Twisted like a twizzeler

Most people look at me and think they know me; like all about me. I hate that, mainly because they don’t. They see me and think well adjusted teenager. I’ll tell you this much I don’t know any teenagers who are well adjusted, myself included.
If you really want to get into it my severe distaste for life leaves a bitter taste in my mouth not unlike instant coffee.
The ideal of the perfect teenager is a well thought out lie. I don’t let anyone see the real me, in a way I guess you could say I wear a mask. Hell my parents don’t even get the real me.
The thing about wearing a mask is: if you wear it long enough; it gets hard to see your real self. I constantly struggle with that. It’s like I’m torn between my true self, and what people perceive as the true me.
I do however let people in sometimes. Usually through my writing; it’s like a window into my heart, and all people see usually is horrifying truths. I haven’t done that for a very long time though. Not since like grade 9.
People say “be yourself” but it’s not true. Because if your rejected wearing your mask all you have to do is try another on. But if they reject the person under your mask. Then they hate you to your core.
That’s my outlook on life “wear a mask and your safe.” I know it’s not the best but I don’t expect it to be. I know how insecure and petty I must sound right now but it’s true.
If people knew the real me I’d spend my time alone with no friends. I tried that once and it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be.
The only real time the mask seems to come off anymore is when I try to help people and I must admit: it’s nice. It feels like a load was lifted off my shoulders. But it doesn’t feel safe. My good friend was right when he said I was twisted … he just didn’t know how much.

Hi there! I like this, but I think it suffers from a lack of punctuation. Commas help readers read your work and allow them to take pauses, and I think you need some more of that. I've just copied it out below and added in punctuation in the way I would write it. Maybe I use too many commas; sometimes it is a question of preference, but you can look at the two and perhaps find a happy medium that doesn't interrupt the flow but lets the reader take a breath in all the right places.

Most people look at me and think they know me; like all about me. Note: I'm not sure what you mean here - is it a conversational "like" (because if it is I'd be tempted to get rid of it) or is it like as in, people think they like you? It's slightly confusing. I hate that, mainly because they don’t. They see me and think I'd put "I'm a" here, or maybe change it to "think they're seeing", or something. well adjusted teenager. I’ll tell you this much: I don’t know any teenagers who are well adjusted, myself included.

If you really want to get into it, my severe distaste for life leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, not unlike instant coffee.

The ideal of the perfect teenager is a well thought-out lie. I don’t let anyone see the real me; in a way I guess you could say I wear a mask. Hell, my parents don’t even get the real me.

The thing about wearing a mask is:Now I feel like there's too much punctuation! I'd replace the colon with "that", or just not put anything there. Also, I'd replace the semi-colon coming up with a comma. if you wear it long enough; it gets hard to see your real self. I constantly struggle with that. It’s like I’m torn between my true self, and what people perceive as the true me.

I do however let people in sometimes. Usually through my writing; it’s like a window into my heart, and all people see usually is horrifying truths. I haven’t done that for a very long time though. Not since like Again, this seems a little too conversational, maybe replace it with "around" or something. grade 9.

People say “be yourself” but it’s not true. Because if you're rejected wearing your mask, all you have to do is try another on. But if they reject the person under your mask, then they hate you to your core.

That’s my outlook on life - “wear a mask and you're safe.” I know it’s not the best but I don’t expect it to be. I know how insecure and petty I must sound right now but it’s true.

If people knew the real me I’d spend my time alone with no friends. I tried that once and it’s not all thatI'd get rid of "that" - it sounds a little wordy. it’s cracked up to be.

The only real time the mask seems to come off anymore is when I try to help people and I must admit: it’s nice. It feels like a load was lifted off my shoulders. But it doesn’t feel safe. My good friend was right when he said I was twisted … he just didn’t know how much.

Apart from me being nit-picky, I like this. I think it's a very honest piece of work.

Hi - I'm not going to be nit-picky about commas and such, since to me they matter less than what you've actually written. From the outset, I really love this idea of 'masks,' and 'identity' - truth be told, identity and alter-egos and personality are MY FAVOURITE topics to think about, ever, simply because they encompass everything we are, and we appear to be. So, full marks for picking a good topic.

However, you must be aware that this topic has been dealt with over hundreds of years, by many different authors, poets, musicians, artists etc. King Lear (Shakespeare), Nineteen Minutes (Jodi Piccoult) and The Dice Man (Luke Rhinehart) are just a few of the books that spring to mind.

So...I guess your task is to serve this idea/theme to your audience in a fresh and appetising new way, something they have not already seen before. The concept of masks is not new - but can be made DIFFERENT (pardon the pun) by a different format of writing.

Currently, your writing is very direct and literal, and perhaps too honest for the average audience - that honesty SHOULD be fresh and striking, but not straight away! If you are too 'grounded' in reality from the start, then it's actually not very fun to read - where is the story, the imagination, an actual EVENT happening, that is long and meaningful, that is leading towards this? It reads more like a journal entry than a story. However, the advantage of having written a first draft like this is that you can go back and say: 'at the core of whatever beuatiful flowery words and images I'm going to put in there, THIS is ultimately going to be what I'll say.'

Stories function best on a balance between imagination and reality. Enough reality to keep us grounded, and enough imagination to help us soar, to prevent us from becoming tethered to the world, to put a fresh perspective on things. You've got reality sorted. Now, for the imagination: mainly involves the use of imagery, events, characters, setting, plot, action. Give your character a name, time and place, and a few companions. Show them in interaction with their peers - a conversation at a beach party, a lunchtime fight, anything, really. At the heart of this, will lie the image/event that will SHOW us, not TELL us what you really think about the whole concept of identity.

Actually, I just had a brainwave. Why not have the setting as a mask-party, or a halloween party? That way, you don't really need to spell it out for people. And...you could have the masks as being so fabulously made, that no one can tell who anyone else is, so they get to act like their real selves, under the mask. But when the mask slips off...THAT'S when the 'figurative' mask will slip back on. Hmmm...an interesting metaphor all-round. Complicated, so I am breaking it up even now.

Have fun with that, and good luck! I want to see this piece fleshed out in all its glory!