Chapter 1 (Victoria)

"Suzy, Suzy wake up!" I playfully slap her cheek.

"Victoria!" she yells, rubbing her face. I feel shock, then I feel my cheek. I felt it, when I slapped Suzy I felt it in my own cheek. Suzy gives me a dirty look and gets changed. Sometimes we are really close and sometimes I want to shoot her.

"You want to walk?" she asks. I nod, oh ya you are probably wondering were we are walking to. There is this thing that happens every year.I guess could call it a celebration but no one celebrates. Its called the Naming. The Naming of the hunters. Oh ya and you are probably also wondering why i felt my cheek being slapped when i slapped my sisters cheek, well... were twins. Not psycho twins, just twins. Suzy ran ahead because she heard the announcer,Gerald's, voice.

"Gerald", she giggles. "He is so dreamy!"

There is a lot of potential here, but still errors. Capitalize your "I"s of course when referring to yourself. And always a new line with dialogue.

"Suzy, Suzy wake up!" i playfully slap her cheek. "Victoria!" she yells, rubbing her cheek. I feel shock, then i feel my cheek.

I notice you repeat the word "cheek" quite often here. Try to limit that when you write. It tends to ruin the flow.

"You want to walk?", she asks.

There's really no need for a comma outside of the quotation mark. It usually goes inside it if the statement isn't finished. So since you have a question mark, there's really no need for it. And put a space after all punctuation.

I nod, oh ya you are probably wondering were we are walking to.

This sentence is basically two thoughts here. I would put a period after "I nod" and start a new sentence. That part is talking directly to the reader, I won't change it much because some writers use that as a style. Also: Where not were.

This could definitely use description, and maybe changing up the sentence structure more often, just to keep the reader interested. You also fall into telling instead of showing in a lot of cases, but with practice you'll get better. Watch your grammar and keep working on it! ^^

If you have any comments or anything, PM me!

Hello,

Welcome to YWS, capitalize your "i"s. Like, seriously. Dialogue punctuation can be studied here: topic44898.html

If you want a proper reviewm, you really have to write more than one paragraph As it is, I can't really say much more than I already did - although: slow down! Many characters here. Try introducting them gradually. You have time, so much time! So many words to use! Take advantage of that

Usually when a new person speaks, he or she gets a new line. Enter's a dear friend. Around what they say - just build. Add descriptions, things necessary to move the plot forward.

So. Write more, post more, and then we'll talk :]


Esme

Please post your novels in the novel section. Thanks. *Moved*

Hi! This is my first review, so... yeah!

I nod, oh ya you are probably wondering were we are walking to.

Should be: I nod. Oh yeah, you are probably wondering where we are walking to.

I felt it, when I slapped Suzy I felt it in my own cheek.

This sentence could be much smoother.

Oh ya and you are probably also wondering why i felt my cheek being slapped when i slapped my sisters cheek, well... were twins.

Should be: Oh yeah, and you are probably also wondering why I felt my cheek being slapped when I
slapped my sister's cheek. Well... we're twins.

Its called the naming. The naming of the hunters.

A) Should be It's B) If you're going to put in its name, capitalize it: The Naming. The Naming of the Hunters. Also, you really only needed "The Naming of the Hunters".

The spacing was off. Remember to put a space after your punctuation. Something else that would help would paragraphing: a new paragraph starts every time someone else speaks, or at a scene change. This has potential, keep working at it.