear",
'Cause I'm listening, my dear.

There's a letter in your hand.
You walk on the sand,
Insisting that I follow,
I can't trust you, your heart's hollow.
But I run after you, like I knew I would.
I don't know if I would leave if I could,
'Cause I still love you baby,
I'm sorry if you hate me.

My heart still races when we talk,
But your heart is made of chalk,
If you don't care, I'll walk.

This definitely has a raw and real feeling behind it, however, if you want it to be lyrics for a song it really needs to have a chorus, some verses, and a bridge, but I don't see any of them speciafied here. I can tell though that the lyrics seem very heartfelt and this seems like it would make a pretty good acoustic rock song.
Keep writing!
-Jane

There were a lot of forced rhymes that, to be blunt, made these lyrics even cheesier than than the cliche phrases that make up this entire song. Basically, the impression I got from the title alone was that you were trying too hard to be "deep" and "individual"; you tried too hard. This is a very common subject to write about, especially among teenagers, and you didn't bring anything new to the table, instead relying on phrases and imagery so common, they've become cliche.

Now, I'm not saying that you can't write write about this subject. You just need to provide a unique take on it. Try describing things in ways you've never heard them described before, but in ways that make perfect sense to you. Then, write so that people who have never thought of things that way can understand and go "Yeah. I've never thought of it that way before, but it's so perfect." Not rhyming words for the sake of rhyming wouldn't hurt, either.

The best way to learn how to describe things uniquely is to read other writers' work. Since lyrics are essentially poetry set to music, reading up on the works of famous poets is a good idea, and may give you some really interesting ideas for how to describe things.

Though I was harsh, I hope you aren't discouraged. The only way to improve is through practice, and everyone, even the greats, started out not so great. Keep writing, gain more experience, and I'm sure you'll be quite good someday. :D

Just a note: where it says "The truth behind these eyes" and so on, I imagined that to be a rap. And this song is unfinished as most of my poems and lyrics are. I just can't quite finish much that I start!
I do sing and I try my best to write as well as I can, but you know there's a limit to how much creativity a person can have...
So thanks for your comments, and I don't mean to be rash, but I do think I am quite good at writing poetry and lyrics and so on for my age and experience. I write 'em how I think 'em. And if you don't think my mind is creative enough, congratulations, I really would give you a pat on the back! Seriously though, I would.
I don't expect anyone to say "OH MY GOD, that was brillant!" or anything like that. I would just like some respect instead of everyone saying [quote]I'm sure you'll be quite good someday./quote] Because, gee, that makes me feel like I'm pretty crappy right now.
But as I said, thanks for your comments! And good luck at writing your stories/poems/lyrics/whatever else you write. If you'd like me to review a story, just private message me and I'd be glad to.

hey, this i think is like the first time i've ever reviwed a lyrics. so just bear with me if i don't really pin point out the things which were lacking. the thing i did notice was that you used alot ryming words. from what i know, all lines of the songs don't have to be ryming heck, alot of songs don't really have lyrics that have ryming lines yet they make the most sense. but anyway you did a good job and i would really encourage you to keep writing more and try to get over the ryming thing. oh and also try to avoid writing about topics like : "i loved someone but i can't have him anymore", "my first love" etc. cause these are very common topics and most likely you would just get smoothered in the enormous croud also writing about the same thing. but really its up to you, this was just an advice, try writing about more intresting topics, things that people need to realise about, that people need to know, maybe it won't be that popular but who cares as long as at least a few people read it and get the message. but still, good try !!

-buddy

I like this I have been looking for something to sing for the talent show and I saw this and I wanted it but I won't take it I don't think this would be a rap.