The Lands- Chapter 1

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Chapter 1

A young girl of five starred innocently at her father as he plucked carrots out of their garden.

“Papa, why is there a line on the land?”

“That’s the Border, Zandra.”

“Border?” Zandra asked, making a face. Her father sighed .

“ “Yes, Zandra, the Border.” He leaned down again and rolled a large rock out of the garden. Zandra stepped away carefully, her dark eyes widening. She pushed her thick braid of ink black hair behind her shoulder once more.

“Why is there a Border, papa?”

“To separate The Lands.”

“Why do we separate? Wouldn’t we be stronger together?”

“Yes, Zandra, we might be. But It is as it is. They got that side and we have this side.”

“Why did we choose this side?”

“We didn’t. We were pushed to this side when the First King’s Son rebelled.”

“Tell me the story!” Zandra asked as she gatherd more carrots into her basket.

“Again?” her father asked, exasperated.

“Please?” she insisted.

Her father sighed, squinted up at the sun and wiped his brow before starting to weed again.

“One, a very, very long time ago—“

“Before I was born?” Zandra asked. Her father smiled.

“Long before you were born. There was a king. He was the First King and her ruled when the two lands were one. He was a strong king; he was fair, kind, and he kept his people very happy. However, his son was jealous of his power. So he got a group of followers and attacked his father. The war raged for many years until the First King was shoved into this land. His loyal people were on the brink of death when a Hero came. He was the True Prince. The True Prince managed to save everyone, build the Border, and start a new kingdom. Now—although we love the First King—the highest rank is a Prince. The Nashtons, named after the Traitorous Son remain cruel unwelcome people. We still prosper while they sit back, hungry for more.”

"And now we have Prince Holli.” Zandra added.

“That’s right. His young son Areli will be the next Prince.”

“Have we ever tried to be nice to the Nashtons?”

“Why should we? They are greedy demons.”

“Oh. Do they have horns?”

“Huh?”

“Do they have horns?” Zandra repeated.

“No, Zandra.”

“Tails?”

“No Zandra.”

“Then how are they demons?” Zandra asked, now completely confused.

Her father sighed heavily.

“Zandra, they don’t have to have tails or horns to be demons. They are evil people. Why don’t you go play?”

“Alright papa.”

“And stay away from the Border!”He ordered as she scampered out of the garden.

“Yes, papa!” she called over her shoulder.

Zandra immediately set her course toward the Border.

Humming, she clamored over a stiff wooden fence before running through a field into a thick forest. As she stumbled over logs, she sang a song:

“Spiders, socks, and little bears,
Princesses with lots of hair,
Pretty dresses—not for me!
But I don’t mind getting dirty.
Great big rivers, shining lakes,
Sparkly snow and tiny snakes.
It’s not a place that you can draw
Here in our strong Alicida!”


Finally, she saw the Border. It was a long stone wall that stretched from one end of Alicida to the other. But it was ancient and crumbling. There was one spot were the water trickled through a crack in the wall. It was her favorite place because over the years it had created a small creek. She would jump around in the brook, toss stick and pebbles or simply lay in the cool water.

Today she picked smooth stones from the edge of the creek, happily humming her song. Then she heard a loud cry and twigs snapping. Frightened, she sprang to her feet and looked around, dropping the colorful stones. There was a thud and a groan near the tall wall.

Taking a deep breath, Zandra stepped forward to investigate the suspicious sounds.

There at the foot of the wall stood a boy not much older than she. He had just started to sit up when she arrived silently. He brushed back his brown hair and looked at the Border with satisfaction. He started to whistle softly before picking up strange sticks and stones. Zandra watched, curious. She did not get to see other children very much but even with her naive experience, she knew this boy was acting strangely.

She squinted to get a better look at the stick in his hand. It had a long thick string attached from one end to the other. He picked up another stick with a stone on it and set it up to the branch with the string on it.

“What are you doing?” Zandra felt herself asking. She clapped a hand over her mouth in surprise. She hadn’t meant to ask the question. The boy jumped, paled and dropped his strange sticks.

“W-where are you?” he asked. Zandra stepped out of the shade and gave a small wave.

“Right here.” She answered. “My names Zandra. What’s yours?”

“Phillip.” The boy said obviously relieved.

“What are you doing, Phillip?” Zandra asked, tilting her head.

“Hunting.” Phillip said proudly.

“Oh. What are those things?”

“Huh? Oh, this is my bow. The arrows aren’t very well made but I’m not supposed to be over here. Anything will do.”

“You aren’t supposed to be over here?”

“I’m a Nashton.”

“Well then. You most certainly don’t have tails or horns.” Zandra said, surprised. She circled the boy who leaned down to pick up his bow.

“And you’re an Alicidan?”

“Yes.” Zandra said proudly.

“That’s strange. I didn’t know that your kind were beautiful.” He said plainly. Zandra smiled.

“Not all of us are. Some of us are really ugly.”

“Us too.” The boy admitted. “But my momma is very pretty.”

He has such a funny way of saying things! Zandra though as she watched his soft gray eyes.

“my mama might’ve been pretty, but I don’t remember her much.”

“Where is she?”

“Papa says she went to Heaven.”

“Well,” Phillip mused. “If she was as nice as you, she had to.”

“you think?” Zandra asked hopefully.

“My Pap always has said only nice people get to go to heaven.”

“how would he know?” Zandra asked.

“He’s a blacksmith, and he’s real smart. What about your pap?”

“Well, my papa farms but sometimes we let people stay at our house. Say, do you want to help me find stones?”

“what kind of stones?”

“The ones that the creek makes. It’s not far, I’ll show you!” Zandra said, grabbing his hand she pulled him towards the creek easily and showed him the pile she had dropped when he had scared her.

“That blue was is very smooth.” He remarked pointing to the soft rounded rock. She plucked it out of the pile and held it out.

“Here, you can have it. I like the purple ones best.”

“Really…?”

“Sure!” She replied brightly, pressing it into his hand.

“ZANDRA?! DINNER!” a loud voice called.

“Oh, that’s my papa. I’ve got to go.” Zandra said sadly.

“I’d best get home to. But I can come back tomorrow.”

“how?”

“There’s a long thing of ivy. I’ll see you tomorrow and we can find rocks then!” Phillip
said with a smile.

“alright! Bye, Phillip, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Oh, Zandra? Don’t tell anyone you saw me, ok?”

“Ok!”

And from that day on, the two were best friends.
“"Up is down"? Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.”
~Jack Sparrow, At Worlds End




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First of all, I love the little girl's name. Uncommon names like that draw my attention. As far as grammar and stuff like that, I didn't see any mistakes, so you're good there. The plot, actually, reminds me of this Dr. Suess tale where the land is split in half. The two different sides argue about which side they should butter the bread on or something strange like that. I'm not comparing you to him. I was just pointing out the similarity. I do have one thing to point out though. I thought the introduction paragraoh was somewhat abrupt. it sort of just jumped into the middle of a random scene. That's not bad or anything, it's just something that, to me personally, sort of pushes me from the story a bit. I like to gradually read myself into a plot instead of jumping right into it, but that's just me. Other than my personal issues, it is a great story! Keep writing!
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Last edited by Lava on Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey there fairygirl, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review! :)

fairygirl wrote:A young girl of five starred innocently at her father as he plucked carrots out of their garden.

“Papa, why is there a line on the land?”

“That’s the Border, Zandra.”


As the start of your novel, this isn't exactly riveting. First chapters are very hard to write, from the fact alone that it's what will either keep a reader's attention or chase them away. You really want to have a good hook that makes the reader go, "Wow, I can't wait to read more!" So far this hasn't happened.

“Why should we? They are greedy demons.”

“Oh. Do they have horns?”

“Huh?”

“Do they have horns?” Zandra repeated.

“No, Zandra.”

“Tails?”

“No Zandra.”

“Then how are they demons?” Zandra asked, now completely confused.


This is the first part that really made me start to take an interest. I found it entertaining, believable, and creative. Thus far, all you've been doing is filling the reader in on the history of the land through a simplistic manner. Now we get to really see more of Zandra's character and thought process, which I like.

“And stay away from the Border!”He ordered as she scampered out of the garden.

“Yes, papa!” she called over her shoulder.

Zandra immediately set her course toward the Border.


This all seems very abrupt. Her father tells her not to go to the Border, she says "okay!" and then immediately sets off for it. We don't get to see any contemplation on her part; there's no inner turmoil as she fights the urge to see the Border and the knowledge that she must obey her father. You rush it along too quickly here.

“What are you doing?” Zandra felt herself asking.


I don't know if "felt" would be the right word here. Maybe "heard"?

“Right here.should be a commaSshe answered. “My name's Zandra. What’s yours?”

“Phillip.commaTthe boy said, obviously relieved.


This is just a portion of the text that really could use some fix-up. I'd suggest reading this post about dialogue punctuation.

“That’s strange. I didn’t know that your kind were beautiful.” He said plainly. Zandra smiled.


This really doesn't seem like the sort of thing a five-year-old would say; it's too mature for their ages.

“ZANDRA?! DINNER!” a loud voice called.


You said that she traversed quite a ways to get to the Border; did her father know where she was? How does he have such exceptionally loud lungs to be calling from their home and Zandra can hear him loud and clear?

And from that day on, the two were best friends.


I'm sorry, this is a little too clichéd and, again, quick.

Overall, it's a fine start--but you don't want just fine, you want great, something that's going to hook the readers and make them want to turn the page and read the next chapter. Right now, I'm neutral. I think you definitely have the potential to make this into a strong, compelling, interesting chapter; it's just a matter of not rushing things along too much. Give us a chance to learn more about Zandra's character, and make her likable; characters are what carry the plot along, and if you have good ones, chances are that you'll have devoted readers.

Another thing I'd like to mention is the punctuation. Itty-bitty as it may seem right now, it's a good idea to get into the habit of writing correctly and using proper punctuation and grammar. It'll only help you later on in life, and right now it makes it easier and more enjoyable for people who read your work.

That's all I have to say! Please PM me if you have any questions. And keep up the good work! :)
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“Papa, why is there a line on the land?”

Is she talking about a map, or a physical line in the land?

“Why do we separate? Wouldn’t we be stronger together?”

I doubt a five-year-old would ask a question like this.

He was the First King and her ruled when the two lands were one.

Remove r from he. :P

I can stop here and tell you here how this story sounds like it's going. The boy and girl are both on different sides, they become friends even though they are supposed to hate each other. Together, they go on adventure to try and unite their two Lands. In the end, they unite them, blah, blah, blah. Am I right? This kind of story is kind of done a lot.

Overall: Your story idea is kind of cliche and you are undescriptive. Try to find something that makes your story unique. Also, explain more of the surroundings. Where are they, what does her father look like, etc . . .Anyways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me here on YWS.

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